Reuniting With Your First Love…on the Net

They say that you never forget your first love. And with the exception of yours truly, who would rather stick his tongue in a bear trap than even think about his high school girlfriend, many look back on their first romances with fond feelings. Although not everyone thinks of that relationship for more than a passing moment or so, some must wonder what it would be like to rekindle the romance they had when they were teenagers or college-aged.

Suppose for a minute that you could. What would that be like?

As of 2003, Dr. Nancy Kalish had studied over 2,000 “lost love” relationships. She said that three-quarters of first loves who reunite years later decide to stay together, even when the reunion begins as an adulterous affair. Normally, most marriages that begin as affairs terminate. How are these people reconnecting and why would the relationship work at a later date?

The web, of course, is where most of these meetings begin. When Dr. Kalish was doing her research in the early 2000’s, the most popular site for finding people from the past was Classmates.com. At that time, the site found that 36 percent of respondents had used the net to look up or contact a former significant other. And Dr. Kalish stated in an interview with the Boston Globe that while many people begin their search as simple curiosity, affairs can escalate quickly *. The interviewer, Carey Goldberg, noted an anonymous respondent from Dr. Kalish’s research to highlight this point:


“It’s like you’re falling in love all over again,” she said. Her first boyfriend found her on the web, and before she knew it, she was obsessed, and then lying to her husband, and then sexually unfaithful, and then caught by her husband – who, to her continuing gratitude, stuck with her instead of divorcing her.

Dr. Kalish brings up a very interesting point: “therapists tend to underestimate the powerful nature of such old loves, especially first loves. As a result, they tend to tell such patients that their feelings for their re-found loves are based on fantasy and that they can find the same feelings in their own marriages if they only try. But that fails to take into account that reunited lovers really do know and love each other, and a first love, in particular, remains unique. This is not about sex, it is not about the spouse or the marriage, it is not a midlife crisis,” she said. “The reunion is a continuation of a love that was interrupted.”

Carey Goldberg notes some research indicates that a teenager may attach specifically to a first lover in much the same way as a baby attaches to a mother. This hypothesis was given by Dr. Linda Waud, a Psychologist who wrote her dissertation on three reunited couples.

“There is an actual neurological attachment that happens between these individuals,” she said, “and that’s why it’s enduring and it never leaves your mind. It’s there forever and ever.” Interestingly, Dr. Waud herself reconnected with a long-lost love after 35 years apart.

In her in-depth interviews of the three couples, she noted that they had unusually intense sexual connections, which made her posit that sexual attachment may work with the same kind of specificity as baby-mother attachment.

Although a dissertation with only three couples makes generalization extremely difficult, she is onto something. I’ve made the very mistake that Dr. Kalish pointed out: that the former love is simply a fantasy and that one’s current relationship can satisfy this new need. And this is coming from someone who is not only a product of divorce, but someone who also spends most of his days thinking about why marriages fail, so I obviously thought I had some weight behind my advice. After I was wrong not once but three times with clients who ultimately chose to leave their marriage for their high school sweethearts, I had to rethink my position. There’s a possibility for a permanent footprint in your brain when it comes to your first love.
What does this mean for current relationships? With Facebook now in complete control of the human race, more and more people are reconnecting. Many will get back in touch with old flames, possibly their very first romance. Depending on how those conversations go – and yes, of course many of them will be simple hello’s and good-bye’s – casual chat may turn into flirtation, then a discussion about status and availability. And when the relationship moves from Facebook to IM to text to telephone and then to personal contact, the attachment that Dr. Waud talks about has perhaps manifested itself in a true rekindling of the romance, with much more backing than any affair could produce. For some, decisions will need to be made. If married, do I leave for what might be really ‘the one?’ Or do I stay and honor what I’ve agreed to while relinquishing what my mind had perhaps bonded to years ago?

