Reuniting With Your First Love…on the Net

They say that you never forget your first love. And with the exception of yours truly, who would rather stick his tongue in a bear trap than even think about his high school girlfriend, many look back on their first romances with fond feelings. Although not everyone thinks of that relationship for more than a passing moment or so, some must wonder what it would be like to rekindle the romance they had when they were teenagers or college-aged.

Suppose for a minute that you could. What would that be like?

As of 2003, Dr. Nancy Kalish had studied over 2,000 “lost love” relationships. She said that three-quarters of first loves who reunite years later decide to stay together, even when the reunion begins as an adulterous affair. Normally, most marriages that begin as affairs terminate. How are these people reconnecting and why would the relationship work at a later date?

The web, of course, is where most of these meetings begin. When Dr. Kalish was doing her research in the early 2000′s, the most popular site for finding people from the past was At that time, the site found that 36 percent of respondents had used the net to look up or contact a former significant other. And Dr. Kalish stated in an interview with the Boston Globe that while many people begin their search as simple curiosity, affairs can escalate quickly *. The interviewer, Carey Goldberg, noted an anonymous respondent from Dr. Kalish’s research to highlight this point:

“It’s like you’re falling in love all over again,” she said. Her first boyfriend found her on the web, and before she knew it, she was obsessed, and then lying to her husband, and then sexually unfaithful, and then caught by her husband – who, to her continuing gratitude, stuck with her instead of divorcing her.

Dr. Kalish brings up a very interesting point: “therapists tend to underestimate the powerful nature of such old loves, especially first loves. As a result, they tend to tell such patients that their feelings for their re-found loves are based on fantasy and that they can find the same feelings in their own marriages if they only try. But that fails to take into account that reunited lovers really do know and love each other, and a first love, in particular, remains unique. This is not about sex, it is not about the spouse or the marriage, it is not a midlife crisis,” she said. “The reunion is a continuation of a love that was interrupted.”

Carey Goldberg notes some research indicates that a teenager may attach specifically to a first lover in much the same way as a baby attaches to a mother. This hypothesis was given by Dr. Linda Waud, a Psychologist who wrote her dissertation on three reunited couples.

“There is an actual neurological attachment that happens between these individuals,” she said, “and that’s why it’s enduring and it never leaves your mind. It’s there forever and ever.” Interestingly, Dr. Waud herself reconnected with a long-lost love after 35 years apart.

In her in-depth interviews of the three couples, she noted that they had unusually intense sexual connections, which made her posit that sexual attachment may work with the same kind of specificity as baby-mother attachment.

Although a dissertation with only three couples makes generalization extremely difficult, she is onto something. I’ve made the very mistake that Dr. Kalish pointed out: that the former love is simply a fantasy and that one’s current relationship can satisfy this new need. And this is coming from someone who is not only a product of divorce, but someone who also spends most of his days thinking about why marriages fail, so I obviously thought I had some weight behind my advice. After I was wrong not once but three times with clients who ultimately chose to leave their marriage for their high school sweethearts, I had to rethink my position. There’s a possibility for a permanent footprint in your brain when it comes to your first love.
What does this mean for current relationships? With Facebook now in complete control of the human race, more and more people are reconnecting. Many will get back in touch with old flames, possibly their very first romance. Depending on how those conversations go – and yes, of course many of them will be simple hello’s and good-bye’s – casual chat may turn into flirtation, then a discussion about status and availability. And when the relationship moves from Facebook to IM to text to telephone and then to personal contact, the attachment that Dr. Waud talks about has perhaps manifested itself in a true rekindling of the romance, with much more backing than any affair could produce. For some, decisions will need to be made. If married, do I leave for what might be really ‘the one?’ Or do I stay and honor what I’ve agreed to while relinquishing what my mind had perhaps bonded to years ago?

Unfortunately I don’t have the answer to that question and I’m pretty sure that we could get a 50/50 breakdown if we asked enough people. Every person in this spot will need to answer it, however. And from what I’ve seen in my practice, it’s an agonizing choice, especially when the current relationship is at least somewhat satisfying. So essentially I’m along for the ride as people decide what is in their best interests as well as the other parties involved. This can take months, perhaps years, to weigh out the pros and cons, the practical and emotional changes involved in life-altering decisions like these, the risks involved in making the ‘wrong’ choice. In other words, watching a client grapple with a problem like this is very difficult to watch. Even if you think you know the right choice, you can’t give it to the client. He or she truly has to come to it via the self. It can’t be spoon fed. Some will leave their families and begin new lives with a former love, usually with a large amount of guilt. Others will stay put and feel that permanent imprint tugging at them. Either way, it’s not a particularly envious position in which to be.

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* I’d link to this specific article, written by Carey Goldberg, but it’s archived and you have to pay to read it. Hit up if my piece doesn’t summarize it sufficiently for you or if you don’t mind spending the fee.

Related Post: Reuniting With Your First Love…On the Net (Revisited)

Update (11/20/13): I’m not sure if this is of interest to anyone, but I received this solicitation and agreed to post it. Consider it useful until early December, 2013:

Now Casting: People Looking For Missed Love Connections!

Do you believe that your one true love is actually someone from your past? Do you often think about “what could have been” with an old flame? Or perhaps someone that you met and felt the timing was off, but could have blossomed under different circumstances? Do you dream of reuniting with a high school or college boyfriend or girlfriend, but don’t know where to find them? Was there a person that you had a steamy vacation tryst with, but have never been able to track down?

If so, we want to hear from you! A major production company is casting for people who dream of working with an expert to make a love (re)connection with someone from their past. To learn more or refer a friend, please email us at and a Casting Producer will be in touch ASAP.

7,386 Responses to “Reuniting With Your First Love…on the Net”

  1. skeptic/sketch says:

