I am Not Well

In June, as I walked down the bottom steps from my therapist’s office – after a great, productive session, no less – I took out my iPhone to check my email (I’m so important that my emails can’t wait until I’m on solid ground, you see). Because I was staring at the screen I missed the last step, rolled on my ankle and collapsed to the floor. Sprained ankle. It still hasn’t fully healed, and my doctor said it could take up to a year for it to feel normal again.

When I was in Germany, I was basically assured that I had a kidney stone or, more likely, a small to medium-sized rodent crawling inside of my bladder, scratching at my innards. I came out of the bathroom multiple times clutching at my lower stomach, my friends pointing and laughing at my agony as they nursed their hangovers with Bloody Mary’s and pilsners. Test results on my bladder are pending.

Last week, for seven straight days I felt this searing pain across my forehead, sometimes just localized on the right side of my brain, poking me in the frontal lobe. It was different than the migraine from a few weeks ago (i.e., no vomiting), but painful nonetheless. Tumor? Probably.

Earlier this week, I needed to pick up a friend from the doctor’s office. He had an outpatient procedure done, and protocol required he not leave the building without assistance due to any lingering effects of anesthesia. He came out to the waiting area in a wheelchair, looking pale and groggy, and the nurse asked me to stand with him while she hailed a cab for us.

While we waited, the room seemed to become incredibly hot. I had consumed only a cup of coffee that day and began to feel a little nauseous and light-headed. I told my friend to stay put (as if he was inclined to wheel himself somewhere else), and I stepped outside for air. But even with the cool, fall wind blowing on me, I could actually feel the blood draining from my face.

Two minutes later, I was swaying back and forth on a bench with the nurse and my stoned friend staring at me. “You passed out,” she said. “You must have been pretty nervous.”

“No,” I garbled. “When anxiety is high your blood pressure increases, which makes it virtually impossible to faint. Mine clearly decreased, which is how I ended up in this spot. Now, Nurse – if that is your real name – please wheel my friend to the taxi. Then come back and get me.”

And she did just that. She took my friend in the wheelchair to the cab, deposited him in the taxi, returned to put me in the wheelchair, and dropped me off in the cab next to him. We drove off, two addled friends who, ironically, defeated the purpose of being there for each other.

In short, I’ve got a lot of health stuff going on right now. I haven’t been food shopping since I’ve come back from Oktoberfest and have ingested nothing but take-out, so I’ll probably contract Scurvy or some other disease no one gets anymore since basic nutrients are readily available in this country. If my untimely death is inevitable, please kill Dr. Steve for me. It’s my dying wish.

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16 Responses to “I am Not Well”

  1. Celestine says:

    If Scurvy is imminent, next time you order Chinese, get the orange chicken.

    Hope you feel better. If the ankle doesn’t get better, you can always get a badass cane and hit people with it.

  2. T says:

    So how was germany?

  3. dawn says:

    #1: I hope you are ok. What a random and weird bout of symptoms.

    #2: Ok now that we got the sincerity out of the way….HYSTERICAL. I just laughed out loud, scaring my cat.

    #3: I really do hope everything is ok!

  4. Marie says:

    Oh, man!! This totally sucks.

    Eat an orange, dude. Sorry you’re feeling so crappy!!!

  5. Tracie says:

    Please don’t die, Rob. That would be bad.

  6. Joe says:

    Just break down and get an ankle support, so when you’re having a bad ankle day you can still get around. Take it from a guy who’s had a podiatrist say to him “Damn you have a lot of scar tissue in that ankle. The needle’s not going in.”

    Good luck

  7. BL1Y says:

    I plan on dressing as Dr. House for Halloween, so I’m going to take this opportunity to practice my diagnostic skills:

    What causes, headache, fainting, international travel, egomania, incessant whining, a pre-release posting on Amazon and a diet of take out food?

    Looks like someone got a little taste of celebrity. Odds are this will clear up in a year or two, though I think we can all agree it will be more interesting if you develop a full blown case.

  8. Celestine says:

    BL1Y wins these comments.

  9. Catherine says:

    Bummer. 🙁

    Take good care of yourself!

  10. An_Irish_Brit says:

    A tight piece. Lean, well-paced, amusing. Paranoid absurdity at its brilliant best. Bodes well for your book. Exciting!

    I think…

  11. Me says:

    I love you rob so you cant die. ill come take care of you and make you feel all better. start feeling better soon cause i couldnt make it without you,

  12. Anna says:

    I hope you feel better Rob, being sick is never fun. 🙁 Hopefully it will turn out to be some random strange bug picked up while traveling that passes without too much additional pain. But on the plus side, should you get scurvy you will now have a valid excuse to take up a cutlass and raid Dr Steve’s office for anything that takes your fancy! Arrg!

  13. Rob says:

    Other than the ankle, some of your symptoms might stem from basic dehydration, fella.

    Take better care of you….hope you feel better soon.

  14. nikolina says:

    Careful with those dying wishes, someone (wink wink) might just fly to NYC to do the job.
    But in seriousness, I hope it’s not anything difficult to treat. You never did mention the causes of your migraines, if you do know them.

  15. Amber says:

    Oh wow Rob, you’re lucky I’m a nice girl 🙂