They say that you never forget your first love. And with the exception of yours truly, who would rather stick his tongue in a bear trap than even think about his high school girlfriend, many look back on their first romances with fond feelings. Although not everyone thinks of that relationship for more than a passing moment or so, some must wonder what it would be like to rekindle the romance they had when they were teenagers or college-aged.
Suppose for a minute that you could. What would that be like?
As of 2003, Dr. Nancy Kalish had studied over 2,000 “lost love” relationships. She said that three-quarters of first loves who reunite years later decide to stay together, even when the reunion begins as an adulterous affair. Normally, most marriages that begin as affairs terminate. How are these people reconnecting and why would the relationship work at a later date?
The web, of course, is where most of these meetings begin. When Dr. Kalish was doing her research in the early 2000’s, the most popular site for finding people from the past was Classmates.com. At that time, the site found that 36 percent of respondents had used the net to look up or contact a former significant other. And Dr. Kalish stated in an interview with the Boston Globe that while many people begin their search as simple curiosity, affairs can escalate quickly *. The interviewer, Carey Goldberg, noted an anonymous respondent from Dr. Kalish’s research to highlight this point:
“It’s like you’re falling in love all over again,” she said. Her first boyfriend found her on the web, and before she knew it, she was obsessed, and then lying to her husband, and then sexually unfaithful, and then caught by her husband – who, to her continuing gratitude, stuck with her instead of divorcing her.
Dr. Kalish brings up a very interesting point: “therapists tend to underestimate the powerful nature of such old loves, especially first loves. As a result, they tend to tell such patients that their feelings for their re-found loves are based on fantasy and that they can find the same feelings in their own marriages if they only try. But that fails to take into account that reunited lovers really do know and love each other, and a first love, in particular, remains unique. This is not about sex, it is not about the spouse or the marriage, it is not a midlife crisis,” she said. “The reunion is a continuation of a love that was interrupted.”
Carey Goldberg notes some research indicates that a teenager may attach specifically to a first lover in much the same way as a baby attaches to a mother. This hypothesis was given by Dr. Linda Waud, a Psychologist who wrote her dissertation on three reunited couples.
“There is an actual neurological attachment that happens between these individuals,” she said, “and that’s why it’s enduring and it never leaves your mind. It’s there forever and ever.” Interestingly, Dr. Waud herself reconnected with a long-lost love after 35 years apart.
In her in-depth interviews of the three couples, she noted that they had unusually intense sexual connections, which made her posit that sexual attachment may work with the same kind of specificity as baby-mother attachment.
Although a dissertation with only three couples makes generalization extremely difficult, she is onto something. I’ve made the very mistake that Dr. Kalish pointed out: that the former love is simply a fantasy and that one’s current relationship can satisfy this new need. And this is coming from someone who is not only a product of divorce, but someone who also spends most of his days thinking about why marriages fail, so I obviously thought I had some weight behind my advice. After I was wrong not once but three times with clients who ultimately chose to leave their marriage for their high school sweethearts, I had to rethink my position. There’s a possibility for a permanent footprint in your brain when it comes to your first love.
What does this mean for current relationships? With Facebook now in complete control of the human race, more and more people are reconnecting. Many will get back in touch with old flames, possibly their very first romance. Depending on how those conversations go – and yes, of course many of them will be simple hello’s and good-bye’s – casual chat may turn into flirtation, then a discussion about status and availability. And when the relationship moves from Facebook to IM to text to telephone and then to personal contact, the attachment that Dr. Waud talks about has perhaps manifested itself in a true rekindling of the romance, with much more backing than any affair could produce. For some, decisions will need to be made. If married, do I leave for what might be really ‘the one?’ Or do I stay and honor what I’ve agreed to while relinquishing what my mind had perhaps bonded to years ago?
Unfortunately I don’t have the answer to that question and I’m pretty sure that we could get a 50/50 breakdown if we asked enough people. Every person in this spot will need to answer it, however. And from what I’ve seen in my practice, it’s an agonizing choice, especially when the current relationship is at least somewhat satisfying. So essentially I’m along for the ride as people decide what is in their best interests as well as the other parties involved. This can take months, perhaps years, to weigh out the pros and cons, the practical and emotional changes involved in life-altering decisions like these, the risks involved in making the ‘wrong’ choice. In other words, watching a client grapple with a problem like this is very difficult to watch. Even if you think you know the right choice, you can’t give it to the client. He or she truly has to come to it via the self. It can’t be spoon fed. Some will leave their families and begin new lives with a former love, usually with a large amount of guilt. Others will stay put and feel that permanent imprint tugging at them. Either way, it’s not a particularly envious position in which to be.
* I’d link to this specific article, written by Carey Goldberg, but it’s archived and you have to pay to read it. Hit up Globe.com if my piece doesn’t summarize it sufficiently for you or if you don’t mind spending the fee.