    PD: BIG HUGS!! And lay your head upon my metaphorical shoulder and cry.. if it makes you feel any better. :-( Year anniversaries are hard, I know that! When something or “someone” ends I always think at a week.. “wow, last week at this time…..” then at a month.. “… last month at this time…” and the next big one is a year.. I still remember the year anniversary of when my “reconnection” with FL ended.. I was sitting on the boardwalk with my sisters staring at the waves and people going by… talking about silly stuff mostly.. and they had no clue I was hurting – wish I’d had a metaphorical shoulder to lay my head on back then! It did help being with them… and the ocean always seems to soothe me somehow – but I wish I’d known of this place back then! So it’s a year for your cancer scare, too? You may have mentioned it before, but I don’t recollect that at the moment. You ARE cancer-free, right? That’s a good thing for a year anniversary! Conentrate on that, OK? The other stuff you were talking about, like having a friend get you a pic of “friend” and all the things you deduced from the pictures – well, I have to say pictures can tell a story – but if you showed them to different people, they’d tell a different story, ya know? I’m not sure if everything you see is as it really is or just your “feeling” it’s that way? It’s kind of like a song.. (which brings me to William and his Youtube referral about the comments on songs…) Lyrics are so important in a song, and some are just ambiguous enough to mean so many different things to different people.. it depends on what’s going on in your life – right then, or something from the past, like most of our stories here! Those comments about songs remind me of your deductions from those pics, PD… I think you see maybe what you fear to be true – you, in those pictures – and those people who comment on the Youtube songs! I remember talking to my FL about that, as we shared sooooo many songs and lyrics – that was pretty much what brought us together, or rather kept us talking, anyway!? He found my Achilles heel – music and lyrics – and he went with it.. Before I knew it, I was all caught up in a fairy tale of “what might have been” thinking maybe it was really “what could be” – but it wasn’t, in the end – it WAS just us dreaming and living through those lyrics a past we wished we could have shared. BUT… what I was saying to him about songs and lyrics is that we each find what we need in a song… and sometimes the person who wrote it meant nothing like what you interpret!? Sooooo… I don’t know if that was the best comparison, now that I think of it.. LOL! But still, what you saw in his eyes and the deductions you came to from that.. well, it DID make you assume that he’d have done the same if you’d have ended up together. And you DO need to feel that in your heart to make it easier to know that you two just weren’t meant to be – just like me and my FL.. and perhaps a lot of others on here!?

    Wow, I’m almost catching up to you on the size of my posts, aren’t I, PD?? ;-) We are two of a kind in that respect!

  2. WILLIAM says:

    Hey guys, I’m trying to tell my story…but the rough draft is extremely long. I wanted to include all the little things from our youth, but maybe I need to re-evaluate. I’ll write it all out, then decide what to post. Just wanted to update you all that I am trying…and still not close to being finished!

  3. Angela says:


    I have read every post through end of June. I have been so enthralled with your story that I am compelled to post my opinion FWIW. First, I was flabbergasted, shocked, and sickened to hear your current wife trapped you into marrying her.

    You were heart broken and vulnerable. Young and foolish. She came to your house and with no courting and threw herself at you, giving herself up without you pursuing her. This is not a good sign…at all.

    You thinking you are safe…she’s on the pill, right? So you takes the release. Your a young guy, and for men sex doesn’t have anything to do with love. It’s just way better when there is love. Then…she tells you she is pregnant????!!! OMG!!!

    You being moral and ethical does what you think is honorable and you marry her. What choice did you really have here? Then she has another kid. Was this one planned or another “surprise” to fix the marriage, or keep you in it? Now She is sad because she needs you to fawn over, be head over heels in love with her …knowing she trapped you? This is so dysfunctional..and she scares me.

    In my humble opinion your wife has a very, very low character. No self respect. She forced you into a “last-night stand”..and you have been honest about you LL. No wonder you cannot love her, she is very manipulative…and has zero self respect. It must be exhausting to be with her. She is competing with your LL…and she plays dirty. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh. Having a baby is not something that should be forced on anyone. Ever. No exception.

    As for your LL…I think she is of good moral character and has repeatedly demonstrated that. For one, She wasn’t going to be with a man that didn’t woo her and prove it over the long term. She was young and stubborn, like you …and she made some mistakes. You guys broke up. Maybe she was overwhelmed. But in no time…you were expecting a baby! For any woman that is…Game over.

    Imagine how upset you were to see your LL was pregnant …years into her marriage, and after you had two kid. Now multiply it times a thousand! It was a hot minute…and you were having a baby. I can see why LL believed you never cared because… You moved on way too fast and you concreted it with a family.

    If I were your LL…I would feel played, because who agrees to have unprotected sex and risk making a baby with someone they don’t love? Take it a step further, and what kind of guy would want to knock up one women and pursue another? A player.

    Wouldn’t it be Incomprehensible to LL (and most women) that a women would actually trap a guy, like this. Who does this? It would not even be a consideration for most women.

    And, your LL further supported she is moral by being unwilling to engage with you, and break up your family or betray her husband. She would have to sink pretty low on the devious manipulating latter…and it’s not in her. Not me, and not any gal I’m my circle. Home-wreckers are almost as bad as women that trap a guy…almost. In my humble opinion.

    I believe character is everything. EVERYTHING. You have proven yours …because you have sacrificed years of your life for someone that has demonstrated to have no values. But she takes and takes…knowing it is killing you. For you, how can you love someone that ruined the happiness you deserved by guilt tripping you with the very baby she trapped you with? I’m sorry …to me it’s sick. No wonder you are in knots…you are an abused guy. To cope you have given yourself two no-win options. Both end the same, in misery. Your LL… and the women that trapped you into marrying her.

    I think there is a 3rd option…and that is taking back your life back. Stop pretending you weren’t manipulated and trapped. You can still be a great dad…and a genuinely happy one. Trust me. You current wife will always try to guilt trip and manipulate you…using your children, but once you see it for what it is, it won’t work.

    You can’t fix your ex, and I don’t think she can be saved if what you say is true. But you can fix you. Besides, no genuine love (including LL) that is worth having would break up a family. Free yourself and get free so you can find the happiness you deserve ..inside yourself and outside. Sorry if I’m off base, but your story really hit me. And I know many won’t agree…particularly Stacie. Blast me, but I too am blunt.

  4. Angela says:

    Adding a correction… Adam I read your posts through sept, not July.

  5. WILLIAM says:

    Here is my tale. My situation is very unique in that the stage is set WAY EARLIER than most of you, I’m guessing. In fact, some may question whether I really was able to feel “love” early on (as opposed to infatuation, or a crush fueled by nostalgia, etc). While I don’t know exactly when my initially physical attraction (childhood crush/infatuation) crossed into the realm of “being in love”, I do know that certain memories of/feelings for FL were a bit off the typical grid. It’s almost like I was predestined to love her, like her name is tattooed to my soul or something. I’ve been enamored with her nearly as long as my photographic memory has been able to serve me. So bear with me and my grade school stuff as I take you WAY, WAY BACK in Pt.1:

    My story begins with the start of a new school year, and I am early for once with a book in hand…ready for 1st grade. Hardly anyone is there yet, but I notice the name tag of a name I liked, and that desk will soon be filled by a very special person (FL). I had my first “girlfriend” briefly that school year, when the then-cutest girl in the class (I’ll call her 1A) came up and told me that I was her boyfriend (for whatever reason). FL was just another cute girl that year, but in 2nd grade they did something with her hair…and, voila! I have not been the same since! In Kindergarten and 1st grade, I was excited to see MY picture when class photos were handed out. But in 2nd grade, I was excited for class photos…just to see HER picture!

