Reuniting With Your First Love…on the Net

They say that you never forget your first love. And with the exception of yours truly, who would rather stick his tongue in a bear trap than even think about his high school girlfriend, many look back on their first romances with fond feelings. Although not everyone thinks of that relationship for more than a passing moment or so, some must wonder what it would be like to rekindle the romance they had when they were teenagers or college-aged.

Suppose for a minute that you could. What would that be like?

As of 2003, Dr. Nancy Kalish had studied over 2,000 “lost love” relationships. She said that three-quarters of first loves who reunite years later decide to stay together, even when the reunion begins as an adulterous affair. Normally, most marriages that begin as affairs terminate. How are these people reconnecting and why would the relationship work at a later date?

The web, of course, is where most of these meetings begin. When Dr. Kalish was doing her research in the early 2000’s, the most popular site for finding people from the past was Classmates.com. At that time, the site found that 36 percent of respondents had used the net to look up or contact a former significant other. And Dr. Kalish stated in an interview with the Boston Globe that while many people begin their search as simple curiosity, affairs can escalate quickly *. The interviewer, Carey Goldberg, noted an anonymous respondent from Dr. Kalish’s research to highlight this point:


“It’s like you’re falling in love all over again,” she said. Her first boyfriend found her on the web, and before she knew it, she was obsessed, and then lying to her husband, and then sexually unfaithful, and then caught by her husband – who, to her continuing gratitude, stuck with her instead of divorcing her.

Dr. Kalish brings up a very interesting point: “therapists tend to underestimate the powerful nature of such old loves, especially first loves. As a result, they tend to tell such patients that their feelings for their re-found loves are based on fantasy and that they can find the same feelings in their own marriages if they only try. But that fails to take into account that reunited lovers really do know and love each other, and a first love, in particular, remains unique. This is not about sex, it is not about the spouse or the marriage, it is not a midlife crisis,” she said. “The reunion is a continuation of a love that was interrupted.”

Carey Goldberg notes some research indicates that a teenager may attach specifically to a first lover in much the same way as a baby attaches to a mother. This hypothesis was given by Dr. Linda Waud, a Psychologist who wrote her dissertation on three reunited couples.

“There is an actual neurological attachment that happens between these individuals,” she said, “and that’s why it’s enduring and it never leaves your mind. It’s there forever and ever.” Interestingly, Dr. Waud herself reconnected with a long-lost love after 35 years apart.

In her in-depth interviews of the three couples, she noted that they had unusually intense sexual connections, which made her posit that sexual attachment may work with the same kind of specificity as baby-mother attachment.

Although a dissertation with only three couples makes generalization extremely difficult, she is onto something. I’ve made the very mistake that Dr. Kalish pointed out: that the former love is simply a fantasy and that one’s current relationship can satisfy this new need. And this is coming from someone who is not only a product of divorce, but someone who also spends most of his days thinking about why marriages fail, so I obviously thought I had some weight behind my advice. After I was wrong not once but three times with clients who ultimately chose to leave their marriage for their high school sweethearts, I had to rethink my position. There’s a possibility for a permanent footprint in your brain when it comes to your first love.
What does this mean for current relationships? With Facebook now in complete control of the human race, more and more people are reconnecting. Many will get back in touch with old flames, possibly their very first romance. Depending on how those conversations go – and yes, of course many of them will be simple hello’s and good-bye’s – casual chat may turn into flirtation, then a discussion about status and availability. And when the relationship moves from Facebook to IM to text to telephone and then to personal contact, the attachment that Dr. Waud talks about has perhaps manifested itself in a true rekindling of the romance, with much more backing than any affair could produce. For some, decisions will need to be made. If married, do I leave for what might be really ‘the one?’ Or do I stay and honor what I’ve agreed to while relinquishing what my mind had perhaps bonded to years ago?

