Can Dr. Pete Find True Love on Match.com?

Usually around the spring and summertime, my single clients tend to amp up their dating activity. Hope springs eternal and when the weather gets better people seem to want that “special someone” to do things with. Ten years ago it was almost unheard of to use the internet for dating. Now, however, if you are single and looking, people begin to wonder why you haven’t tried Match.com, Eharmony, JDate, or even AdultFriendFinder.

When my clients use Match, they tend to go on a large number of dates very quickly, simply in part due to the colossal number of people who are registered and looking. Some of the encounters prove to be very good, according to the client. However when things don’t turn into a second date – a common occurrence on mass dating sites – they don’t know what, if anything, they did wrong. I’ve noticed two possible reasons for this:


1) Because Match deals with such massive volume, it’s entirely possible that although a rendezvous went well, the other person may have found someone better suited for him/her in the days or even hours since the initial meeting. I had a client who literally needed an Excel spreadsheet to keep track of his romantic wheelings and dealings. Everyday he went on one lunch date, one Happy Hour date, then dinner with yet another person and, finally, a nightcap date with a fourth person. Twenty dates per work week with another 5-10 on the weekends. If one date went well, even very well, the guy had every intention of setting up another date. But by the time a day or so had past, he had another 4-8 women that could have been a better fit, leaving someone like my client out in the cold, even though she would be a fine partner. Some people find this approach untraditional, even reprehensible, but it is the reality of dating via such a popular website.

2) Sometimes dates go well, but that doesn’t necessarily translate to one of the parties seeking out a second encounter (again, this is especially true due to point number one above). The sad reality accompanying this is that, for most, it’s easier to say “that was great! I’ll call you, or text you, or email you, or IM you, or show up at your office or the front step of your apartment, and we’ll go out again,” then it is to come out with the truth: “this was fun, but we just didn’t click or you’re not my type.” For those of you who are completely honest in this regard, you should be applauded because you are in the minority. For many, the anxiety and discomfort of having to outright reject another is too much for the psyche to tolerate. Humans are notorious for taking the quick fix, the drug that will eliminate the distress. That means not coming out with the truth, even if it means long-term punishment (e.g., feeling guilty, needing to answer unwanted emails, being labeled a Douchebag or a Bitch, etc.). We’ll often pass on going to the gym because it’s a pain in the ass, even though it means decreased health over the medium and long-haul. The same is true for dating: it’s faster, nicer and just good karma to be out with the lack of interest at the moment of truth, but many still pass and will just deal with the consequences later.

My socially aversive friend and colleague, Dr. Pete, is turning over a new leaf, and has decided that he would like to meet a special lady. Someone who understands him, or at least can tolerate the fact that he might vomit into a potted plant when the waiter approaches him. And so even though I warned him about the above-mentioned perils, he insists on taking the plunge. Unfortunately Pete’s skill is therapy, not writing. So in exchange for allowing me to use him as form of online Grand Rounds for social anxiety, I agreed to write a first draft of his Match.com profile.

Unlike most New York City shrinks, Pete is very nautically-minded. He enjoys yachting, sailing, water skiing, fishing, anything around boats and water. He even likes pirates! Therefore he insists on meeting a woman with similar tastes. That was his only requirement. Unfortunately, if you give me that much latitude, I’ll take full advantage of it.

Here is my draft. I would strongly encourage you to add your thoughts and ideas in the Comments thread. We’re talking about a man’s search for love here, people! Lend a hand, won’t you?

Match.Com Profile for Dr. Pete

Tagline: Be My Mate, Matey!

Ahoy Fair Maiden!

Be my ballast! Shipmaster with doctorate in the psychological arts seeks second in command for nautical fun. Other men profess to have the sexy cobbles of Blackheart or the facial pulchritude of Calico Jack; shun their nefarious claims! With me you’ll experience all the wonders of both land and sea. If you’re familiar with a gaff-topsail or how to measure our gross tonnage as we sail from port to port, look no further than this Aqua Master.

After we’ve docked our tug prepare to dine on the finest catches the city has to offer. We will start with Red Lobster as our premiere maritime-themed eating establishment and move our vessel along the Hudson as our bellies dictate. If you prefer landlubber fare, prepare for sumptuous steaks at Sizzler or mouth-watering Italian fare at SBarro! And make no mistake: come nightfall, our houseboat will certainly be a’rockin (insert sexually suggestive wink here). Believe you me, Comely Lass, this is one Captain you’ll want to “Hook.”

Note: Bonus points allotted for the fair sea creature who prefers to drink her grog in excess (i.e., the Viking way).