    I’m not sure at one point I definitively fell “in love” with her. But there is absolutely no doubt that I fell deeply in love by/during our 9th grade year. Prior to that, it’s anyone’s guess. And I had a pretty normal childhood, IMO. I liked and had crushes on different girls, and even went through periods where I didn’t really like girls at all, and wanted to beat them up! (LOL) Ahhh, but there was always that one constant, that one person who is the “mascot” of the happiest years of my life, the one person who I could never stop liking/caring about/then loving…the one that I probably fell in love with at age 7 (OK, maybe it was just infatuation)…the one that I will still be in love with at age 107, 207 and 1007…

    OK, let’s get back to 3rd grade, where I liked 3 girls (1A, 1B, FL) most especially in my class. FL still stood out for me, and when my mother announced she needed to go to FL’s mother’s house to work on some PTA stuff, I just froze, my eyes got wide and I begged to go! After school each day, I normally went to my room and played with toys. But NO TOYS came out on that day…I just waited in my room within earshot, occasionally reminding my mother not to forget me! And then when we got there…I can still remember our mothers talking in front of the house. I was waiting right by the curb, and then FL came out, like a “vision”…and I proceeded to try to impress her by leaping over the door and in and out of our Mustang convertible for what seemed like half an hour (but was probably no more than 15 min)…SO SMOOTH I WAS (NOT) !!! But I think I decided right then and there that I would definitely marry FL when I grew up!

    Then that summer, as I am watching our town’s big 4th of July parade on Main St , I happen to look across the street at this very pretty little blonde who is gathering candy being thrown from the vehicles. I am instantly smitten…then realize it is FL! (LOL) I must’ve missed her so much after seeing her then (with school being out), that I looked for her everywhere in town for awhile (even in church). And when the school year started, I asked her about that, saying “I never see you in church…do you go to (my) church?” (I thought everyone was the same faith back then, LOL) Anyway, my question seemed to hit a nerve with her (different faith), and for the first time I got the notion that we might not be meant for each other (unfortunately that proved to be prophetic).

    Oh well, on to 4th grade, and now we aren’t supposed to like girls. In fact, me and my “gang” have a bet going, where the losers must kiss a certain pre-picked girl. The fellas seem to have decided on a cute-but-non-intimidating girl beforehand, one who is like “one of the guys”. I plead my case for FL to no avail, rationalizing that if I have to lose a bet and kiss a girl (YUK!), then it might as well be FL! (oh the horror!)

    Ahhh, 5th grade, and now the boys are doing a “flip-flop” concerning girls. In fact, people are actually beginning to pair up as couples. I don’t have the guts to pair up with anyone, and kind of like 4 girls [2 who I mentioned from earlier (1A, 1B), another who‘ll play a role later (MG), and FL]. But while I don’t have the nerve to do anything, for some reason I am FRIGHTENED by the thought of FL possibly pairing up with a friend/rival. So I take a look around the class and start teasing her about/set her up with a cute little non-threatening boy! LOL. They go on to be “our class couple” in 6th grade (last year before middle school), yet I am not really bothered by this…after all, I set her up with him since I thought he was “safe”! LOL.

    BTW, in the fall of my 6th grade year, I play my first year of organized football. FL is a cheerleader for another team in the league, but I seem to try extra hard to get my name announced when we are playing them! (I wonder why?)

    Speaking of 6th grade, yet another thing happens which illustrates these special/underlying/off-the-grid types of feelings that I have basically always had for FL. We are playing “spin the bottle” on the playground, and somehow I’m involved in a circle with my top 3 favorite girls: 1A (aforementioned, now you know why I called her this from way back), my then-top-choice, the most popular/desired girl in school…1B (also an aforementioned crush from way back, families are close)…1C/FL (yes, FL was actually my 3rd choice at that time in this circle! Or so I thought…). Anyway, I spin the bottle. It lands on 1C/FL. For a split millisecond, I am disappointed that it wasn’t 1A or 1B. But I get to kiss FL…my first-ever “real” kiss! And in my mind both then and later, I keep thinking: “I don’t know why, but I’m really glad it was FL.” I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but “I’m sure glad it was her.”

    Fast forward through 7th and 8th grade, and I’m pretty much a happy kid, adjusting well to middle school at our small town HS (same building). During that time frame, I am interested in a lot of older, mostly unattainable girls, as well as 1B, MG and FL most especially from my grade (1A kind of became “too popular” for anyone in my grade by that time). I share a lot of classes with FL, though, and even things like Gym Class and School Band. We also have our inaugural 7th and 8th grade dances, and though I get to dance with FL once each time, she always has plenty of guys waiting in line to dance with her. As an aside, I also overhear FL tell some other girls that what she loves in a guy is a nice smile. This freaks me out since I am self-conscious about mine…so I go on to practice my smile in front of a mirror for a week! (no lie) Plus, I actually get a very unique, jealous feeling that only reoccurs many years (decades) later when I see her spouse (how do you explain that?). It’s like I am very jealous of someone she hasn’t even met yet! (probably a sign)

    Now we can kind of “cut to the chase” (finally). It is the summer before 9th grade, and girls my age are really beginning to blossom. 1B has become quite the hottie, and we spend some time together since our families are fairly close. I believe I am falling in love with her, and I truly am (just not nearly as deep as with you-know-who). However, 1B’s family announces that they are moving a few hours away, back to her father’s hometown. I am devastated. I think “what am I gonna do without 1B”…and at that time, I actually believe she is my first choice. I don’t even want to go to school anymore. But then a funny thing happened…school starts, and I looked across the room that very first day…and there she was, the most beautiful CREATURE that I had ever seen! It was FL…and she was in ALL MY CLASSES! (I thought that was such a stroke of luck at that time…but in hindsight…) My mental note to self that first day was “well, 1B moved away…maybe this means I can finally just concentrate on FL!” It was as if I FINALLY REALIZED what I should have known/kinda knew all along. Now I was beginning to understand what all of those underlying special feelings were all about. And while FL was extremely beautiful in a very wholesome kind of way, she was not as well-built/flashy as some of the other girls were…but to me, she was perfection! As I looked across the room at her, I felt the deepest feeling that I’ve ever had in my life. I didn’t know how to explain it or just where it came from, but I knew right then that I’d love her forever…whatever that meant. And I fell in love with her day-after-day, yes, daily as I’d do things like yell a nickname at her and she’d slowly turn around to acknowledge it EVERY TIME without fail (it was our “thing”). I also felt this unexplained urge to protect her and do everything in my power to give her the world (if it were only mine to give). But I also felt this “weight of the world” type of pressure on my shoulders, which was tough to deal with for a kid whose anxiety issues were beginning to come to the forefront after puberty…