Unfortunately I don’t have the answer to that question and I’m pretty sure that we could get a 50/50 breakdown if we asked enough people. Every person in this spot will need to answer it, however. And from what I’ve seen in my practice, it’s an agonizing choice, especially when the current relationship is at least somewhat satisfying. So essentially I’m along for the ride as people decide what is in their best interests as well as the other parties involved. This can take months, perhaps years, to weigh out the pros and cons, the practical and emotional changes involved in life-altering decisions like these, the risks involved in making the ‘wrong’ choice. In other words, watching a client grapple with a problem like this is very difficult to watch. Even if you think you know the right choice, you can’t give it to the client. He or she truly has to come to it via the self. It can’t be spoon fed. Some will leave their families and begin new lives with a former love, usually with a large amount of guilt. Others will stay put and feel that permanent imprint tugging at them. Either way, it’s not a particularly envious position in which to be.

If you enjoyed this piece please consider giving your blessing to my Facebook Fan Page. Thank you.

* I’d link to this specific article, written by Carey Goldberg, but it’s archived and you have to pay to read it. Hit up Globe.com if my piece doesn’t summarize it sufficiently for you or if you don’t mind spending the fee.

Related Post: Reuniting With Your First Love…On the Net (Revisited)

Update (11/20/13): I’m not sure if this is of interest to anyone, but I received this solicitation and agreed to post it. Consider it useful until early December, 2013:

Now Casting: People Looking For Missed Love Connections!

Do you believe that your one true love is actually someone from your past? Do you often think about “what could have been” with an old flame? Or perhaps someone that you met and felt the timing was off, but could have blossomed under different circumstances? Do you dream of reuniting with a high school or college boyfriend or girlfriend, but don’t know where to find them? Was there a person that you had a steamy vacation tryst with, but have never been able to track down?

If so, we want to hear from you! A major production company is casting for people who dream of working with an expert to make a love (re)connection with someone from their past. To learn more or refer a friend, please email us at MissedConnectionsCasting@gmail.com and a Casting Producer will be in touch ASAP.

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12,329 Responses to “Reuniting With Your First Love…on the Net”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Aretha…
    Thanks…but I guess once you delete a conversation on FB messenger, you actually make it so you can’t message that person anymore…. We both deleted the whole conversation….now neither of us get the messages from each other….
    Any other ideas???

  2. Anonymous says:

    I’ve been following this page for nearly a year. I did comment a few times nearly a year ago.. and guess what I’m still just as lost! I’ve been in contact with my fl for nearly a year and the amount of times we have agreed to cut contact for my own state of mind! I feel like I’m breaking his heart in the process of breaking my own and my partner of 10 years! I haven’t a clue how anyone copes with theses situations! I haven’t coped at all. I’ve told myself take things day by day and things will fall into place. I’m no closer to understanding or making any choices! I feel stuck and alone!

  3. Lost sos 85 says:

    It’s been nearly a year since my fl contacted me and I feel I’m still no closer to figuring any of this out! I feel like I’m breaking his heart in the process of breaking my own and my partner of 10 years! We have tried to cut contact so many times! How anyone copes with this situation is beyond me! I haven’t coped well at all and I’m still not coping. I feel totally lost and alone, a year on!

  4. onetruelove says:

    How do you start off a conversation with someone that you haven’t spoken to in 23 years?

  5. From Experience says:

    You can try Skype, Messenger, Mustache and there are other anonymous methods of texting. Skype is good but you have to remember to close it down when you get home

    The best way to communicate is to be truthful with your spouses, come clean and then you don’t have to cheat and do deceitful things. I have found that is the best way to deal with these relationships.

    Be truthful once and for all. Then you can start healing.

  6. Down the Rabbit Hole says:

    My coping strategy has been to try to refocus on what I have to be thankful for. It doesn’t always work but is the only way I’ve been able to maintain sanity. Three years into this and I am still struggling.

  7. Have Faith says:

    Anon/Lost sos

    Now I am the one who is lost. Why did you post nearly the same message twice, under different names? Just half an hour apart? At first I thought you were From Experience answering my last post, but I guess you are not. But I do remember you, Lost sos 85…..