What about those of us that had disastrous first loves, where are hearts were broken? Does that less-than memorable first love leave some sort of imprint on the psyche? Leaving us unable to trust from the beginning? Is it like a child who wasn’t nurtured by their mother and is left to fend for themselves?
Robin: Who DIDN’T have a disastrous first love?
“Hey, look, I know we’re sixteen and have already decided to marry and live together forever, but I’m just not feeling it anymore and I think we should see other people.”
“Sure, ok. Do you want your love notes back or should I dispose of them in an eco-friendly, non-incendiary way?”
My first loving relationship ended with a screaming, clawing severity that would make a pitbull sidle nervously out of the room, averting eye contact all the way.
I’ve seen this a bunch too–great insights. Thanks, Rob!
Spectacular and insightful as always Dr. Rob. This is why I choose to live the way of my Celtic Ancestors, free love babby. I make the mistake of falling in love with every girl I meat, and I was truely miserable while I was with my first love, for 7 years no less lol. Then I decided I wanted an open relationship and she said no, so I said bye. Its been a year now and I still feel the love I have for that girl, and if she could ever accept me for my life stile I would take her back in a heart beat. But, I refuse to be with someone who ties me down, who makes me go against my nature and beliefs. But, I’m a weirdo so… yea…
I had my first love at 16-18. I left her to go to university. She changed completely. I wanted to get back with her, and she disgusts me. I saw her on a dating site I use, and felt like puking with a mixture of excitement and rage.
I remember her fondly, but I feel disgusted at what sort of change she went though. From perfect match to someone I don’t want to talk to.
I’d be curious if this would be the same for someone with a secure attachment, compared to someone with an insecure attachment. I’d argue this would effect someone’s “first love” experience more than the actual “love”.
Great post! I continue to be fascinated with Facebook and connections with exes. I actually found closure after a long time through Fb, finally realizing the fantasy of that love was just that, a fantasy. I realized I’d ultimately made the best choice in my life and there’s nothing left to regret. Though I’m not sure his wife appreciated his conversation with me. So I’d be curious to see how many of those re-connections really work, especially when people leave their spouses to go back to the past.
Thanks for reaffirming this whole first-love attachment business, which I am just now dealing with after many, many years!
Well just recently i reunited with a “first love” from my freshman year in college. So it had been 12 years. Well I will definetly say it was full of sparks and that butterfly feelings all overe again. But it takes 2 people ot not just say they want more but willing to go that next step together. Right now 12 years later brung back all the old feelings of how did i let this person get away from me.
Now I am 30 single and so is he, but Im not sure if it was just a reuniting of old feelings or much more from his part. I guess time is of the essence again.
This was a very interesting blog. It’s amazing how much of an impact the ‘first love’ can make on our lives, without us even knowing.
Time magazine has looked at the same idea of linking up with high-school sweethearts through facebook (though without the psychology angle)
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1921609,00.html
My first love just recently got in touch with me after 25 years (via Classmates). He is now going through a divorce I am happily married with a wonderful family. Since his contact, I have not been able to think of much else. While I would never pursue anything beyond simply catching up via Classmates, that “tug” is certainly there, and I find myself fantasizing about a time when we are both free again and can be together once more. I am also reliving some of the grief over the loss of our relationship. This article certainly articulates this bonding or footprint phenomenon that I am experiencing today. I don’t know if I should consider this a blessing or a curse.
I am going through this myself currently. My ex, that I had thought of repeatedly over the years, reconnected with me on Facebook as a friend. We’ve been getting along great, as friends, until we saw each other this past weekend, without our spouses, at a semi-reunion with a bunch of old high school friends. Well, a combination of alcohol and old memories landed us in the front seat of his car, and if mild sobriety and a moral compass didn’t kick in, it would have gone much further. The problem is, I still feel like there’s something there, not sure what he is feeling, but don’t want to lose him again. We’ve agreed that it shouldn’t happen again, but part of me hopes it does. I know it’s unfair to my husband, but our marriage has been downtrending for years and I have been miserable. Seeing the ex has made me feel so alive again! Now, it’s made me start re-evaluating the strength and status of my marriage and whether I really want to stay in it after 12 years. We have 4 children and I hate the idea of breaking up the family, but I feel like I have to hide my true self to stay in this relationship. I’m confused and unsure and this past weekend’s episode made me feel terrible guilty, for the first 24 hours, but now I almost feel liberated. Don’t know what to do next.
