HotWheelz and Dr. Rob: Together At Last, Part 2

Hotwheelz and I continue our conversation below. Read part one here. Our discussion takes an interesting turn and focuses on sex, or the lack thereof, for Hotwheelz. In my practice I’ve seen plenty of men who are struggling with meeting women and who do not have the sex life they would like. However, Hotwheelz has a much less common dilemma regarding his sexuality. Read on for more:
Dr. Rob: In an obscure way I can relate what you say about how your support system interacts with you. I have some friends who deluge me with every issue they’ve ever had, thinking I have some magical set of answers that can solve everything. But for the most part the people who are closest to me are very hesitant to talk to me as a confidant. I get a lot of “you listen to problems all day at work, you don’t want to hear them now,” or “what I’m going through is nothing compared to what you deal with every day.” They invalidate what they’ve got going on. The reality is that I love to help the people I care about. Not as a shrink but as their friend.
A few questions come to mind. First, have you educated your friends and people in general that you want normal interpersonal interaction (e.g., “I want to hear about your problems, that’s what a friend does!”)? If so how have they responded? Also, what do you think about your writing as a form of therapy for other people? I would think that your site is an incredible boon for people with various handicaps. Who couldn’t benefit from reading your material and saying “if this guy makes his life work, I can do it too”?


Hotwheelz: I have told them that I like listening to problems; most of the time it works. Maybe it’s still in the back of their mind sometimes, but it goes away after they know me for a while. The biggest problem is during that initial stage of a friendship when people have a pre-conceived notion of what my mindset must be. I don’t know them well enough to tell them it’s cool to open up to me, but know them well enough that I can see they’re holding back. It always comes out eventually, and after that we’re cool.
I’m not 100% comfortable with my writing as therapy for others. I don’t consider myself an “inspiration” or anything like that. It’s not why I do this. The conversation is always awkward when people tell me how brave I am – as if I’m supposed to give up or something. Like anyone, living is not a choice for me, it’s just all there is. And I’m not quite sure that I’m making it work right now. I have a litany of problems that I need to work on, both internal and external. I have to fix those before I can be satisfied. When I’m living on my own, at a real university, have a good social circle and a girl, I’ll consider it a success. I’ll accept nothing short of that.
Dr. Rob: So the whole “No woman, no cry” philosophy doesn’t sit with you? So be it.
There’s a difference – and many of you young folk miss this point – between living and thriving. Whether you embrace it or not people are going to be impressed with the fact that you are striving to create the best life possible for yourself. The fact that you’ll settle for nothing short of that will be viewed as admirable, if only because so many people, whether it be due to physical and/or psychological difficulties, roll over and play dead. They simply exist. You’re seeking more, which is the way it should be, and that will invariably draw others’ attention even if it makes you self-conscious.
It’s like when people are awestruck by my good looks, dynamic personality, remarkable hygiene and the fact that when some guy accidently bumped into me today I totally got in his grill and said “excuse me, please be more careful next time.” Do I like the adoration of others? No, no I do not. But it’s just a fact of life that I have to accept. You don’t have to want to inspire others, but you do.
Hotwheelz: I’m in more of a, “No woman, no make happy in my pants” situation. And, right now, making happy in my pants is right up there with oxygen, food and water in terms of needs. Do you think there really are 72 virgins in heaven? No wonder some of those guys blow themselves up. Forbid a man from sex and masturbation long enough and he’ll believe and do anything (any and all hate mail should be directed at me, not the poor doctor). But I digress.
I understand that distinction between living and thriving, and I’ve never been content with merely existing. That’s no fun. I say, if you’re not gonna enjoy this brief period of consciousness the universe has given you, then what the fuck are you doing here? I want to leave this world better than it was than when I came in. If I do that, then I’ll consider my life worthwhile. I suppose if people find my journey admirable along the way then that is a welcome side-effect. It still doesn’t shape how I approach my writing, nor does it shape my philosophy on life, but hopefully I will grow into the role once I start to feel I’ve earned it.
Before we wind this conversation up, do you mind if we talk dirty next? You may have noticed I’m experiencing frustrations of the sexual nature.
Dr. Rob: Sex is pretty much the standard topic of conversation in a shrink’s practice so that’s fine. Actually, I am a little curious about your focus on sex. Obviously most young men (and a lot of older ones) have a curiosity about sex that teeters on obsession. But does it hold a special significance for you personally?
Hotwheelz: It does. Some days it’s all I think about. Obsession is not a strong enough word. A friend told me it’s like super condensed puberty. I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve idealized the experience so much, there’s almost no way it’ll live up to my expectations. It wouldn’t be so bad if I could masturbate, but being horny and unable to do anything about it dominates my thoughts. It feels like I’m missing out. I look for outlets, cyber sex rooms mostly. Of course it doesn’t help, and actually only exacerbates the problem. Yet, I still do it. I don’t know why. It’s stupid and irrational. Why do I do it?
Dr. Rob: As I discussed here, the devil is in the details. If your motivation is to live a full and satisfying fantasy life, then click away. But I have to suspect that your actions create ridiculously off-base expectations about sex. The web is cyber-air brushing: every flaw is hidden. People can be whoever they want on the net; for 90% of the population, though, that’s usually another person altogether.
I think I get the obsession you have. Some of that is innate because we’re meant to reproduce and of course some of it is curiosity. But every film, TV show, magazine and message board (including our own) sends a fucked-up message to guys about sex: if you get sex you’re to be lauded and celebrated for how awesome you are, if you don’t then you suck. Sex isn’t about self-esteem or worth. In fact, I haven’t met any guys in their 60’s and 70’s who said, “I’m so fucking glad I had all that sex when I was younger, that proved how much of a man I was.”
Hotwheelz: The messed up part with the chat rooms is that I know the person I’m talking to is probably not who they say they are. I just choose to ignore it. It’s easier to get wrapped up in the fantasy than to acknowledge reality. It’s not something I’m proud of… why am I admitting this? Damn you, Dr. Rob!
Oh, I completely agree with you that sex, or my lack thereof, should not define me. I don’t look at it as a measurement of my self-worth at all. I mean, I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt my ego, but I don’t think it makes me any less of a man. You’re right; part of it is the biological urge to fuck. That urge, however, is enhanced by the fact that I can’t… please my love hammer. It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for that. I know it was half a century ago, but you remember being 19, right? It’s unhealthy to not masturbate. I hear your sperm gets all retarded n’ shit.
Dr. Rob: If a biological/sexual release is not in the cards for you, then I have a question: can you and will you define yourself as a worthwhile, reasonably happy person who doesn’t have sex as part of his regimen? Can you be the guy who defines himself as someone with complete and radical acceptance of the hand he’s been dealt? There are people who are required to give up so many aspects of daily life that far too many of us take for granted, and I know you’ve already done that in different domains. Can sex be one of those as well?
Hotwheelz: No, for now it can’t. If it’s not in the cards, then I’m getting new cards. Of course, if a situation arose where it became completely impossible for me to have sex, then I’d be willing to accept my circumstances since they are beyond my control. But this is something I can control, and it’s something I want to work towards. I’m sure I could be fulfilled, complete and all that crap without it, but why should I give up on something that is attainable? As long as my thingamajiggy works, I’m gonna try to use it. Just like any other sane 19-year-old teenager.
I wish there were more people out there like this guy. I really do admire the tenacity. For those of you who want updates on Hotwheelz’s…quest, check out his site. And if you caught that jab from him about my age, feel free to send him hate mail about it. He’s more than deserving.