  8. Have Faith says:

    Oh wait. I think I figured it out. You are two different people, and you are cutting and pasting old posts, so that is why parts of the posts are identical. But why would you do such a thing? So weird.

  9. Down the Rabbit Hole says:

    One True Love: my FL said “hello darlin”. Lol…I wouldn’t recommend such a forward opener, but Hello, how are you? is a good place to start.

  10. PleaseGodCanIBeWithLL says:

    LostSOS probably posted the first one and forgot to put her name to it and simply re-posted.

    @onetruelove,

    Start with “Hello.”

  11. BeeBee says:

    Not sure if anyone read my initial post, but if you did, poll:

    A) Tell my wife about messages and feelings for my FL, which would surely lead to separation and cut my time with my dear kids by 50%. But, lead to the possibility of relationship happiness.
    B) End all contact with FL, feel feelings of regret and “what if” forever. Stay in what’s called “semi-happy” marriage, but get to keep 100% time with kids.
    C) Convince wife AND FL to become fundamentalist mormon and have multiple wives, we’re all together including kids, woo hoo!

    Sorry for the religious humor on C, couldn’t help it. It’s the dream!! :)

  12. From Experience says:

    One True Love,

    My advice is to not start any conversation if either of you are married. You will regret it.

  13. Have Faith says:

    Why would she copy and paste part of her own post? If you forget to post your name you would just post that in another post and say that you had forgotten your name on the first one. I have a feeling there is someone trolling the board for some strange reason. Weird.

    One true love
    I just told him I was sorry for making a mistake 26 years earlier.

  14. Have Faith says:

    BB
    Definately C.

    But seriously, whatever you decide has to be a decision that is honest for you. Dont stay in the marriage if its only ” for the kids”.and you are unhappy.

  15. Casey says:

    BeeBee

    I know this is going to seem like such hypocritical advice given that I left my “semi-happy” marriage after reconnecting with my FL but I was very clear in my mind that I was not leaving FOR my FL, I was leaving for me and frankly, I was leaving for my husband. We bickered a lot and there was no intimacy (and hadn’t been in years). I wasn’t inwardly happy and I’m sure my ex wasn’t either but we put up a great front for family and friends. My kids, growing up in our house, did not have a great model for marriage but all the while, I characterized my marriage as comfortable and stable because there wasn’t any infidelity, addictions, abuse or money problems. What was missing was love, affection, teamwork, support and sex. It wasn’t until after I reconnected with my FL that I truly came to realize that I wasn’t living. I was just existing. My husband knew when my FL first opened up to me and I even read him the first few soul baring messages I received. From there, I began communicating semi-regularly through FB messenger with my FL. It progressed to texting and ultimately to talking on the phone. I met up with him a couple of times in a group setting and after I made the decision to separate from my husband, I saw him a couple of times one on one. There was never anything physically intimate but there were certainly a lot of emotionally intimate moments. My husband was aware of our contact though there came a point when I was beginning to hide it from him and finally toward the very end of our marriage, I hit the point when I no longer tried to hide it as I was checked out completely at that time. I was so cavalier toward my husband’s feelings. He never complained nor questioned me or my relationship with my FL. He even knew that I was with him a couple of times in those group settings and he allowed me to go. He trusted me (probably too much) because while I was not physically cheating on him, I was definitely emotionally cheating on him. I didn’t feel good about that and the more I became involved with my FL, the more I detached from my husband. Timing is everything and frankly, at the time that my FL opened the flood gates, I was already contemplating the idea of a separation as my two youngest children had gone off to college. Timing is everything. He has told me that he had wanted to say something to me for years but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. Had he said something to me years before, I would not have even entertained that conversation as I was very focused on raising my family in a two parent home. My kids have always been my priority but now they are gone and it’s time for me to focus on what’s going to make me happy in the second half of my life. So that is a long way of saying that if you don’t intend to leave your marriage and don’t want to risk losing the chance to see your kids on a daily basis, it is probably best to end the contact and NOT to mention any of it to your wife. As a woman, I know what kind of impact that would have on me and from my perspective, I would say, no good can come of that. More than that, women are very intuitive and I’m telling you, even if you don’t tell her, she’s either already sensing it or soon will. There is absolutely no guarantee that you and your FL can make it work and the amount of damage you will do along the way may make the possibility of your relationship with your FL even more difficult. My FL’s kids are fine with me as my FL was divorced when I came back into his life. His ex-wife is NONE TO HAPPY to see me return. We were rivals for his affection back in the day and it seems, we still are now. It is NOT EASY! My kids are not quite as accepting as my FL’s kids are as all of my kids are acutely aware that I left my marriage after the reappearance of my FL. I still basically hide the nature of my relationship with my FL from my kids. They know that we are exceptionally close but literally, every time he calls (and that’s multiple times a day usually), if they are around they will tell me flat out not to answer the phone. They want me to be happy but I think they resent him and they don’t even know how involved we really are!!! I know it’s easy to get caught up in the fairy tale dream of happily ever after with your lost love but the reality is you are contemplating wrecking alot of lives to have that happen. The fallout is going to be very difficult for all involved. If you read my last post from a couple of days ago, I basically said do not make any life altering decisions too quickly. I’d also add that if you aren’t in too deep already, better not to go there at all. I consider my story to be a success. My FL and I are free to explore what this could be and we now live just over 10 minutes apart so we are able to see each other frequently. We are in constant contact and he is without a doubt, my best friend but all of this has come with a price so make sure your butt can cash that check before you proceed any further! Hope this helps…