Wow, I googled this topic to see if there were any logical explanations to falling in love with someone you have not seen or talked to in over 18 years. Facebook!! I have to admit I looked for him, and initiated the contact, but it has been like magic since. We are meeting to spend some time together soon. Maybe its dangerous, but we really need to see each other. We are both married, and unhappy. It seems that everything I love about myself, he loves about me. It is pure speculation at this point, because we never have had sex, we were 15, so I mean this could go all sorts of ways. But I do know that I could not ever be without him again. He makes it easier to live my life. I cant keep him off my mind, and he isnt any better. We chat, text, and talk several times daily.. just like the blog said, its exactly that. I am certainly not ready to leave my family. I dont want another man to raise my kids. But I am also married to a chronic cheater, and am very spiritual and do not want to commit adultery. It is just soooo good to be understood appreciated, supported and loved. I dont think its a curse, I KNOW its a blessing, it has in fact, saved my life. I was confused, and angry. I am still a lot of both, but now I have someone to talk to who I know loves me, for me….I would venture to say there is some sort of neurological explanation, the feeling is so refreshingly familiar it is intoxicating…we have affectionately labeled our relationship has a “BFF” a best friend forever. It is lame, but its all we have, its beats the hell out of boyfriend, or girlfriend. We are 34 & 35, how else do you logically explain fallin head over heals with what should be by all explanation a stranger, after a 18 year separation. …. I dont know…
I’ve had a hard time adjusting to this issue. Your information has really helped. Thanks very much.
My first love and I were 12 and 13. We broke up soon after starting to date but remained friends. He moved away the next year and wrote me and called. 4 years later when he was 16 and I was 17 he started to visit. It was great. On new year’s eve 1976 I met him at a party but left him at midnight to go to another party. I knew I hurt him. That was the last time I saw him. He still wrote and called for about a year until I told him I had a serious boyfriend. This summer I saw him on facebook and we started to talk and talk and talk. 4 times a day for 2 months. It was deep and emotional.. He never married. I am very unhappily married and was planning on getting a divorce. We had a meeting planned which I backed out of because I felt I had too much to deal with. I got off facebook. He questioned my friend so I bought a phone and left him a message that I was ok. He called back. After 20 minutes the phone died and I threw it out. I was losing it. I wrote him a card. He questioned my friend again. I wrote him a letter. He asked my friend for an address to reply and sent me a card. I sent him a card back. This is so crazy. I can’t stop thinking about him. I have never felt like this in my life. I did an experiment. I went to dinner with a another ex and it was a disaster. It is not because of a midlife crises. I am convinced even though I have not seen him in 34 years, we are soul mates. I am a grown woman who has been in what I thought was love many times. I had no clue. I am trying to get a job to get a divorce and see what happens. He has promised me nothing, is very respectful of marriage and will not make it look like he is pursuing me. This is absolute torture.
after 35 years only took one phone call, perfect timing and alittle devine intervention……….works for me 8 yrs later
My turn…I was 16 and he was 19…we were so in love. He joined the military and we were torn apart. A few years later we reconnected but I had small child and was engaged to her father. My ex wanted me back and I wanted him but I could not leave my child’s father ( I followed my head and not my heart). It almost killed me to lose him again. I got married and thought about him all the time. After my divorce I tried to locate him (FB and the other sites were not around) with no luck. I moved on and got into another serious relationship…then he found me. That was the worst timing…he had gotten married and divorced and was still in love with me. (it was kinda ironic that the new relationship I was in was with a military man and he was deployed at the time). It almost killed me again but my morals would not allow me to be unfaithful, as much as I wanted to. He respected my decision and I lost him again…
Well, here we are again….now it has been almost 20 years after our break up. I just happened to look him up on FB and there he was!!! This time I am completely single and so is he…. is this a sign??? We have been talking on the phone for hours everyday. The first conversations were the normal “remember that time we….” and it was really nice. The more we have been talking the more it is developing…we have the bonds from when we were younger but we also have everything else. I am quite amazed at how much we still have in common. We have both grown and matured over the years learning alot about ourselves and who we are and I see a great potential for a future together. He lives an hour away and we are planning dinner this weekend. I can not wait to see him!!!! I can finally hug him and not feel guilty! I have never told him how much I still love him. He has told me but I have held back due to the circumstances that I was in at the time. I can not wait to look in his beautiful eyes and tell him in person!
We have decided not to rush into anything and we are taking it one day at a time. For the first time in my life adult life I am at peace in my heart and it feels complete. Time will tell… but according to this blog, the odds are looking pretty good!!! Thank you!
Hi – It’s good to read such interesting stuff on the Web as I have been able to fiind here. Thanks again for publishing such great reading material!!
[...] in mind, there has been of pattern of search terms related to a post I wrote a few months back, “Reuniting with Your First Love…on the Net.” To [...]
What a great post and article for all those experiencing this type of circumstance. I have not seen my first love for 26 years. We had a long distance relationship when I was 16 and he was 18. We dated for nearly 3 years. We lived 1 hour away and saw each other on weekends in the summer months and when ever we could. We had very liberal parents and we were allowed to have sleep overs becasue of the distance. Believe it or not, we never had sexual intercourse, although we fooled around alot. We were best friends.