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7 Responses to “HotWheelz and Dr. Rob: Together At Last, Part 2”

  1. Anon says:

    I’ve heard about a similar situation: a disabled teenager found himself sexually frustrated to the point of distraction. Eventually he began losing sleep and appetite. Rather than seeing a psychologist, it was arranged for him to meet an escort from a local escort service. Afterward, the sleeplessness and loss of appetite seemed to abate.
    Forgive me for being insensitive, but I’m honestly curious (maybe because when I try to imagine myself in such a situation, I’m not sure what I would do, given the choice): would an escort service be an acceptable solution?

  2. anon2 says:

    I agree with the second anon, just see a hooker already.
    Also, I don’t actually know if this is the case, but I’m pretty sure there are disability fetish websites out there that could help.

  3. April says:

    Dan Savage has a lot to say on this issue (disabled people and sex). Hotwheelz should Google “Savage Love” and dig through the archives…

  4. Nimh says:

    Not to be nit-picky (but I am, so deal 🙂 ), but I don’t believe that’s what Marley meant when he said “No woman, No cry.” It’s intended to be comforting, like “No, woman, don’t cry, everything will be fine.”
    “Hey, little sister, don’t shed no tears.
    No, woman, no cry.”
    The songs about someone who just died. Just sayin’. 🙂
    As for Mr. Wheelz, I’ve been reading him (and you) for a while now. It’s very interesting to get inside his head. I can’t even imagine the situation he’s in.

  5. Tristan says:

    I can’t find a source for this on the internet but I’ve heard that in the Netherlands there’s a government-sponsored program that provides prostitutes (supposedly on a weekly basis) to people with certain mental or physical health issues that makes it difficult to have a sex life or masturbate. Has anyone else heard of this? Whether true or not I think it’s a good idea.

  6. Jon says:

    “if you get sex you’re to be lauded and celebrated for how awesome you are, if you don’t then you suck”
    Upon reading that, I realised how much I’ve been surrounded by that idea. Most of the people around me pretty much idolise Tucker for the above reason.
    “Sex isn’t about self-esteem or worth.”
    Thank you so much for liberating me from the wrong idea. And letting me feel better about myself that my friends are getting more than me. =P

  7. Anonymous says:

    Great! post! 🙂