Unfortunately I don’t have the answer to that question and I’m pretty sure that we could get a 50/50 breakdown if we asked enough people. Every person in this spot will need to answer it, however. And from what I’ve seen in my practice, it’s an agonizing choice, especially when the current relationship is at least somewhat satisfying. So essentially I’m along for the ride as people decide what is in their best interests as well as the other parties involved. This can take months, perhaps years, to weigh out the pros and cons, the practical and emotional changes involved in life-altering decisions like these, the risks involved in making the ‘wrong’ choice. In other words, watching a client grapple with a problem like this is very difficult to watch. Even if you think you know the right choice, you can’t give it to the client. He or she truly has to come to it via the self. It can’t be spoon fed. Some will leave their families and begin new lives with a former love, usually with a large amount of guilt. Others will stay put and feel that permanent imprint tugging at them. Either way, it’s not a particularly envious position in which to be.

If you enjoyed this piece please consider giving your blessing to my Facebook Fan Page. Thank you.

* I’d link to this specific article, written by Carey Goldberg, but it’s archived and you have to pay to read it. Hit up Globe.com if my piece doesn’t summarize it sufficiently for you or if you don’t mind spending the fee.

Related Post: Reuniting With Your First Love…On the Net (Revisited)

Update (11/20/13): I’m not sure if this is of interest to anyone, but I received this solicitation and agreed to post it. Consider it useful until early December, 2013:

Now Casting: People Looking For Missed Love Connections!

Do you believe that your one true love is actually someone from your past? Do you often think about “what could have been” with an old flame? Or perhaps someone that you met and felt the timing was off, but could have blossomed under different circumstances? Do you dream of reuniting with a high school or college boyfriend or girlfriend, but don’t know where to find them? Was there a person that you had a steamy vacation tryst with, but have never been able to track down?

If so, we want to hear from you! A major production company is casting for people who dream of working with an expert to make a love (re)connection with someone from their past. To learn more or refer a friend, please email us at MissedConnectionsCasting@gmail.com and a Casting Producer will be in touch ASAP.

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12,687 Responses to “Reuniting With Your First Love…on the Net”

  1. Snapped says:

    DTRH

    You can easily find out the truth. Go online and view phone records.
    I am not sure there are grown men with snapchat. My teens use that.

    If there are passwords and phone cleaning apps, they are there to hide things.
    I would want to know so I could move on with my life. The hardest truth outweighs the lie someone thinks that I want to hear.
    Be strong and get the answers.

  2. anon says:

    liars say things like I’m sorry I’m mistreated you I was not a very nice guy they will never own it and say things like I’m sorry I lied to you

  3. Down the Rabbit Hole says:

    Snapped: the phone records are meaningless. He has tons of calls and texts because of his job. Trying to pinpoint any unknown numbers with lots of traffic is like looking for a needle in the haystack. His snapchat is tied to his Gmail account. My thoughts were the same as yours. I can’t think of one good plausible reason for a man in his 50s to have Snapchat, an app known for sexting and shenanigans. Confronting will do no good. He has never admitted to the one affair I know about and is adept at dodging the truth when he wants to.

  4. Anonymous says:

    I appreciate everyone’s comments and thoughts on my situation and I can identify with each and every one of you. We have all experienced this turmoil that’s reeked havoc on our lives. It’s a strange phenomenon that no one would understand unless they’ve been through it. That’s why we are all still here. Very few of us will have a happy ending. There are too many variables. Down The Rabbit Hole, I just want to let you know that what you’re going through with your husband is what caused my divorce. I wish that I didn’t waste the years that I did believing that he was going to change, not that I loved him so much, but I didn’t want to let go of the marriage and there were children to consider. However I became very familiar with the pattern, he would become so sweet and nice and considerate of me. Would bring home flowers for no reason, but meanwhile had another bouquet in the car, would offer to run out and by me ice cream, so he could call his GF. It was pitiful. But I let him stay until he decided he wasn’t happy anymore. Trust your instincts and get the proof you need.
    And here is my other issue. I’ve become someone who has the potential to destroy someone else’s marriage. At least my ex husbands GFs didn’t know I existed. I know fully well she exists and that she would like me to go away. How can I criticize my ex, when I’m involved with a married man? And our relationship goes much deeper then just an affair.
    I can barely live with myself these days. And the only one who can change this is me.