    Anyway, FL gets her first “real” boyfriend in the fall of that year (same grade as us), and it absolutely kills me seeing them together. But then they break up, and FL starts dating a long-time family friend (also a 9th grader) through the winter. I am not as bothered by this, since I have no guts to make a move on her…and I figure that at least I can see her around if she’s with a family friend! But then they break up, and I just keep on teasing FL and joking around with her in all my classes, just as I had done all year long. Until one time late in the day in the spring of that 9th grade year, when my neighbor and friend who secretly liked me became the “messenger girl” (why I called her MG before) for FL…and asked me in private if I liked her! Now I thought that this couldn’t be…maybe MG just wanted to know for herself. Did I like FL? DID I !!! Why, of course, I LOVE FL! I’M GOING TO MARRY FL ONE DAY! (But I wasn’t ready for this next step just yet, a few things had zapped my confidence…and I was afraid of blowing what might be the only chance at my dream girl.) So what did I say to MG? Well, I shrugged my shoulders and said “Naaaahhh”…then I was about to explain but she wouldn’t let me. It’s like she got all the info she needed (especially secretly liking me). And so I went home that night just wondering. Could FL actually like me? If so, did I just say something stupid and play it all wrong?

    Well, when I got to school the next day I got my answer. FL was just looking straight ahead and down, not engaging me in any conversation like she normally did. Almost trying to ignore me. And so it hit me, she might really have been interested IN ME. My absolute dream girl !!! All that teasing of her and knocking myself out to get her attention finally worked! So I tried to backtrack and get things back to normal, acting like nothing ever happened…trying to get her to (even expecting her to) be able to read my mind. It was late in the school year, so we had testing and stuff…not enough time for much interaction. And then right before the end of the school year, FL DROPPED A BOMB ON ME, announcing that her family was moving to the next town. This family that had been generational pillars of the community was actually leaving? First 1B and now FL. But hey, she’ll still be fairly close…and I urged and urged that we should keep in touch/get together. So then when it was time to sign each others yearbooks, I thought I had conveyed enough hidden info. Maybe she had figured out that I was just scared when MG asked for her. Then came THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE that last week of school: The day FL signed my 9th grade school yearbook. She only wrote about 4 or 5 lines, but it seemed like she wrote pages. What she said in those 4 or 5 lines convinced me she might actually LOVE me, and that was enough. Later on, when I really thought about it, I realized those lines could have also meant “goodbye friend” and “good luck“…but I didn’t want to think of that.

    And so then I went home for the summer, feeling the best that I had all year at that point, actually. See, 9th grade had been a very tough year adjustment-wise. Up until that time I felt confident and “knew where I stood” in school and life. But with 9th grade that all changed, and I wasn‘t fitting in like before. In fact, the ONLY REASON I SHOWED UP to school day after day was because I had the most beautiful girl on the planet (FL) in each of my classes. And with what transpired toward the end of the year, I felt that FL might actually have the same feelings for me that I had about her. Also, since her previous two boyfriends shared my faith, I thought that religion might not be as big of an underlying barrier as before. So I went home thinking “I don’t care about the religious differences, I’m going to marry that girl!” And I also prayed about a love interest for THE ONLY TIME IN MY LIFE. I said “Lord, I love her so much, I just want her to be happy. I don’t care about myself.” [It turns out my prayer was answered, but not in the way I intended it, with me as her spouse.]

    Like it was “yesterday”, I still remember coming home on the last day of school, feeling relieved with finals being over, feeling great about the prospects with FL (and thinking it was extra special that MG was the mediator), feeling like the pressure to be at my best for her each and every day was over for now, feeling like I could concentrate on football (especially with the pressure of my first varsity camp awaiting) and other things while I “got my act together” and matured enough to put my best foot forward in wooing FL, etc, etc. Feeling great enough to play “Celebration” over and over…

    But that was it. Though it would have seemed incomprehensible to me at that time, that was the closest I ever got to being with FL. Our lives would only drift further apart, as I inexplicably lost track of time. This is where I’ll end the longest part of the story (Pt.1). I might as well pause at the point where I was closest to attaining my fairy tale…

  6. Pragmatic Dreamer says:

    Angela: If you’ve really read Adam’s posts through September, you should have seen that he did leave his wife. And Adam has been mature enough to accept responsibility for his part in their relationship. Remember that most of us come here to vent; the stories are, naturally, completely one-sided. I’m sure that Adam’s wife wasn’t the devil (…seriously)! I don’t understand her actions, but it’s clear that she loves Adam –probably every bit as much as Adam loves C. And if she had come here to post first, we all would’ve felt so sad for her, because some of us understand how it feels to be the hopeless one who cares…

  7. Pragmatic Dreamer says:

    Adam: RE– “You probably won’t believe what I just wrote because I think in a lot of ways that is why C ignored and cut me out of her life, and I just can’t make myself believe it when ppl say the same kind of stuff to me as I did to you.. But I hope it does help you feel alittle better.”

    Isn’t it funny how that works? I see reasons for you to hope; you see reasons for me to hope. But as time goes by, I think that we feel more & more discouraged about our own situations. At some point, I’m wondering if we should just “go with our gut” and accept the futility of the circumstances. Others here, like Been There, really have been “in our shoes,” and they point out that it’s common to feel this way when experiencing NC in a reconnection situation. The debate is usually over whether to reach out to the person or to just wait until the person reaches out to us. More often lately, I wind up asking myself, “When do I let my practical side win out? At what point will I have to accept my sad assumptions as reality and abandon any false hopes?” It feels confusing because hanging onto hope involves just as many assumptions as giving up hope does. Either way, it’s completely guess work, so maybe going with my “gut reaction” is what I’m leaning toward a little more heavily right now.

    Lately, I’ve been into collecting wise quotes. Here’s one that seems to fit how I’m feeling: “There are things in life we don’t want to happen, but have to accept; things we don’t want to know, but have to learn, and people we can’t live without, but have to let go.” (unknown)

    –And that being said, Adam, I hate to think of YOU giving up hope! I still want C to get to hear how you feel about her, because even if she chose to stay with her husband during this very vulnerable time in her life, at least, she would have the info she’d need in order to eventually make an informed decision. In other words, maybe the truth about your sincere love for her would “plant a seed” that might need to lie dormant for a season or two before it could bloom. But even if it became obvious to you that that seed could never grow into what you want it to be, at least you’d know for sure, be able to say a mature goodbye to each other, and then be completely ready for the adventure of meeting your Love #2!