He spoke to me about marriage after I graduated high school, because he had already graduated. He went away to college for 1 year and we wrote constantly. Shortly after he returned he stated talking about wanting to see other people in order to know if we were right for each other. I did not want that but I had know choice in the matter in terms of letting him go. He came back only once only shortly to let me know he found another girl. I was nearly 19 at this time and he was 21. I was devestated and wanted to die.
He had been my prince. He was very kind to me through out our relationship and even in the end, he ended with not wanting to hurt me. But it (he) did. So bad, I had to think of him as someone who had died and would never return. I never heard from him again. After months and even a few years of turmoil and heartache, I decided to call him at his parents home. His father answered and told me he had gotten married and moved away. I was left heartbroken all over again. I could not find a serious relationship to entertain myself since our break up, so I was left picking up my heart all over again. I hated life and I hated my life in particular.
I did graduate college and a few of my friends were marrying and trying to fix me up with different men…I had dated guys, but none who could measure up to my first love. He was everythng to me. Just like the author mention above…like a child to their mother. I needed him so many times, but I had made a vow to myself, I would nver try to reach him ever again in my life. I did not hate him, but the pain of loosing him was too great to bare again.
Well, after I graduating college, I moved away from my parents and started finding myself. By this time I was 24. After 4 years, I decided to move back home at attend graduate school. I had finally got him out of my system and actually forgot about him. I met someone shortly before I moved back to my hometown and our friendship blossomed into a relationship. Needless to say, we married 2 years later whenI was 29 and he was 31. Neither of us had children. We decided to spend the next 5 years of our marriage getting to know each other, traveling and enjoying ourselves together before we had our first child. Five years later, we had my son. I was 39. Ironically, I hear from from my first love 2 times during this time. He found me by calling my mothers home and I happened to be there at the time…how ironic. We spoke very briefly about a some project he was working (basically a business and networking call). He was still married with children. I was happily married also. I was very surprised to hear from him, but no feelings had surfaced. Another time, my mother mentioned he had tried to reach me again, some few years later. I kept my vow to never try to reach him again. After my children, my marriage seemed to fall short a little..as most marriages do. My husband and I communicated less and less, although I often made great effort to talk with him and plan dates. He seemed so uninterested in me. I get a message from FB from my first love. I was shocked and very surprised. I had forgotten him! We immediately began talking on the phone. He was surprised to hear I had recently completed my PhD. He said he was very proud of me. He now lives hundred of miles away, still married to someone he married immediately after or during dating me, and they have children. We found closure in that we were able to finally talk about what happened with our relationship, but it also seemed to bring us closer together and we felt the love again. We only talked briefly for about a week on the phone and realized it was not right. We have spoken briefly since. He did tell me he loved me, but later apologized for it because he knew it was not right while being married. I now find myself back 26 years ago, with footprints walking all over my heart again. My husband now knows of our brief contact and felt threatened by our contact. He has been very attentive these last few months. He accidentally read an e-mail that discussed my confused feelings of love for my first love, written to another person. He was very hurt but also acknowledged his faults in our marriage. I never made him feel guilty or blamed him for my current feelings toward my first love.
My marriage and family are most important to me at this time as his is to him. I know we will never rekindle that love again. But it seems like the after 26 years, I’ve know him forever, when it should like complete strangers. We agreed to never let time keep us apart, but I am not sure if that is a good idea. My heart aches all over again, but I love my husband and will do all I can to tranform that love into one.
My first love found me on FB about 6 months ago. We started dating in high school and got separated when I went off to college. When we found each other again I was dating my now former husband. My first love wanted me to come over to his place so that he could profess his love for me and ask me to leave my boyfriend to be with him. I was thinking with my head instead of my heart and I turned him down. I married my boyfriend and he married as well. He found me 23 years later on FB and told me that even though he is in his second marriage with kids that it should have been me. He even told both of his wives about me while they were dating. I divorced years ago and am currently single. We still love each other. But, he his married and does not want to leave his kids. I respect that decision. We still talk on the phone and text each other often. I can not say that I am waiting for him, but I will never lose touch with him again. If he ever does decide to end his marriage and I am available I will be with him again. I have no doubts that it would work because his is my friend.
I’ve been torn up over this, and wish I’d never made contact. I am married to a wonderful man who cares for me and treats me much better than my first love did. We’ve been together ten years and I’ve never thought of cheating on him. But the minute I connected with my ex on Facebook, all those old feelings came back, along with the knowledge that it can never be. It didn’t work out for a reason. It took me years to get over the hurt of losing him, and I can’t believe that I have to go through it a second time. I think about him constantly. It sucks! And you can’t be “friends”, one or the other always has deeper feeling than friendship. I have very strong feelings for him that never went away, “imprinted” as you say. But I’m wise enough to know that those feelings don’t neccessarily make for a good union. Time means nothing ~ we broke up 26 years ago.