  16. PleaseGodCanIBeWithLL says:

    @Have Faith
    I just thought of something…since these posts are now moderated and don’t show up immediately, maybe LostSOS thought the original post didn’t go through and reposted it again?

  17. Perplexed says:

    @onetruelove — YOU DON’T… as the Frozen song says– Let it go, let it go! Because when you do chaos begins. That cat’s out the bag- Pandora’s box has been open – the chickens will have flown the coupe — and any other cliché you can think of! A simple innocent “hello, how have you been?” can turn a person’s world upside down.

  18. Love of My Life says:

    You are correct PleaseGod with you statement …

    @Have Faith
    I just thought of something…since these posts are now moderated and don’t show up immediately, maybe LostSOS thought the original post didn’t go through and reposted it again?

    … when I commented the other day I noticed that I could not see my post like I used to before and thought it didn’t go. When I checked back later it was posted.

    Dr. Rob Edit: Yes, all comments are now moderated by me prior to posting. This will help eliminate the Bully Factor. Sometimes I can to comments within minutes, other times not such quickly.

  19. Perplexed says:

    Just an update for those who may remember me…

    FL and I are still talking and texting (all the time), face-timing (sometimes) and seeing each other (when we can). Most recent face-to face visit was a couple weeks ago for a couple days. We had a really great time… it just feels so easy to get “settled in” with him.

    For those who don’t know me… quick recap:
    – FL and I dated off and on from Jr. High until the start of my freshman year in college
    – We lost contact from 1998 until 2007
    – I contacted him for the first time via MySpace in ’07 when we were both married
    – I am still married w/ 2 kids, he’s now divorced w/ 2 kids
    – We have stayed reconnected since ’07 with gaps of silence over the years.

    However the past year has been fairly intense as we have now seen each other in person twice within a year’s time which is a lot considering we live about 300 miles apart and have day-to-day lives and whatnot.

    To onetruelove I may sound like a hypocrite because I was the one who got all this started with my FL but I know first hand what reaching out can do. I’m glad I did it but it has been hard to try to stop or end whatever this is once it was started and it just really complicates your life more than it needs to be. While we are just seeing where this goes and really enjoy having each other back in our lives, it still feels like FL is waiting on me and I’m being a horrible wife to my hubby (FYI-hubby does not know but things aren’t all rosy at home either). What may start out as an innocent check to see how life has been treating someone you once loved and cared about very much can quickly turn into an unlocked love that you didn’t know still resided inside you for that same someone and there isn’t an off switch, especially if the love is reciprocated as mine has been.