  5. Down the Rabbit Hole says:

    Anonymous: I can relate to how you’re feeling. After falling deeply in love with FL again, I understood how my husband could also slip. It made it easier to forgive. Unfortunately, it does nothing to mitigate the trust issues, especially when you begin to see patterns of deception. My FL experience is a one and only situation. I had never cheated nor would I have or will I ever again with anyone else. That is the difference I believe between the FLs and serial cheaters. To those looking in from the outside, they would see no difference.

  6. PleaseGodCanIBeWithLL says:

    Willam,
    I am so sorry for your recent losses.

    What you said about those pains not being as bad as FL loss, reminds me of a line in the move “The Fault in Our Stars”

    Talking about rating pain on a scale of 0 to 10, when her true love died, the main character said, “This is my 10.”

  7. Anonymous says:

    Dtrh, you are right, on the outside no one sees the difference. Even my closest friends don’t understand. I didn’t seek this out. Its not about a thrill or sex or ego. I want to stop the way I’m feeling because it hurts. This is not fun.
    William, I’ve wondered myself why he would have contacted me at this exact point in my life. He waited almost a year before getting the courage to message me. If he had contacted me then, or even a few months before, I really dont know how I would have handled it. I was still married, although unhappily, I never cheated, and I’m not sure if I would have carried on a conversation. I would have been definitely thrown though. My husband at the time, always accused me of still being in love with FL because I refused to throw out his letters or pictures of when we were together. Even up to the end of our marriage he accused me. Maybe I should have thrown them out, but seriously after 35 years of being together, why would he think that?
    My sister said that my mother (who adored FL, and hated my husband) sent him as a birthday present to help me get through what was to be and still is, the most difficult times of my life. And he has done that. We discussed in the beginning about our lives and I questioned his marriage, relationship, trust factor and openess with his wife about him being in contact with me. He told me his story and left it up to me to decide if I wanted to continue our conversations. I was so curious I agreed…and told him he would be my distraction. And it worked. For a while. I fought the feelings for a couple of months, but then I saw him on TV doing an interview. I watched him move, speak and mostly his eyes.. I just broke down and couldn’t lie to myself anymore. That was 7 months ago.
    So if this was my mothers idea, was it a joke? I can’t ask her, but at least there was going to be light at the end of the tunnel before. Now…I’m just in a tunnel.

  8. PleaseGodCanIBeWithLL says:

    @Anonymous,

    We might be stuck in tunnels with no end in sight, but just the fact that we’re in tunnels, means we are traveling to somewhere. 🙂

  9. anon says:

    so then anonymous let me get straight, your fl is famous,?

  10. Anonymous says:

    @PleaseGodCanIBeWithLL: True and we never know where it will lead us! Thank you.

    @anon: If FL was famous, then I think I would have seen him before that. No not every one that does an interview on TV is famous. It was for a project that he was involved in.

  11. Down the Rabbit Hole says:

    Anonymous: try to limit the contact with FL if you can. I know, easier said than done. We talk once every couple weeks now and only when he initiates it. It is very brief.too. I expect it to become less and less. My heart is still breaking but I am better able to focus and slowly accepting reality. I think this is his way of letting go. It hurts and I still long to be with him, especially when I continue to have doubts about the integrity of the man I married. My FL contacted me at a time of turmoil in my marriage. I was lonely, tired of begging my husband to spend time at home (he has always been more devoted to work than to me). Then there was the outbursts of contempt to deal with. So like you, it was almost impossible to avoid what happened next.

  12. anon says:

    so then down the rabbit hole and anonymous, I know this is impossible to really know but are you saying that your bad marriages played a role in your feelings for fl. What role do you think a bad marriage plays in your reconnection with fl ?

  13. Down the Rabbit Hole says:

    anon: the feelings for my FL were there regardless of the state of my marriage. All I’m saying is that circumstances made it much more likely to act upon them. Doesn’t change the fact there is a strong connection there and always will be.