    When you feel like “talking” about the pain, Adam, remember that you can vent in this “safe place.” That’s kind of the true unifier around here, it seems: the sadness & pain.

    So here’s a final quote for you today (–very wise words, in theory; I think that we’re both just struggling with how/whether they’d apply to our circumstances): “You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.” (Jonathan Foer, writer)

  8. Pragmatic Dreamer says:

    dunkindonuts: I was going to try to encourage you to relax, since I was pretty sure that poor William was posting as fast as was reasonably possible for him –maybe getting a cup of your coffee (and a doughnut) and chilling out for awhile! But now that he’s started his story, you should be very happy. :-)

  9. Pragmatic Dreamer says:

    WILLIAM: Music is always a great way to introduce yourself. And the Gino Vannelli song “Living Inside Myself” was really lovely.

    –And finally, I have someone to “give me a run for my money” posting-lengthwise!

  10. Pragmatic Dreamer says:

    Sketch: RE– “BIG HUGS!! And lay your head upon my metaphorical shoulder and cry.. if it makes you feel any better.”

    It does! I am literally AND metaphorically thanking you!! :-D

    You know our similarities are starting to be a little freakish, don’t you think?! My cancer scare was probable metastasized breast cancer, but, miraculously, the tumor turned out to be benign –which meant that the issues with my lymph nodes were unrelated. How about you?

    AND you have sisters! I have two younger sisters and no brothers. What about you?

    I felt so sad for you, Sketch, when you described hanging out with your sisters at the beach –and having to keep your pain to yourself. I am so glad that you eventually did find your way here and now know that you’re in good company!

    RE: “Before I knew it, I was all caught up in a fairy tale of “what might have been” thinking maybe it was really “what could be” – but it wasn’t, in the end – it WAS just us dreaming and living through those lyrics a past we wished we could have shared.”

    Ah, so maybe I’m not the only one who struggles with that balance between the fairy-tale-believing dreamer and the realistic pragmatist. It’s so easy to swing from one extreme to the other. Walking that tightrope in between is the real trick!

    I think that I understand what you mean about reading different interpretations into songs or photos. I wish that I could understand better myself how I just “know” what the expression in Friend’s eyes means. I get that this “evidence” is hardly proof of anything, and yet, it just FEELS true. And when I plug that bit of info into the warning that I’d received so long ago and combine it with Friend’s treatment of me in the present, it all seems to make sense. I guess that it would’ve been pretty embarrassing for him to have to admit to me that he was mistaken about the feelings that he’d claimed to have. So, with no real love and with no real friendship, we, literally, would have had nowhere to go with a reconnection. :-( It may be sadly true that Friend never has and never WILL HAVE the capability of being in love with one person wholeheartedly for the rest of his life –and that possibility makes me weep for myself …but even more so for Friend.

  11. Angela says:

    Pragmatic dreamer,

    Yes I read the posts and I saw that he had a brief separation. And as you stated “he with mature enough” do the right thing, accept responsibility for his part…and reconcile. It’s the “his part” I don’t understand. He doesn’t love her and never has. He is not attracted to her. He “did the right thing” by marrying her in the first place and it has brought him nothing but misery for many years. Being trapped into a loveless marriage, seems like an unfair life sentence. And I don’t think the punishment fits the crime.

    I’m not so naïve to believe that Adam is an innocent victim, but he trusted she was taking the birth control pills. She lied. She admits it. This is where it all started. In my opinion, any women that unilaterally decides —and then intentionally gets pregnant to trap a man into a commitment has some very serious character flaws. If she is willing to to that… What is not beneath this women?

    There are lots of different types of love. Any love he has developed –in my opinion is on par with Stockholm syndrome.

  12. Angela says:


    I can’t wait for part 2. I love your writing style!

  13. skeptic/sketch says:

    PD: Wanted to post this quote I sent FL once in an email…

    “The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy.”

    Yes, our similarities continue to come out! I’ll post more later.. no time right now, but wanted to copy and paste that before I forget… or can’t find it again! LOL!

    William.. Wow.. it amazes me how much you remember from such a young age! I guess looking at your lifelong connection to your FL makes me realize even more that my FL probably has those feelings for me and that’s why he won’t (or can’t) be my friend and keep in contact.. Still, it hurts.. BUT… I’m thoroughly enjoying your story! And you’re an excellent story teller.. As Di would have said on here.. “you should write a book about it!” :-) (after you tell us the rest, that is…)

  14. WILLIAM says:

    Thanks for the kind words, PD, Angela & Sketch!

    I have been thinking of what to say in Part 2, and it should be forthcoming fairly soon. I have a pretty crazy work schedule (2 totally different types of jobs with different, heavy hours), so it probably won’t be up until sometime tomorrow. As a primer, though, I was going to make Part 2 about the 30+ years from 9th grade up until the reconnection (when her dad passed) over a year ago. Then Part 3 will be about the reconnection, where all those old feelings from my youth/adolescence came surging back like a raging fire…much to my surprise!

  15. skeptic/sketch says:

    Looking forward to Part 2, William!

    PD: I think I do remember you saying something about lymph nodes before – am I thinking right? Or was it somebody or something else I saw? I never know anymore.. where, how, or when I see things! LOL! BUT.. I myself have had no cancer scares (knock on wood!) My older sister, though, had breast cancer that didn’t show up as that, but as metastases – in the bones! It was in her coccyx… which came to light when using the toilet one day, of all things! But that is a weird coincidence with you thinking it was breast mets, too! I still am scared of that C word and think it’s out to get me – but not yet, anyway! :-) As for siblings, I’m the youngest of 6.. my oldest brother was over 20 years older than me – he was the age of most of my friends’ fathers! He died of metastatic melanoma at 62.. about 18 years ago… I have another older brother, an older sister (one of the ones I was at the beach with)… my older sister who died from breast cancer RIGHT before my FL and I reconnected.. and another sister who is only about 20 months older than me. Love my sisters dearly, and we’re VERY close – yet I couldn’t, didn’t, and never will tell them about what happened with my FL – they just wouldn’t “get it” like the people on here do!

    I have to say that I think you ARE really lucky that you didn’t connect with “friend” – cause I don’t think he’s capable of a relationship with one person only.. forever…. either! So as bad as you might feel about how he seemed to reject you now, I think it’s probably a good thing – cause he may have caused you more grief than his rejection has! Seriously!!

  16. PleaseGodCanIBeWithLL says:

    I had like two weeks where I was on cloud nine being able to “talk” and connect to LL again through FB messages. Was feeling amazing. The depression I had lived with for so many years practically vanished. Now it is back with a vengeance.