Wow! I am not alone! Thank God! I’ve have just reconnected with my first love on FB. Immediately every feeling I had for him came rushing back to me. When we broke up, there were so many things we left unfinished. He just simply wasn’t ready, so I moved on. For the past 18 years, I have missed him, thought about him often, and always wondered where he could be. I just found out that he missed me just as much. He even thought through (very bad misinformation) that I had passed away over 10 years ago! He was shocked and thrilled I was fine. Now we are sharing through FB, text, and phone calls. Evidently, I have been in a unhappy marriage with kids for a few years that has been on its last legs. I can honestly say I’m only here for the kids. He never got married, but does have children of his own. He still lives near our hometown, but I live clear across the country. So, what happens next? I have no idea. I am deeply, secretly hoping for a happy ending that includes my first love. I don’t think I’ve ever truly loved anyone else. Guess the “imprint” description fits us well.
I just looked up my first true love on FB a couple of weeks ago. It has been 30 years. I am currently single and in a good place and he just remarried a few years ago. We messaged each other a few times in the last 2 weeks, however he called me yesterday. After that he has contacted me 6 times in the last 24 hours via phone, email and text. This is not good. We both wish we had found each other sooner. He tried and failed and I looked him up but I could not call. I really can’t believe the feelings and emotions that have surfaced in me, and him as well. Maybe there truly is something to imprinting, but I can’t help but think there is a fantasy effect also going on. I was 19 and he was 31 when we met.
Regardless of what is happening in my head and heart I will not pursue this or let this relationship move forward. Not only am I strong but my biggest motivation is that I am NOT going to let satan use me as a pawn to break up someone’s marriage. End of story.
Hi, I”m another one tortured by my first love. I called him to say I was sorry to hear his mother died and that I liked her very much. It was 30 years since I talked to him. I had no idea about this first love thing and didn’t expect to have the strong feelings coming back. Both of us were married, me for 25 years with 4 children and he for 21 years with 2 children. We started talking every day more than once a day sometimes for hours for the first 1 1/2 years. Neither one of us were the cheating type, but this was quite the emotional affair. We live 2 states away about a 12 hour drive and never did plan a meeting, although I had plenty of dreams about it. My marriage was bad and I was basically staying in the marriage because of the children and also because of my religion. There was a time when my first love did want to meet up with me in the beginning, but I didn’t feel comfortable with that. We talked about our marriages and problems to a certain extent and I did give him some advice on making his marriage better and gave him a perspective of how his wife may feel. His marriage got better and mine got worse. He started feeling very guilty about talking with me because then he wasn’t interested in his wife at all. I already wasn’t interested in my husband, so it just made my life a little happier. He thought about how he could leave his wife and just didn’t think he could, or his grandchildren so he wanted to stop the calls after about 2 years. It’s now 3 1/2 years since we first reconnected and I just left my husband a month ago. It was a very difficult thing to do, but I knew I wasn’t in love with him and never would be. I have many issues with my husband that all point to disrespect. I would never recommend divorce to anyone unless it’s the last resort. I asked my husband to go to conseling for 3 1/2 years because we had so many unresolved issues needing help so we could have a healthy marriage….he refused and now I’m not interested in being with him, there is no going back to that.
So what is going on with my first love? He is still married and plans on staying married. He won’t talk to me on the phone anymore because it set him back on any progress he can make with his marriage. We email each other every couple of months and end each letter with Love. I still love him and I believe he loves me but he doesn’t want to leave. I’m glad I never had a physical affair with him and I do think he brought me to my divorce by reminding me who I was when I was happy. After 1 month separation from my husband I am happy…it was very hard but I putting my life together now.
My dream is to some how be reunited with my soulmate/first love, but I don’t want to take him away from his wife. I’m not sure how their relationship is but he did tell me that everyday he has thought about me since we broke up, so I don’t know how he could be that in love with his wife if he is thinking about me. I am going to get on with my life and know that if it’s not my first love, God will put a man in my life that adores and loves me as much as I do him. My first love reminded me of what I’m looking for in a soulmate and I’m thankful for that. If I was an evil person I probably could do a surprise meeting and possibly steal him away from his wife, but I could never live with myself if I did that. He has told me that I we ever did meet up, he would never want to go home and I belief that would be true. I’m glad there is a big distance between us and I’m going to try to stay on the straight and narrow and see what life has to bring. I can tell you foresure a first love is a very powerful thing if the breakup wasn’t because there were big problems in the relationship. We were each others first love and I would like us to be last loves.