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33 Responses to “Can Dr. Pete Find True Love on Match.com?”

  1. Cassandra says:

    Oh good lord! I won’t even try to add to this … this is simultaneously so cheezy but awesome! I love “Aqua Master.”

  2. Colin says:

    Please tell me you’re joking.

  3. Yasmin says:

    I like it – I am guessing it will catch a lot of attention for the poor guy.
    The only part I don’t like is the restaurant names…I assume (hope!) that they are meant to be sarcastic, but I am not sure that comes across properly when there is so much else going on with the pirate talk. It is like mixing metaphors…only styles are being mixed instead.
    Also not sure about the “houseboat” – those always seem like the trailer parks of boats. Although maybe a real boat lover would have a different view. Maybe push more the yachting/sailing/water-skiing stuff – they sound much cooler.
    Fun stuff! I hope we get updates as to the effectiveness! 🙂

  4. range says:

    He’ll certainly get some interesting dates, if he gets any.
    Personally, I don’t think that these dating sites are a great way to meet people. The truth is that a lot of people tend to lie, even more than in real person, so you never know what you are going to get.
    I find that it’s best to be set-up by your friends and people close to your circle of friends. Sure, I met my wife at a rave in 2001, but that doesn’t mean that you need to go out every night to find true love.

  5. sara says:

    Take out the “seeks second in command” and change it to something like, seeks co-captain. The way it is struck me as chauvinist, which he isn’t, or alpha-male-ish, which he also isn’t.

  6. Anonymous says:

    If Dr. Pete finds his lady, he can borrow his vows from “Wedding Crashers”…. (below)
    As you all know,
    Craig and Christina are quite the sailing enthusiasts. They have written their own vows….
    I, Craig,
    take you, Christina,
    to be my wife,
    my best friend
    and my first mate…
    through sickness and health,
    clear skies and squalls.
    I, Christina,
    take you, Craig,
    to be my best friend,
    and my captain…
    to be your anchor
    and your sail…
    …your starboard
    and your port.
    And now I pronounce you
    husband and wife.
    You may kiss
    the first mate.

  7. Lizza says:

    Haha, I love it! It would definitely catch my eye, and I’d probably message him just from sheer curiosity. It stands out from the standard crap people usually write, which is a definite plus.

  8. Joe says:

    Come on man! I expected some pun about “sea legs.”

  9. Nora says:

    no one on there is looking for anything more than to just get laid. I wasted considerable time trying to actually date people on all those stupid sites. Nothing beats the old-fashioned way of getting drunk and picking up some stranger in a bar.

  10. Amber says:

    Oh wow. That is hilarious Rob! Thanks for a morning laugh!

  11. JayEddie says:

    I have to agree with Sara. Any woman worth a serious relationship isn’t going to accept being considered inferior, but rather insist on being considered equal from the very start. Second-mate just won’t cut it.
    And Sbarro???? Is he looking for high school girls?

  12. Cathy says:

    I know it’s supposed to be funny, but it seems a little mean.
    Dr. Rob: Could you elaborate on this? Mean toward Pete or the women who would date him? Or nautical people? For what it’s worth, Pete gave full approval before this was posted.

  13. Cathy says:

    Well, I obviously don’t know Dr. Pete or you, but the social phobia you describe that Dr. Pete experiences seems kind of sad. I think it is neat that he is trying something new and that it might be difficult for him.

  14. Wayland says:

    Pete for the win. The restaurant names threw me off. I hope Pete finds someone worth spending time with.

  15. Tracie says:

    If I came across that ad and was looking, I would probably laugh and make contact even if it was just to say “Hey, nice ad, it made me giggle.” So many of those sites are just the same old crap, the same self-conscious descriptions and Myspace angle shots. Anything different enough to garner a second glance is awesome.
    Good luck, Dr. Pete! I hope you find the Salacia to your Neptune.

  16. sandyphd says:

    Here is one of my pet peeves. A trend I see on these online dating sites. Let’s take a man, age 35. He selects the age range of his ideal dating partner: 20-32. Or 20-30.
    He doesn’t want to date a woman his own age? Really? What is up with that?

  17. Leo says:

    Sandy, because most men (to some extent) wish to fulfill the role of the protector. The whole “I go work, while you stay in the kitchen and raise the kids deal”. And women in the same age group would already have found that.
    Call it sexist or what may have you, but realistically, if you are fishing in a great sea of near anonymity, why not set the lure for what you perceive to be the greatest catch?