    Tuesday LL asked me a question about my OCD and as I was writing the answer, and telling him how horribly OCD impacts my daily life, it dawned on me that LL dodged a bullet by not doing life with me. I told him just that and started crying and felt totally trapped by OCD and by being married, which I also told him (we had previously discussed both of us feeling trapped with our current partners) I’ve been a wreck since. It’s like I felt something shift. Like as I was writing that I felt him pull away from me. Am I just projecting my feelings on to him or am I feeling what he is feeling?????? We ended up chatting for about an hour and a half. In this discussion he brought up a possible face to face meeting over his Thanksgiving break. He said he wants to make a trip out to the college we went to (where I currently work) and listed all the other places/friends he wants to see that day. So then I was confused, did he want to meet up with me? I asked and he said yes, that was what he meant. But I think he wants to “schedule” me in a time slot. To quote him,”I would like to see you to say hi . . .in a very non threatening, very relaxed and very non stress full way . . .

”. I asked what was threatening about seeing me, he said, “I don’t know . . . just a lot of emotions . . . not sure what to expect from myself

”. I totally know what to expect from me. In my mind an ideal “meeting” would be where we have a meeting time, but no specific end time. Having a time limit on the meeting will totally stress me out, like will I be able to say everything that needs to be said, what if I forget something and never have the chance again? What if he sees me and gets closure and is done with me? But I totally respect his need, so I will go along with a time slot if that is my only option.

    Now that there is the possibility of seeing each other, I am so paranoid that my current weight (I’m about 40 pounds heavier then when he last saw me) will turn him off or make him think less of me or seal in his mind that he is done with me. I’m not even at my fattest anymore, down about 18 pounds from that, but still am disgusted with myself when I look in a mirror. I know when we were together he was totally turned off by “fat girls”. His current GF is a skinny bitch.

    LL has been using the word “friend” to describe our current status. It didn’t bother me before, but now all of a sudden it does. I know that is easier for him to define it that way and makes it seem less than it really is and he is just trying to protect himself.

    Yesterday morning I apologized to LL for being so desperate and needy during our chat the night before. He said “no worries”. I don’t want to start acting differently toward him and make him feel uncomfortable. I’m sooooo scared he will stop our reconnect. Last week I was so confident that we were going to be in each other’s lives forever even if it was just as friends.

    All day yesterday I was a wreck. Tears kept creeping up on me all day long. On my way home from work, I cried the whole way home. Had to pull over and shut off the car at one point. I was exhausted and fell asleep early. Felt better when I woke up, but now I am feeling the same way all over again. Ugh.

  17. PleaseGodCanIBeWithLL says:

    Oh he also said in our Tuesday chat:

    “. . . you just over boost my self esteem . . .

I never understood how kids can sit for hours and “chat” with friends . . . but low and behold, it is just exactly what I’ve beendoing with you . . . . the time just evaporates!!”

    Then later. I was saying how H has been more attentive lately and it makes me feel worse. LL wrote:
    “. . . do you feel like you will grow more into things as you stay with him?

I know that didn’t sound right . . .

Maybe talking with me so much is bad . . . ??

don’t want to give off any vibes . . . that I shouldn’t be giving off . . . .


    I can’t stop analyzing his vibe statement. I had asked him what vibes he thought he was giving off and he admittedly avoided the question.

  18. Pragmatic Dreamer says:

    Please: –just a super quick response to your post–

    RE: “I can’t stop analyzing his vibe statement. I had asked him what vibes he thought he was giving off and he admittedly avoided the question.”

    It sounds to me like your FL might also be worried about not being able to stay in contact –like he might be scaring YOU away. …Just an impression…

    Your interactions with your FL remind me of Don’t Do It’s with hers. Hang in there, Please. There are quite a few kind & compassionate people here who will weigh in and give some words of wisdom and encouragement!

    Oh, and just my own opinion: we have ALL changed in some significant ways over the years; if putting on some extra pounds (which is such a changeable condition!) causes your FL to retreat, then he’s an awfully shallow & pathetic excuse for a human –and not worth your time! (Plus, how do you know that he’s not concerned about what YOU will think about some aspect of him that has changed?)

  19. Don't Do It says:

    Please God,

    Yes, PD is correct. You’re going through a lot of the things I went through with my FL. First of all, I lost 60 pounds from the time I first talked to him on the phone last year until the time I saw him in person about 7 months later. I’m still 30 pounds heavier than I was when I was in high school and the last time he saw me. I was too skinny in high school, but I could sure lose another 15 to 20 pounds now.

    He only gave me about 2 hours warning when he showed up to see me in person. I was worried about my weight too. It didn’t matter. He saw me the same way I saw him. Still just as beautiful as all those years ago. You’ll know that when you do see him. It’s like you see what they look like now but when you look in their eyes it’s exactly the same attraction as then. He even told me “You are beautiful, do you know how beautiful you are?” I’m almost 50 years old and 20 pounds over weight. But, I’m sure glad he thinks I’m beautiful and I’m sure your LL will think the same.

    Time. My FL was the same way. He told me he had 2 hours max. He did that the first two trips he made here (a total of 4 meetings). Every one strictly according to a time table he had in his head. I think it’s because he was afraid he would never be able to leave if he didn’t set a time. He’s not like that anymore. Now we both know it’s only a couple hours but it doesn’t have to be so scheduled.

    The word “friend”. How can such a nice word be so devastating? I get it. FL and I have decided to be “special friends”. There really is no word for what we are. We try to be friends but it just never can stay there. There are too many memories and overflowing emotions. We haven’t became “lovers” and have no plans to become lovers. We don’t know what the future is but we do know we will never lose each other again.

    Try to relax. I know that is easier said than done. I was mad at my FL when he just surprised me with that first visit. But, now in retrospect, it would have been awful to be in your shoes and worrying about it so far ahead of time.

    Believe me, it will be wonderful and more emotional than you can handle. You’ll be glad it’s just for a scheduled amount of time because there really is too much emotion and too many places it could lead you to that you really aren’t ready for it to go to yet.

    Hang in there and just be thankful that you are getting him back in your life in any capacity that it ends up being.

  20. WILLIAM says:


    Pt.1 of my story set the stage for this “surreal” part of my journey through life: my love life.

    But back where I left off, in the summer of 1981, my love life was only “surreal” in a good way. I could never have imagined what would lie ahead, never in my wildest dreams (or nightmares).

    And just to reiterate what I was feeling back then:

    I had just spent some time with girl 1B the summer before my 9th grade year. Girl 1B had really started to blossom, a true hottie with the proverbial “dumps like a truck” and all that good stuff. I had either liked or loved 1B all the while since 2nd grade, plus I had an “in” with her family. When I heard they were moving a few hours away, I didn’t want to go to school anymore. I was devastated, yet I nearly forgot that 1B existed once I gazed across the room that very first day of 9th grade!