I fell for her in 7th grade and I broke up with her because she kissed a boy at a party. We got together our last year of high school and dated for over a year. I was so in love with her, I adored her. She cheated and broke up with me. I was devastated. We got back together when we were both in our mid thirties. She was divorced with a child; I had never been married but was coming off a very intense relationship with a girl I truly loved. Our thirties didn’t work either. I was not ready for a “ready made” family and we kind of jumped into it too fast, besides it was a long distance relationship. It only lastest a few, very intense, months, but we couldn’t take the strain of the divorce and the child and the long distance. BUT it was she that broke up with me again. This time I did notice that I had changed and grown much more than she and she did seem rather provincial. So, now I wonder, why had I been so in love with her, why did she always break up or cheat on me and why can I never get her completely out of my head? I think I was more in love with her than she with me. I think I had been better educated and changed more than her. And she has a cruel streak that she’d unleash on me when she broke it off. She has always been extremely attractive to men and has had her pick of men over the years…I just don’t know what to say…20 years later I am married with a child and I still think about her a couple of times a month. I do think it is chemical, like bonding with a mother. I will never feel the same about anybody and still have dreams where we get back together. However, I think the reality will never be as good as the fantasy. I don’t think she and I, as we were, will ever happen again.
I want to share my disastrous first-love reunion story. We went to school for 7 years together, but never dated. He wrote me a few love notes, and many people guessed that he had feelings for me, but nothing more. I liked him very much, but nobody knew about it. Then I left to go to another high school and saw him only once, when he visited my house with a friend. He never made any attempts to contact me afterwards, and eventually I got over my feelings for him (or so I thought).
I left for US when I was 21. My first marriage failed, but I have been happily married for almost 15 years now to the best person in the entire world. Men often find me attractive, but my husband is the only one who treated me with respect from the beginning. He is truly my best friend, and he is decent, handsome, funny, very intelligent, and a great lover too. I have never been even mildly interested in anybody else since we got together. My husband is very supportive of me – he insisted that I left my well-paying job and went back to graduate school, because he knew I wanted to do this for a long time. It was inconvenient for him, but he supported my dreams. He never places any demands on me and is completely trusting. We also have a wonderful 7-yr old boy. Basically, I have a great family.
My first husband, for whom I was the first love (and he was my first physical love), contacted me ones, but I did not feel anything at all. No “footprints” – just bad memories. Other past boyfriends also contacted me via different social networks, but I only felt slightly curious. 2.5 years ago my first love contacted me. He is married with 2 beautiful daughters and still leaves in my home country. I go there every summer to see my family, so I met him twice last summer and twice this summer. He is a musician, so he invited me to his concerts. In the beginning, I did not feel much of a connection – only a tingle of what might’ve been, when he wrote to me that he did not know that I was in love with him in school, and it was very upsetting to him. But it was so great to see him play his music!
I guess it started to develop into something more without me realizing it, because I began to think of what my life would have been with him. And I knew that it would’ve been much worse than with my husband, because he is not my intellectual equal and I know that he cheated on his wife (he told me only once, but I think it was more). My step father was a jazz musician, and I know first hand that this life style is not always compatible with family life. Nevertheless, I kept thinking about him, but did not share it with anybody. I was always just friendly with him, and we did not talk about our past feelings when we say each other face to face. I felt strong bittersweet feelings each time I saw him or heard from him – I am not even sure how to describe them. Basically, I had no desire to have sex with him, but I was glad to have him in my life. I thought he felt the same say.
The last time I went to his concert, he was giving me a ride back to my mother’s place, because it was very late. When we got to my mother’s place and were saying our goodbyes till the next summer, he suddenly grubbed my hand, squeezed it, and asked me to go to his place “for tea” (at 1 am in the morning!). Prior to that, he told me that his family was out of town, and then started to complain that his wife was very jealous and wants to control his every move. Of course, I am not an idiot, so I refused and left the car. I saw that he was pretty upset, although, he tried to hide it. I will never see him or correspond with him again. I know that I am at fault for even seeing him, although it was always in public places and never inappropriate. My pure first love memories are completely ruined right now, and I only have myself to blame. I love my husband, and I don’t love this man. I don’t even know him, and even if we were both single, I would have not gone for a musician with a wondering eye. Still, I am upset and think about him almost every day. Is this crazy?!