  14. anon says:

    right but if your marriage you might not have acted on that connection. The connection is always there its our choice wheather to act on them.

  15. Anonymous says:

    Down the Rabbit Hole: I’ve tried limiting the contact a few times and there are days when we might only speak 2 or 3 times, but it doesn’t last. I’ve tried to even tried to stop the conversations, saying that it wasn’t good for either of us to be involved in each other’s lives, as I said I’m interfering in his marriage. I talk about it but can never go through with it. I’m hoping though over the next month or so I’ll be so busy with moving that I won’t have time for too much contact, maybe once a day, and lessen as time goes…. I have to do something. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you.

    Anon: I married my husband 10 years after I broke up with FL. I married him because it was time and I wanted a family. My husband and I got along very well at the time and I though he was a good choice for my life at the time. However I never had the connection with him, or anyone else for that matter like I did with FL. My feelings for FL never left, they were just pushed deep inside my soul so I could try and live a normal and productive life. Talking to him again brought out what was inside of me for so long. There is a level of intimacy that I’ve only been able to reach with him, never anyone else.
    My bad marriage did not play a role in my in my feelings for FL.

  16. On Trial says:

    Is it just me or does it seem like someone is on trial here?

    DTRH, you are correct. It’s inevitable and ongoing and these relationships don’t go away because we regret that they went away the first time. We hold on to the idea of them because we don’t want to give up hope again.

    Dr. Rob Edit: No real names.

  17. Have Faith says:

    I’m not sure who is supposed to be on trial. I think a discussion where people have varying veiwpoints is not a trial.

    As for bad marriages playing a part in connecting with a FL- I think a bad marriage does make reconnection more likely because you are missing that love and connection with your spouse If you are satisfied with your marriage then you dont have an emotional void that needs to be filled. When emptiness exists then there is a need to fill that emptiness.

  18. Bird Land says:

    The one who doesn’t use capitals or punctuation has long been an adjudicator espousing values, or lack thereof, for those of us here that are married or have married FL’s.
    Continually asking the same questions over and over about our marriages and how they play into the FL romance and how we feel, guilty or not, etc. That’s what the statement on trial means Have Faith.
    No matter how many times it’s addressed, each person’s journey being different here and the reasons different and yet so similar, no matter how many times we say it, explain it, get it out in the open –the one without capacity to punctuate continues to obsess about the sanctity of marriage.
    All banded together here and going to concerts with first loves, being recontacted by them years later and panicking to stop all contact still keeps them here too and being married too.
    It’s like that old euphemism someone has written about before–the old dead rabbit in the cereal box thing…it gets old very quick and people get tired of seeing it laying there.

  19. forever says:

    Everyone is different, every situation with FL is not the same. I have a very good marriage. When FL contacted me, I told my spouse, he knew about him from long ago before we married.

    FL and I did not split up, our families stepped in, we were too young.

    I have heard of other stories like mine, we were very young. I will always love him.

    No one should judge

    All marriages are different and all FL situations are different.

  20. Have Faith says:

    Bird land
    The one without capitals is not the same person who previously wrotr in that same style I believe. She is not usiing the same name anyways. It sounds like someone imitating her. However it doesnt matter…just because someone has a different opinion doesnt make it a trial. I dont agree with the no punctuation person either but she is free to have her own opinions.

  21. Not hard to use . says:

    Dr. Rob Edit: Unnecessary.

  22. chickadee says:

    Dr. Rob Edit: Sigh. Please stop.

  23. I believe in magical romance says:

    Well it just happened to me and I’m 50 years old I never stopped thinking about my first love, we got separated and we never got to finish our love we had for each other, I just got off the phone with him and he still loves me and I still love him, he wants to see me and we’re a state away…love is beautiful…

  24. Down the Rabbit Hole says:

    Good luck to you I Believe. If neither of you are married the odds are on your side. I’m starting to wonder if our separations from FLs at an early age prevented the mistakes we all make in marriages from tainting our FL relationships. Having a second chance later in life provides an incredible opportunity to get it right and to truly cherish one another. I know had I married FL when I had the chance, I wasn’t mature enough to have been a good partner. That is the only solace I have in this situation.