    And just what was I gazing at? This cute, sweet, “cuddly” type of girl. FL was starting to develop with a lot of “baby fat”…with big shoulders, a flat butt…not like some of the girls with hourglass figures. Oh, and then there were those ears, those wonderful protruding, oversized ears (made that way to hold all that beautiful hair, no doubt). I hadn’t really noticed how they seemed to stick out, but was more than glad to tease her about them any time that I could. And tease her I did, right up until the point where I could see that irritated look in her eyes. I would always stop then, and stop any others who were chiming in. But tease her I did, about anything I could, each and every day…but always with “love” behind it…I couldn’t get enough of her! And something crazy was happening inside of me…all her little imperfections seemed to add up to PERFECTION! It was as if I had never seen a girl before! (and didn’t need to see any other ones again) And although FL was what you would consider to be “textbook cute”, what really got me were HER MANNERISMS. Yes, she’s beautiful both inside and out…but it is her “way”…her “style”…how she carries herself…her cuteness, her sweetness, her warmth. Just pure magic! And seeing her across the room with her hair in her mouth (my favorite thing)…then with that long, beautiful hair and those pink or salmon-colored sweaters in the winter months. She looked just like a big clump of cotton candy, a big baby doll. Yet I don’t mean that in a sexual way. It’s funny how it was never really sexual. (In fact, I don’t think I’ve EVER had a sexual thought about her to this very day. I guess that‘s how you really know that it‘s PURE LOVE.) With FL I just wanted to walk her home, carry her books, hold her hand, kiss and whisper into her great big wonderful ears…

    I guess this was when I first began to realize that true love was something much deeper than just a physical attraction or a sexual thing. When I looked across the room at FL, I saw the girl that I wanted as my girlfriend, the girl that I wanted to wear my football jersey in school, even (gulp!) the girl that I wanted as the mother of my children. I really can’t say just what it was about her, just that it was a combination of things. But when I gazed into those eyes I saw an inner warmth that I knew would make her a great mother. I really can’t explain it. I just KNEW it.

    Ahhhh, but I digress…

    OK, so how exactly does this amazing girl who is THE CENTER OF MY UNIVERSE in 9th grade, this friend of mine since we were “pups”, this girl who makes me forget ALL the others that I have ever been attracted to, the one who I want to build my entire world around, etc, etc…just how/why does she drift apart from me?

    I wish I knew. If you would have told me then that I would only see FL maybe FIVE OR SIX times in the next 33 years, I would have said that you were out of your mind! Why, “I’m gonna marry that girl…once I get my act together…once I figure out how to go about it the right way…once I get more experience with women…once I get done with my education…once I get a good job so I can get my own car, etc, etc, etc…SOMEDAY.” But “someday” never came. And there wasn’t really a single answer as to why it didn’t. It was a combination of so many things: our lives drifting apart (inevitable after her move, even with it being local), my dysfunctional family life, my irrational thinking/approach to things, other relationships/outside influences, and just plain FATE seemingly acting to keep us apart in one way or another…it just wasn’t in the cards.

    It now seems very odd that I initially thought that FL moving a town away and switching schools might actually be a good thing. But back then, I thought I was in a good position. I was the very last guy that FL liked right before she moved, and I had this preconceived notion that she would return to our hometown when all was said and done. I figured she would get approached by tons of guys at her new school, but what I didn’t know wouldn’t hurt me…and at least no one else in my hometown would get her. I could concentrate on sports and get over my awkwardness, then come after her “riding a white charger”…SOMEDAY. And I didn’t have to be “on” my game everyday…but I could call her up as a friend or something, somewhere down the line. At least that was THE PLAN…

    I posted before about having a pretty normal childhood, but all that would change around this time (9th grade, 10th grade). So many things started happening that would turn my world upside down. I used to have a pretty good handle on things…but I was blindsided in so many ways. At home, we had led a middle-class existence, but then my father was permanently laid off. Money became scarce, and I had no car or $$$ for extracurricular activities (like dating). I also had trouble breaking free from some annoying friends. One who would call and talk my ear off in my only available free time, and a few who would invite themselves over on the weekends. I remember thinking that I should be calling FL…and wishing that I was with her instead on the weekends. If only I had a mentor at that particular time, someone who could have encouraged me, given me answers on how to break away from the clingy friends, and on how to go about things with FL, etc.

    My maternal grandfather might have been that type of person for me, but there was tension between him and my father. Strangely, my grandfather might have had a “vision” (or something) regarding FL. Early in the 9th grade school year, he had asked me “did you get your girl?” Since I hadn’t told anyone about my particular interest (well, maybe since we were WAY young), I said “what do you mean, MY girl?” And then later in the school year, he asked again. Not “did you get A girl?” but rather “did you get YOUR girl?” I again wondered, “how does he know?” At least this time I could tell him that I was working on it! And I remember having a vision of FL right after that, thinking how she reminded me of my grandmother…and how maybe I could have the kind of lifelong loving relationship that my grandfather and grandmother notoriously had (56 years of devoted marriage). But then I sort of wished I had an older cousin or someone who could help me with her, as I was the oldest of all the grandchildren on that side of the family.

    The only “advice” my father really gave me was “don’t get tied down with anyone”…and he often bragged about how his rich father gave him a new car during each of his teenage years…and about how many women he had (he likes to exaggerate). That wasn’t good for my teenage morale as a poor, confused kid. My mother likewise said “love them all and have a ball”…and all I seemed to hear from anyone was how there are so many fish in the sea, etc. My parents seemed to put down anyone who dated just one guy/girl then got married…so my concept of love was that I should get out there and play the field. I really had no idea how love worked. Though I knew I had been deeply in love with FL (my instincts seemed to tell me), all I kept hearing was that I was too young to fall in love…too young to know what love is. So I thought maybe I hadn’t really felt “love” after all (I had nothing to really compare it to, so maybe it was just a strong crush). Also, I figured there were a million girls out there like FL. One in each town. And while I still had strong feelings for her deep down during the remainder of my HS years, those feelings gradually began to fade since we were apart. Also, around this time, my parents reiterated how heritage/religion was so important in relationships…so I figured that maybe I should just turn off my feelings for FL “like a switch”…and just fall in love with someone who shared my own heritage/religion.

    I also must note that my father was the only person who really knew much about my feelings for FL. I used to discuss her and other girls with the guys, but got spooked when my family friend (FL’s boyfriend #2 in 9th grade) began dating her. I thought, “doesn’t he know that I like her?” I then became afraid to discuss her with ANYONE…I viewed EVERYONE as a potential threat…which in turn kept me from getting dating advice from any of my friends!