    Best of luck to all of you riding this roller coaster and those of you standing on the ground wondering if you want to ride.

  20. Have Faith says:

    I am aware of the time lapse in posting, and I thought of that, too. As it’s happened to me before as well, where I wasn’t sure if a post went through or not. And that easily could be what happened with that post. But what makes me suspicious that there is a troll on the board, is that parts of that post were identical – like they had been cut and pasted. Also, I am quite sure that someone in the past has cut and pasted and copied old posts from people who no longer post here, and then impersonated the former poster using their old posts. A very strange thing to do, on a board like this.

    And to be fully honest, I am involved in on-line harassment off this board, and so I am very observant now about anything that is out of the ordinary. I will also say I am fully aware that some of the people harassing me in other places are also posting on this board. Previously, they were able to harass me here as well, but since Dr. Rob started moderating the comments that has put a stop to it here. So thank you Dr. Rob.

  21. Have Faith says:

    Perplexed,
    You are so right about all this being like pandora’s box. Once it’s opened it will never close again. I think we can all agree on that. What are you hoping will happen in your situation? Are you thinking of leaving your husband for your FL since he is now single, or are you satisfied keeping at as an affair? I wonder what your FL’s opinion is on all this….does he want you to leave your husband, and if so, would you be willing to do so?

  22. BeeBee says:

    Casey –

    Thank you for all the insightful information and perspective. I would like to add more info to my story. Our marriage was semi-happy prior to FL reappearance. There is very little chemistry, affection, sex. It has been this way for years. In fact, it took me six years to propose to her because of my ongoing doubts about our chemistry. I was mainly attracted to my wife’s motherly instincts, not to mention she is beautiful and a good person, but the chemistry wasn’t all there, certainly nothing like FL chemistry, and I thought maybe we could work on that over time. I was right about her making a great mother, she is! I was wrong about working on chemistry. We’ve been together 16 years now if you include dating prior to marriage. It’s just not happening, never will. However, we are great at co-parenting, I think because at the end of the day we are both good people, love our children to death, and while we love each other it’s not a happy, in-love, affectionate, good chemistry love / marriage, which is what I really want – for both of us.

    I’m not sure if this changes what your opinion. My kids are young, so we’re talking a long time before they are out of the house. I would love for them to see what a great marriage looks like, and obviously I wish that could happen with my wife. It is just not happening. I’ll add that we’ve been in therapy for four years. We started with therapist #4 last month. FL became available last year.

  23. Don't Go there says:

    One True Love – It is hard to do, but take the advice of everyone here. Don’t contact him or her especially if one of you is married. It leads to confusion and heartache. It opens up something you can’t ever take back and so many times you wish you could back to a time before contact. Perplexed is right. I know your heart is telling you to contact but if you can help it, just let it go.

    Have Faith, I don’t understand questioning when and why someone posts. Maybe they think it didn’t post and now that Dr. Rob is moderating, it takes time to show up.

    BeeBee – if staying with your wife is only to have time with the kids and you know you are unhappy otherwise in your marriage then it’s time to fess up and leave. Don’t do it for the FL factor but knowing you won’t be completely happy.
    Never stay for the kids. Parents always think this is the best solution for their marriage and it isn’t. Kids and appearances are the worst reasons to stay in a marriage.
    If you want to tell your wife, be prepared for having to repair your marriage and if you don’t know that you absolutely would leave your marriage then don’t tell your FL it’s an option for you. Leave the marriage first before you give her false promises you aren’t ready to keep.
    While I appreciate your humor, it’s definitely inappropriate given that almost everyone here is brokenhearted over someone not being able to follow through on misguided promises.
    Your wife and your first love deserve better and if you can’t man up and do the right thing in either situation then you don’t deserve either of them.