  25. TrixieGirl says:

    I’m in this situation right now. FL and i dated for 6 months in university and after a colossal misunderstanding the relationship ended. It was intensely sexual on top of it being an incredible personality match. After 14 years I contacted him on facebook, back in 2007 when it was just getting going and it was exciting to find all your old friends. We chit chatted a bit over the next 8 years but nothing monumental. We discovered we still got along famously, and shared the same sense of humour. I am married and have two children with my husband of 20 years and he with his partner for 13 and he has a step son. For whatever reason, a stray comment about attraction was made in one of our facebook chats in fall of 2015. It started a slow avalanche of confession: how we had misunderstood each other and the reason for breaking up; how we had always all this time thought of the other person as “the one that got away”; how we felt a connection that we never felt with anyone else.

    I’m not at all ashamed nor feel bad about my feelings. They are my feelings and no different than I’ve always felt, just now they are known to him and his to me. He is very centered on his family and even though we talk on a daily basis – and not always just g-rated chat – and have met up once as a friendly meeting and once of a sexual nature, his family comes first and so does mine.

    I’ll admit it’s difficult – hard to have these intense feelings that I can’t do much about. But I have no intention of ending things, though I suspect it would be better and easier if we try to keep it completely online. I know there’s a lot of shame put on people like me and I’m speaking up to say it doesn’t always end in destruction, but in my case it’s turning into a fantastic friendship. It just takes time and some adjustment. But sometimes turning away from that first love is just an error all around. Hang in there.

  26. Singlepringle says:

    I am about to meet up with my FL for the first time in 19 years. We were teenagers and my parents (and other factors) caused our relationship to end. We are both single and have our own children. He lives in France now and I’m in the uk still. The sexual chemistry is still very much there. Nervous and don’t know what to expect?
    I know that he is unable to live in UK (work commitments) and I am unable to move abroad (disabled son). So while we have arrangements to spend time at each other’s homes over the next couple of weeks, I’m trying to keep in mind it can never be serious again.
    Nervous but excited.

  27. PleaseGodCanIBeWithLL says:

    Anyone ever been reconnected with their FL/LL and and then have them suddenly go NC?

    My LL has always been sporadic with the time between messages, but now he won’t even read my messages. About a month ago I sent him an I love you message and he questioned me about it, which led to our last online chat. (He had admitted back in the fall that he loves me, but I love yous are not something he and I say freely). I was being pretty emotional and needy in that chat. In that chat he sent me a pic of himself in his suit from 20 years ago (when we were together) that still fits him! He wanted me to send him a pic of me. I said nope, too fat, won’t send him a pic. He said no pressure whenever you are ready. But asked why am I embarrassed. Said because I know how he and his brother feel about fat chicks. lol He said he is over all that perfect model crap. I have several profile pics that he can see but they are all “head shots”. Anyway, we chatted some more and he kept joking/flirting about me sending him a pic. Chat ended with him making a reference to a very special moment he and I had shared when we were together and that he was now going to go to bed with “no satisfaction…..hate you” (When we were together he used to tell me he hated me because he loved me so much).

    And after he logged off of chat I sent him a message basically re-explaining my I love you message and my worries about the whole situation.

    That weekend I was hanging out with my BFF and we did a photoshoot of me with her cell phone and iPad. I used her phone to take my first selfie with a cell phone and it turned out really good, made me look cute and thin lol. I used the trick the young girls use where they hold the phone above themselves. lol I sent him that pic. He opened that message. It was just the pic and no text.

    Two days later I send him a message and told him about the photoshoot my friend and I did that the selfie was the best of the bunch but I would send him some others so he could get the “big picture” pun intended of what I look like. Well that was the message he didn’t read. I was waiting for it to be marked as “seen” so then I would send him the other pics. Didn’t want to send a bunch of pics out of the blue. So he didn’t read that message which has never happened before. Two days later I sent him another message and figured he would only see the beginning of the first line if he didn’t click into the message. So I had to make those few words count. I apologize for the I love yous and how it was inappropriate of me to say that given our current situations (me married, him with live-in GF of 18 years, his rebound girl after me.