A friend of mine said that social networking promotes “get your first love in bed” fantasies. Please, be careful when searching for your lost loves. Especially when these are pure unrequited childhood crushes. These are precious memories that are better left untouched. Of course, it can be different for people who were also friends in the past and really emotionally developed together, if they are currently single. But if you have a marriage, please, think twice before even writing back when someone from your past contacts you. I feel stupid and guilty now…
I was 17 when I first met my first love. One look at each other and a couple of hi’s is all I needed. I broke up with the guy I was dating at the time. We were crazy for each other. Our parents split us up on numerous of occasions. His mom sent him elsewhere, while my mom did the same. After 2 yrs of our families intervening, we ended up pregnant with our son. Problem, we were in a interracial relationship in the 80’s. Racisim was still around but it was more hush hush. Our parents expressed horable words to each other and to us. Well our son was born, we were happy for a moment until my mom said some unkind words. At the same time his family threatened to disown him. After continually sneaking around 6 months after our baby boy was born, we stopped contacting each other. We went our own seperate ways, and he has never seen his son again. Our son grow up to be a wonderful son, boy, teen, and man. Every day I thought of what if. Every activity my son was in I only amagined what if his dad was here he would be so proud. 24 yrs later I was new to Facebook, and I decided to look up old friend. Ok one in particular. I didnt find him, but I did get a hold of a sister in law. After leaving a message, I received a call. It was him, the man I have loved all my life. He had also been looking for me. This is so wonderful. Problem, I am married not happy. I have told my husband just a few days prior to my fb contact to leave our home. After weeks on communicating, fb, IM, texting, phone and a soon to be person to person contact. I find my self needing and wanting him again, and he the same. We make each other feel good. We both beleive that this the right thing to do. Funny but our 24 yr old son, is tickeled. This is the first time they have talked to each. It is almost to perfect. My son now understands where he came from. Both of our parents have appologized for thier behaviors. It is our son who truely missed out. My husband has not left, I have asked for a divorce. We have been refered to the Hatefield and the Mccoys, and even Romeo and Juliet. We both need to be with each other to feel complete. We are each others first love, and want to be together forever.
I like the happy ending of Therese. I think in their situation they were suppose to be together. I think in my situation I was suppose to be with my first love but was too young to understand life. I wake up from sleeping sometimes and wonder what is the purpose of life and feel empty and confused. This doesn’t happen very often but it’s very profound when it does. I’m wondering if I get that feeling because I am empty without my soulmate. I do have a very active life and many close friends and family and I have had this confused feeling off and on through out my married life and raising my family. (I am the one who wrote on July 4, 2010) I also have a faith life and that is what keeps me going, but I still wonder if I’m a lost soul without my soulmate and how this imprint of first love really works. I have a lot of patience and am waiting to see what God has in his plan, but somehow I still think my life will not be content until I’m with my first love. I’m hoping I can get over this or find that other special person.
Has anyone else experienced this empty, confused state…I happened to wake up with it tonight and was wondering if it had anything to do with not being with my soulmate.
Soulmates:
After 18years and two solid realtionships “I can’t love another” I have mentioned in my other relationships about her and was accused of cheating but they (sort-of) understood when I told them it was my first love well over a decade a go.First love relationship is a lot more powerful than anything you can put in any kind of bottle!
Looking for first love replacement,
So where is your first love? Can you reunite? Do you know if she feels the same towards you? I’m frustrated in my situation because he and I know that we are soulmates and even said so, but he is married and trying to be comitted to her, I do respect that. He has never been able to tell me he is in love with her, only that he respects her and he loves his family. I do respect his family position and would not want to hurt another woman by breaking up a marriage, it’s just very hard for me. We have not seen each other in person for 31 years, I know he has changed his looks by losing a lot of his hair and aged like most people, but I don’t care. I wouldn’t want him to be with her if she didn’t treat him good, I think she is OK, they have their problems and I know she won’t kiss him, which I think is very odd. I just feel like we are both suffering and will continue to suffer through life for maybe no reason. I’m hoping I will be able to find someone close to a soulmate who I can fall deeply in love with otherwise I will be by myself….I’ve already had a bad marriage, just a wrong choice. It’s very painful to go through a bad marriage hoping things will get better and after all those years be so miserable that you have to go anyway. I could have made it with my husband if my marriage was only 1/3 good because of my family life and possibly forgot about my first love most of the time. I most likely need counseling over this situation so if I ever do run into a decent guy that I have sparks with I will be able to let go of my first love. Thanks for your input about your experience with love, it’s a sad situation.
I am also in the same path, wanting to get in touch with my first love. . thanks to this blog. . been searching what appropriate move to make . .now that i have his email address..still contemplating whether i should get in touch with him.. I am also married and happy, he is also married and it seems he is also satisfied with his current status, through the years he holds a special place in my heart, like a rainbow after the rain. always special . .always making me smile. .recently saw his pictures with his family via FB via his wife’s account. our relationship never blossomed fully it started via meeting through a mutual friend then thru postal mail 17 years ago , after 3 exchange of communications it was put into a halt. . why? my fault i mentioned something offensive in my writings, am just trying to be honest with him. . . he got the message all wrong and i never had the guts to talk to him because i was young and immature. . . the burden was with me for 17 years. the possibility of me communicating or meeting him have played in my mind a thousand times. thanks to technology , thanks to the internet. . .isn’t HE DESERVES to know that the feeling was mutual way back then? he made me happy during those moments and i wish to repay him with the same gesture 17 years after. .no matter what his reactions will be,whether he will be happy or not it doesn’t matter because i need to tell him this and move on with my life. .and stop thinking “what might have been”. . . is this the right move?