  24. BeeBee says:

    Perplexed – My opinion is that you are in too deep and you need to tell your husband, even if that means separation. Hopefully I’m not sounding like a hypocrite since I am also married and chatting with my FL, but we’re chatting over messenger maybe once every two weeks or so. I would tell my wife and even separate before I would decide to physically see my FL, or even talk over the phone with her, or even chat over messenger intimately.

    For good reason, cheating on your spouse with someone you love is the most serious kind of cheating there is. It’s one thing if you get drunk and hook it up with a friend or co-worker and instantly realize you made a mistake, it’s just on another level with FL – which needs to be dealt with before getting too deep.

    You and your husband both deserve to be happy. A good friend reminded me recently – this isn’t a dress-rehearsal, we have one life and it’s here and now, and it’s short. If we’re not as happy as we think we can be, make something change.

  25. Have Faith says:

    Don’t go there,
    Apparently you didn’t understand my comment. Sorry, I guess I wasn’t clear. I wasn’t questioning when or why they have posted. I was questioning whether or not that was the same person posting both times, or a troll (actually two trolls) using old posts to impersonate others.

    I am quite positive it has happened before here….well I’m aware now that I have hindsight, I guess you could say. And I know for a fact (as I am very definitely being harassed off this board and have the threatening emails to prove it) that there are two people who work together writing posts pretending to be one person. However, they sometimes have screwed up and posted the same thing twice, one right after the other. But with twitter, you can delete your post when that happens. Not so here.

    And I am well aware that the same people who are harassing me on twitter also post here (and other places that I post)…..so I am just making a guess that that may be what happened with that post. Especially since to cut and paste just one line of your own post makes very little sense…..why not just copy the entire post and repost it again??

    I’m sorry if I sound overly cautious, but one of these people has sent me numerous death threats. She has hacked my gmail account. She has all my information, and she is apparently mentally unstable, so naturally I am observant of anything unusual.

  26. Perplexed says:

    Have Faith, my FL has said he would never make me choose between my family or him. He has even said if I can make it work I should because he feels it’s the right thing to do. He supports whatever decision I make but right now I feel my kids need a 2 parent home which me and hubby provide and FL completely understands that. FL has made it very clear he would like to see if we could make it work but understands that the timing is just way off but enjoys the time we do have. Of course he still dates and I have even gone a far to encourage him to settle down with one of his female friends that he seems somewhat serious about but he says he’s not wanting to go there with her. I told him I want him to be happy – whatever that means for him. We talk very openly about our relationships outside of his and ours– neither of us are jealous or anything like that we are just happy to be able to be in the other’s life.

    I am one of those people who are “trying to keep the family together” while at the same time not live with regrets. (Very selfish I know but it is what it is.) I’ve told my FL if I ever got to the point where I left my husband I would want to get myself together for a bit before moving on to another relationship. I tried to leave my marriage about 6 months ago but I guess it was a very poor attempt at it as my hubby fought harder for me to stay so I’m still in it.

    Bee Bee, I never thought I would let it go this far but I had to see if really what I was feeling was more than a feeling and texting and the occasional phone calls were not enough for me to see if there was really something there. I completely agree I am in too deep but I can’t bring myself to tell my hubby– I just can’t and I cant seem to cut it off with my FL. Judge if you must.