    Anyway if you have read this far, thank you. It is driving me crazy not knowing why he suddenly is ignoring me. I am thinking because I was too needy and emotional and he can’t handle that and the fun and games are over, sh1t just got real and so he bolted. He knows I will see he didn’t read the messages and is doing that to push me away, because that is easier than saying get lost you psycho. lol

    Hurts like hell.

  28. Anonymous says:

    Maybe he just got too busy or is out of town and didnt check his messages.

    Dr. Rob Edit: Too busy to push a singular button on his phone? Let’s try a little harder to help this person out…

  29. No Contact says:

    There are a lot of reasons people (especially married or taken ones) go into no contact. Guilt, fear of discovery, fear of getting too close and making the situation harder for both of you.
    My first thought was maybe something happened to him. Is he still posting on his FB? Do you have access to work email?
    I would figure out another way to contact him.
    Maybe he deleted you from his messenger app so that it wouldn’t pop open with a message at the wrong time or maybe he decided it was too risky to leave it open and decided to not log back in.
    I’m sorry you are hurting. No contact and especially no contact without explanation is the hardest thing to process in our hearts. Especially when they expressed previously that they feel the same way.

  30. PleaseGodCanIBeWithLL says:

    Thanks, Dr. Rob!

    LL has been active on FB, so I know he is ok. H and his GF both know that we communicate, so if he did delete me or blocked me it isn’t for fear of being found out.

    I can understand not responding to messages, but not reading them, feels like a huge punch in the gut, like he doesn’t even respect me enough to read them.

  31. Up&Down says:

    Please God, I find these relationships with our FLs can make us feel, at their best, the most secure we have ever felt and, at their worst, the most vulnerable and rejected. We trust these people because they have known us for so long and so well and that makes their silence so cutting a hurtful. I think most of us here have experienced some periods of unexplained no contact and it hurts. It could be that the picture you sent and he opened brought up too many feelings for him and he has had to step away for a while.

    No Contact is right, there are so many reasons they can go silent, especially when they are involved with someone else. Just try not to feel that his no contact is your fault, it isn’t. He asked for a picture and you obliged. You didn’t do anything wrong. I am so sorry you are hurting but I truly believe these relationships are powerful and sometimes that power can be frightening. Try to be patient.

  32. Don't Do It says:

    Please God,

    I’m sorry that your LL has gone silent. It does happen and the worst part (anyway for me) has been the fear that it will become a permanent silence. Scary as heck. I also know that your LL has said before that he will disappear if things get to be “too much.” That is still sitting there in the back (or front) of your mind.

    As Up and Down and No Contact said, there are so many reasons that they go silent. Having been the one who has initiated a couple no contacts, I know that they were the result of overwhelming hopelessness about the situation. There really are times when the heart cannot bear the relentless ups and downs of the situation and a time out is needed. I also know that my FL initiated at least two no contacts because he was worried about me not himself.

    I do think that your LL could give you some kind of discussion about his disappearance. I’ve been plenty mad and hurt about no contacts but we have always discussed the reasons before hand and even the amount of time that we would be out of contact. I wish he would give you that much so that you could stop having to run through the hundred whys over and over again in your head.

    When did you send the message that he hasn’t opened? Did you say he can see the subject without opening the message? What do you think about just sending a subject that says “answers please?” (or something like that)?

    I know that is scary in itself because another unopened message could be devastating.

    Another thing that may help is to give yourself a date, maybe six weeks from now. Tell yourself if you don’t hear from him by then you will send the “answers please” message. That way you aren’t thinking it’s really permanent right now and you can move it to the back burner as much as possible for a while.

  33. Down the Rabbit Hole says:

    Please God: My FL went NC for for several months after his wife discovered we were beyond just friends. I thought it was permanent and went though a long grieving period. Just when I thought I could finally get through it, he contacted me out of the blue. I was very angry until he explained he had no chance whatsoever to talk because his wife watched his every move. He was away from home for work and just wanted me to know he was ok and worried about how I was. Perhaps you FL’s girlfriend issued an ultimatum and FL is trying to abide by it.