Rainbow,
I would say if you are happily married I would not contact him because you may start something that could be very destructive to both of your marriages. When I called my ex-boyfriend I hadn’t been thinking about him for years and his name popped up a few times out of the blue in a month span and I thought I better call him…there was something nagging me that I thought he needed me for some reason. I was very suprised at his response and how all these feelings came back so strong for him and I both. We hadn’t talked to each other for 30 years. We dated 3 1/2 years from the age of 18-21 and were first loves to each other. My marriage had problems that my husband was not willing to work on so then I started leaning on my ex for emotional support. Our communication was better than ever. When I started talking to him I was not in the mind set to leave my husband, I wanted to work things out for the family. The one good thing that did come from our conversations was I helped my ex have a better understanding of his wife and she gain better respect and apprecaition of him. He reminded me of my old self and how I was happy back then. I have had a very full life and am not the cheating type even though I had many marriage problems over the year, but I was very miserable in my marriage. I just tried to convince myself it wasn’t that bad and tried to make a good family life for my children. Now my children are all grown, I don’t want to be with my husband. I wish I could be with my ex but he is married and I won’t break that up. So this is all very painful and if I never talked to him I wouldn’t miss him so much and I’m not sure if I would have left my husband. After talking to my ex I had to face the fact that I was not in love with my husband and never would be. My ex gives me a role model of what type of man I am compatible with and I hope I can find one. I want to have a nice loving relationship with a man.
I think in your case there may have been a lot of infatuation between the two of you and you didn’t have a long enough relationship to know if it could be lasting, so it could just be a nice fantasy. You may get those same feelings back when you talk to him, then what are you going to do? You have a husband and family you love and that is priceless. I would have done anything to be in love with my husband but he was too abusive, it’s sad breaking up a family. I know as we age we have a lot of “what if’s” and our spouses loose their sparkle, but if you have a husband that supports and loves you and the kids, then grow old with him and forget about the ex-boyfriend. That’s my advise. You only had 3 encounters with him, it’s not worth risking a good marriage. My ex plans on staying with his wife but he still can’t completely let go of me. About every month we send each an email with a brief update of how things are and end all letters with Love. We love each other and I do feel bad because I am inbetween him and his wife but I just can’t completely let go. We can’t talk to each other anymore on the phone because it’s too painful afterwards. I wouldn’t want someone else to get into that situation.
Well with my situation, even though we plan on reuniting back to each other. I have told him, I will be okay if it doesn’t work for us, cause now I know how he felt about me. Now I know he was also trying to find me. Now my son has his dad. 24 yrs passing doesnt matter anymore. Questions have been answered and the wondering is done. A few more days and we will be whole again. His words” we need to talk about our future, cause I am putting a ring on it”, and where we going to be living your state or mine. In my cases I know it is worth it.
Thank you so much for your advise soulmate and therese. .it feels better that i was able to let this out, and somewhere in this sea of web somebody cared to post a message for me, thanks thanks!!!. . . I decided that I will try not to indulge in trying to communicate with him, its all in God’s time I suppose, not in my own time. . Therese , I am very happy that you were able to reunite I wish you all the happiness and lasting love that was deprived to you for 24 years, now its full circle for you. ; ) LIVE…LAUGH…LOVE!
My marriage is not that all perfect, we have issues as well we just try to resolve them. Prior to our marriage, my husband told me his past relationships even his first love. Being aware that they too have no closure, I asked my husband that she should meet her first and talk things over before we say our vows.
I can say that the meeting did helped him a lot to move on, problem is my husband never asked me of my past relationships and said it would be better if he is not aware of them. .They still see each other once in awhile and hang out with friends. At first I was jealous of the meetings(she recently divorced) and I would often freak out, but now that I am more mature. .I no longer react on this because I trust my husband and we agreed that should anyone falls out of love . .it is very clear that we should be honest about it, . .I am not the type who will force myself to someone who doesn’t love me anymore, his happiness matters most to me and I can say our relationship is well at this point.
Bottomline is, I had that MOMENT in the past no matter how brief it was . .perhaps that is already enough for me. .
I wish you well ms.soulmate,thanks! am following your advise. . .just hold on with those moments that you had with him way back then and 30 years after. ..they are already a PLUS for you and may perhaps sustain you for a lifetime, (you were able to reconnect right? threre’s already a reason for you to celebrate and be happy…please be HAPPY) oftentimes what hurts us deeply is in the “WANTING FOR MORE”. .forgetting we already were given the chance , the opportunity ,the “PLUSes”.. .if it’s meant to be. . only in HIS time. . ; )
Hi Rainbow,
Thank you for responding, you have good insight. You are also right about the ‘wanting for more’, that has been my struggle. I believe as you do that God has a plan for everyone and if it’s meant to be it will be. I am glad I reconnected with my ex when I did because he helped me through my father’s death and got me out of a dysfunctional marriage,he was good emotional support. I guess he was part of the path I needed to get where I’m going.
I wish you much happiness and love in your marriage.
Therese, I am very happy for you and your son, let us know how things work out. I think they will be great and you all have a long happy life together.