  27. From Experience says:

    Perplexed,

    I guess if your FL is okay with the arrangement then all you have to worry about is your conscience.
    I don’t agree with remaining in a marriage simply because you think your kids need a 2 person home. I grew up in a home where everyone on the outside thought it was perfect but living on the inside (as a child) I knew things weren’t as they should be. My parents stayed together for various reasons, including for me and my siblings. We have all had to deal with guilt knowing that our parents stuck it out (somewhat happy, mostly internally not) for our sake.
    We knew and it puts a lot of external pressure on your kids giving them the underlying responsibility knowing you are not fully happy but keeping it together for their sake. This is a very subtle, very difficult thing to understand unless you’ve been there (from the kid side).
    Consequently, I struggled with leaving my marriage longer than I should have because of the same mental games, thinking that it was better for my kids to be in a two parent home. When I came to my senses, I had wasted a lot of time being unhappy and my kids weren’t happy really either. They know.
    It is better that they know that things can go wrong and this is how we fix them. Facing them and fixing it and healing and recovering.
    You might think they don’t know but they do. Casey stated that she wishes her kids would have known what a really happy marriage was supposed to be like. I wish I had known that too and I wish my kids had known it as well.
    What I personally have learned from this experience is that compromise, in any form, is wrong. I don’t just mean it’s wrong as in sin wrong but wrong because we short change ourselves and those we say we love.
    You and your FL can repeat I love you to each other over and over and over but really, how much do you love him if you aren’t in a fully committed relationship with him? The momentum to build upon a relationship further loses itself along the way. It is stagnant.
    You can love two people at the same time but not in the same way. You love your husband but you can’t bring yourself to tell him the truth so I think it is more that you feel guilt about leaving. I could be wrong but if you didn’t have to hurt him to do it, you would be with your FL.
    What I am taking away from this, in my own situation, is that you have a certain responsibility to yourself and to those you love in every relationship. My initial response is to those I love first, me second. I think what counseling helps us with is to accept that we matter too and those things you read about your happiness matters because without it, you won’t be happy with anyone else either.
    These FL relationships are unique. They offer up old feelings, first love feelings on a platter and it’s hard to not eat from it again. The fountain of youth. That feeling that nothing can take it from you. But there are other things at stake when you have spouses and kids in your life.
    If neither of you is upset with the way things are then you can continue on as is. Deal with the guilt accordingly.
    I think the only way to handle this (knowing what I know now) is to tell your spouse(s) the truth about it all. Just how deep you’re in it and just where you are hoping it eventually goes. Be honest with them and let them decide if they want to remain in a relationship with you knowing the truth. If you speak the truth and they know that your FL will always now be a part of your marriage then you are honest about it. If you tell them and they decide they won’t stick around for that then you have given them the greatest gift (no matter how hard it is to hear) because now they are free to move on and have what they deserve. The full extent of someone’s love. Not someone that says they love them but secretly doesn’t.
    If your husband came to you and said..look, I love you but I am in love with someone else. I will stay here until the kids get older but I am going to forever be in love with her and eventually, I am hoping we end up together…if your husband said that to you, would you stay? Even if you were in love with him, would you say….okay, I am okay with you not being in love with me and eventually wanting a life with someone else?
    If the truth is present, it gives the person the ability to choose the outcome of their own life. You shouldn’t have the power to love someone half heartedly because of fear. It’s not fair.

  28. Have Faith says:

    Perplexed
    If neither of you are jealous, if neither of you feel that living without each other is like living with a part of your heart missing, then maybe the issue is more one of an unhappy marriage. Possibly you are unhappy with your husband and so you are turning to another man. I think the best idea is to really think about which of the two do you love the most.For me that answer is easy, but maybe not for everyone. If its your husband, then work on your marriage and cut all ties( unless you can keep it platonic) with your FL. If its your FL, and you do try andstay in your marriage, I think you may come to regret it later.

  29. Lost and confused says:

    Hello! It’s been about a week-ish since I’ve been here. I see some new, at least new to me, people. I am in the same boat as some! I opened pandora’s box New Year’s Day. I sent an innocent hi how is your life message to FL. Which I haven’t had any contact with for 17 years… What started out as innocent, friendship has fallen right back into being full blown in love for both of us. We are both married and have young kids. We text, email and talk on the phone as much as we can. My hubby doesn’t know and neither does his wife. We are 1,000 miles apart, so we can’t just be together whenever we want… Which is good and bad at the same time… But I’m on this roller coaster ride now…and I don’t regret it. Sure there have been lows and highs. But right now, I wouldn’t change any of it. I know the risk of what I’m doing…and I know I’ll have to live with it for the rest of my life, if it blows up in my face…. I love him, I’ve always loved him and I will always love him. I know he feels the same… So yep, I’m still lost and confused, but I’m going along for the ride :-)

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