    There is also another important concept that I must share at this point. It makes my situation especially painful, agonizing, etc:

    I grew up in a small town, a suburb of a fairly big city. The town was notorious for being kind of “inbred”, and people from the prior generations rarely left. My mother and her siblings all had fond memories of their school years in this town, and I had lived there since I was about a year old. My maternal grandparents lived right across from the HS and borough park, and I spent a lot of time at their house growing up, hearing stories of the good times had by all, leafing through pictures of their old school yearbooks, gazing up at the big HS building across the street…and dreaming of the great times I would be having there as I grew up. On the other side of that HS and borough park was a little house where FL grew up. Both her parents had grown up in the town, and they actually met at the HS. FL’s grandparents had been very involved in town activities, government and church…and were “pillars” of the community. I had often discussed things like this with FL, and that’s why I was led to believe that FL would be the kind of person who would return home someday. I think that kind of lulled me to sleep in a way…and led me to take things for granted. That’s why I thought I had plenty of time/potential opportunities with FL. I didn’t expect things to change…and to change so quickly. I thought she would return to town often, and look for a hometown guy to “do life” with. I thought that would be what she wanted, but boy was I wrong! And it was just one of many things that I was wrong about concerning FL…

    Anyway, so much for the “great times” that I would have during my HS years. I couldn’t wait to get there (HS) when I was a kid, then couldn’t wait to get out when I finally got there. It was like I was “hexed” or something: 1B and FL move away (top love interests)…I get betrayed in a major, life-altering way by a few so-called friends…I get betrayed by a few football coaches…I get multiple, even “fluky” football injuries…and, of course, there was the financial turmoil at home. As a result, I just wanted to get the heck “out of Dodge”, and fast! And since I considered FL to be nearly part and parcel, part of the town? I over thought things (as usual), and got it into my psyche that I should/could leave her behind as well…I could just turn those old feelings off like a switch!

    So…everyone goes away to college, and I begin studying hard and chasing college women during the school year (but not too much). Then I’m looking for younger “townie types” when I am home in the summers. I sometimes think of FL, who I learn is attending a religiously-affiliated school out-of-state. I sometimes stare at her home phone # in the book, but I never actually dial. After all…SOMEDAY! And I hope to run into her sometime around town, but rarely do (maybe only at the funeral home).

    Anyway, weeks become years…and all of a sudden I’m in grad school, thinking that I’m greatly bettering my life, but feeling great amounts of pressure from my family, who desperately needs my financial support.

    But there I am, back on Main St for the big 4th of July parade in my town. In fact, I’m right by the same spot where I had fallen for a certain little blonde years prior to this. It was the only time I would get back home to see the parade in a 4-year period (before and after)…and I would soon learn I was probably DESTINED to be there in this instance. A former classmate of mine and FL’s, we’ll call her CC (cheerleader captain)…well, she says to me that FL is over there across the street. And all of a sudden it registers…FL…FL! It has been so long since I’ve seen her! I tell CC how excited I am to see FL! And for a split second I begin to think that this is it…this is the moment that I’ve finally been waiting for…this is it…FINALLY! I am in the best physical shape of my life, I am in a very prestigious grad school, I can confidently approach FL and catch up, AND…………………….then CC says “she’s (FL) getting married”.

    Well. This is where I’ll pause and end Pt.2. A decade has passed since I came so close…and now…

    Pt.3 will pick up with the aftermath of all this, then the intermittent period, then the reconnection/revelations.

    PS: I apologize for being so wordy, but I felt like I needed to include everything I mentioned.

  21. Angela says:

    Part 2 did not disappoint… The storytelling, not the fact she was engaged.

    Sharing your story in parts to coincide with the stages in life was brilliant!

    Can’t wait for part 3 and 4.

  22. skeptic/sketch says:

    Please God… Listen to Don’t Do It – these reconnections tend to bring out the worst in everybody.. a rollercoaster of emotions, on both your side and his! You overthink everything, you imagine the worst.. What she told you is spot on… Take a deep breath, relax… though I’m sure your OCD makes that a bit harder.. :-( But do take note of what she said about how each of you has changed.. and that it won’t matter.. and just hang in there!

    William.. looking forward to Part 3!

  23. PleaseGodCanIBeWithLL says:

    Thanks everyone! I am feeling much better today. Also having a few message exchanged between LL and me made me feel more “normal”. I totally having an insecure “moment”. Maybe LL sensed this because he’s written more to me the past two days than usual.

    I like the term “special friend”. So this morning I sent LL a quick message so he’ll get it at work saying “Happy Friday my special friend!!”. Will be interesting to see what his reply is.

    Thank you all for being here!!!

  24. PleaseGodCanIBeWithLL says:

    He sent back a big smile. :D

  25. Don't Do It says:

    Please God,
    Glad you’re feeling better about everything today. It truly is a roller coaster ride. Extreme highs and devastating lows.

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  27. Alexandrina says:


    Reuniting With Your First Love…on the Net « Shrink Talk…

  28. WILLIAM says:

    Thanks for the positive feedback, Angela and Sketch! Between work concerns and ridding my computer of a virus, I’ve been on hold for a couple days. But I’ve been trying to think of what to say in Part 3…and I should be able to get it posted sometime this weekend…

  29. Adam says:

    Wow! Way too much to reply to over last few days!
    PD, thank you for the sincere reply. I think I finally just had to tell myself that there is no hope to ever get back in any relationship, even friends with C, it’s too painful. The only thing that brings me peace these days is telling myself that even if she would contact me I would say “sorry.. But I’m done with you. Bye!” It keeps me from trying to figure the endless possible ways reconnection could go and from trying to say the right thing and try to win her.. Screw that! If she wants me she’s gonna have to go through what I have and fight for me.. And I don’t see that happening.
    As for Angela, my wife is an amazing person with very high values, but very low self esteem! She loved me and was scared to lose me but at the time she thought I felt the same so she wasn’t trying to trap me, she was just 18 and scared to lose me. She has been nothing but caring and loving and forgiving of my hurtful ways. If I wouldn’t have ever met C I would be happy with my wife. The only thing she has ever done is stopped taking birth control when we got together but other than that she has been an amazing wife. And yes I did decide to have another baby because I really was happy with her. I had gotten mad at C and it let me really love my wife so we decided to have a baby but a few months later the anger towards C wore off and I “relapsed” missing her again causing my marriage to go bad. My wife did nothing wrong, she fell for me just like I fell for C.

  30. Adam says:

    Haven’t read your post William but I will and reply when I get time.

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