  18. spark says:

    First and foremost, leave the second in command if you aren’t going to change anything else. Any girl that would really have a problem with this in the goofy context of the profile, is probably not a girl you would want to date anyway. I would have no problem being some woman’s cabana boy/first mate, whatever. She should feel the same. You know, unless you like a dinner date with a bias toward feminism.
    (By the way Sara and JayEddie, the woman would be second in command simply because it is HIS boat, not because he is the man.)
    That said, I think that this is far too silly to actually receive any responses, except possibly from women that you may have steered in his direction via your site.
    Even if you do get the occasional “that’s so funny/cute/creative” response, it will probably end there. Serious profile, serious responses. Goofy profile, goofy responses.
    As an aside, this seems geared to women who already sail; which is neat, but is probably only what, 2% of the population? However, what percentage of women don’t know how to sail, but would like to learn while getting to know a sophisticated pirate? I mean, were probably not talking 50% here, but I think the target audience would be much larger none-the-less.
    Hope this helped.
    -Spark

  19. It would definitely stand out. I’m curious if anyone has done any research in what men/women find attractive from online dating profiles. I bet Pirates and Ninjas are way up there!

  20. Disciple of "Bob" says:

    Most importantly, the draft you’ve proposed hints obliquely that the seeker has lots of money. Therein lies the key to understanding whatever success may come of this.
    In my experience, internet dating sites are a huge waste of time and effort unless your interests don’t stray far from celebrity gossip, some felon-ridden sports team, and Miller Lite.
    Take it from me: if you have a tendency toward misanthropy, all you need in order to reinforce that feeling is to join a few internet dating sites.
    Additionally, you’ve set up Dr. Pete for failure. Once the stupid pirate jokes have worn thin, what’s left? Oh wait, money! Never mind.

  21. Disciple of "Bob" says:

    And now that I’ve thought about it even more, what’s a woman going to think when she finds out that Dr. Pete’s pirate extravaganza wasn’t even written by Dr. Pete? All successful relationships are based on plagiarism and deception, yes?
    How many Milli Vanilli fans have you met recently?
    Think just a little about it.
    Meanwhile, I’ll go back to my lonely involuntary solitude and resume waiting to die.

  22. Leo says:

    Social phobias suck. Internet dating does too. So in all honesty, why doesn’t he just do what the rest of us do? Get drunk to the point where rejection seems no worse than a lost rock-paper-scissors game, and go from there?

  23. Silvercat says:

    Internet dating is only if you want to get laid? Since when? I’ve gotten all my dates, with nice guys, off dating sites (Soulgeek and OKCupid). There’s a lot less pressure.

  24. Leslie says:

    Ok in the past I have spent some quality time on match.com. I have met a good portion of others and current other online and so I do not doubt your methods. Also the one thing that endears me to a guys profile is humor. In reading this though I would have to wonder if you had some strange “water play” in mind. I found it mostly cute. Mildly funny and borderline… too weird. Maybe a little less pirate talk and a little more personal info?
    Just my 2 cents.

  25. jackmo says:

    more inuendo
    I’ll swab your decks love
    If you can make my mast fly then you don’t have to walk the plank
    looking for ships mate thats willing to work with seaman
    oh and include a photoshopped photo and lie about his salary – this flawless plan will never be uncovered

  26. jackmo says:

    what about asking for a partner in crime to go treasure hunting
    because in his experience, unlike the G-spot, hidden treasure can be found

  27. Anonymous says:

    Are you on vacation? It’s been a while since your last post.
    Dr. Rob: family in town plus writer’s block is a bad combo. I hope to fix that very soon.

  28. Cassandra says:

    Say “hi!” to the family for us!

  29. Margot Jack says:

    Shall we have here a modern times Christian de Neuvillette and Cyrano de Bergerac story? The beginning looks similar (one writes for the one who cannot write), though the writing style of our modern Cyrano does not quite match either the style of a Cyrano or a Rostand. But this does not need to be an impediment if our modern Cyrano has a modern cousin. Would this be the case, then the terribly “modern” style of our modern Cyrano, I’m sure, will be appreciated by our modern Roxanne. Oh, Good Lord, what am I saying? Appreciated? She’ll fall in love immediately!

  30. xrfdgdyr says:

    xrfdgdyr…

    xrfdgdyr…

  31. Julene says:

    This can only end in hilarity.

  32. Annie says:

    You are really creative…. seriously.

  33. kells says:

    I think Match.com is a great way to meet high quality guys . However, if I read that profile, the guy not only sounds boring but also in need of phychiatric care. First, leave out the career it’s not a resume and describe a recent trip or a fun hobby or interest.

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