    Now I hear from FL every couple weeks, just a quick text. I can almost guarantee that your FL will contact you again. These connections and feelings are almost impossible to ignore.

  34. Have Faith says:

    Please God

    It’s possible that his gf saw the pictures you sent and started questioning him about them, and he has decided to not respond for a while. You will know if he has blocked you on FB because a message will appear saying you cannot reply to this conversation. You will see the same message if you block another account yourself.

    Have you tried changing your profile picture to one of your new pictures and see if there is any response from him? He may not be ignoring you, but just not responding to private messages, especially if his gf has made some comments about it.

    I agree that it’s almost guaranteed that he will contact you again. I doubt he would just stop talking to you without an explanation.

  35. PleaseGodCanIBeWithL says:

    Don’t Do It,

    He didn’t read my messages from April 25th and 27th. So just about a month now. We use FB messenger so I think he can see the first few words without clicking into the message. I like your idea of giving myself a time to wait and then send a simple short few word message. I think just sending a few question marks would suffice. Lol. My biggest fear is that this NC will be permanent. We’ve had several in our history initiated by him and I’ve always been the one to break them. We broke up in 97, reconnected briefly in 99 because of mutual friends’ wedding, he stopped committing and I didn’t contact him until 2001 to tell him I was officially diagnosed with OCD and was getting treatment. Didn’t hear from him after that until I contacted him in late 2012. That lasted until early 2013 when he abruptly stopped communicating. This reconnect started because I sent him a 40th birthday message in 2014. And throughout this reconnect, he will go periods of time where he doesn’t reply to my messages. So I guess I am lucky this reconnect has lasted as long as it has. This NC feels different because he is actively ignoring me and not reading messages. It feels like he is gone for good. I feel like maybe I should just let him go his own way, because it is obvious that either he can’t handle all this or he is not “into it” as deep as I am. I just want to know if I annoyed him by being needy or if it was something else. How can I not blame myself? It was obviously something I did that triggered this.

    I keep reminding myself that he also has his own anxiety issues and struggles with alcohol too. His shutting down/pushing me away might be his coping mechanism for his own survival and not be a way to purposely hurt me.

    I hadn’t thought that his GF could have issued an ultimatum. If my H did that to me, I would be sure to tell LL that we had to end things. It isn’t fair to leave someone hanging. I know guys tend to deal with this type of stuff differently, and emotional stuff sometimes makes them run for the hills. Doesn’t make it hurt less.

    I appreciate all of you guys for listening and offering your opinions.

  36. twice shy says:

    DTRH, you and I have a similar story, my FL’s wife found out about our communication and I didn’t hear from him for 6+ months.

    I really thought I would never hear from him again, I was heartbroken and felt terrible and guilty for causing him problems in his relationship. He has young kids he is totally devoted to, so there is no option for us to be together.

    but I did hear from him eventually, and you will too Please God.

  37. Don't Do It says:

    Please God,

    You said you’ve had several no contacts. But, on the bright side, none of them were permanent. (Since you did talk to him again)

    I don’t think this one will be either. I know sitting where you are the fear takes over. I hate that. The fear that they could actually just disappear. But, he’s still your friend on Facebook. If he really wanted to disappear, it’s as easy as unfriending you. Your only communication has been through Facebook, hasn’t it? Do you have his phone number? Just wondering not advising any text or phone call right now.

    Not sure about the ultimatum from the GF. I would think if that happened she would not “allow” the friends on Facebook. My personal opinion is he’s worried that you are expecting more out of him than he feels he can give you. I’ve had those exact words said to me before a no contact. It made my FL feel gallant for saving me from us. But, it’s a cop out. Especially if he can’t even have the discussion and let you express your thoughts on the subject.

    But, what can you do besides wait it out and give him time to settle down.

    You’ve contacted him after no contacts before and he’s been happy to hear from you. I would keep that in mind and give yourself that date that you will reach out again.

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