Reuniting With Your First Love…on the Net

They say that you never forget your first love. And with the exception of yours truly, who would rather stick his tongue in a bear trap than even think about his high school girlfriend, many look back on their first romances with fond feelings. Although not everyone thinks of that relationship for more than a passing moment or so, some must wonder what it would be like to rekindle the romance they had when they were teenagers or college-aged.

Suppose for a minute that you could. What would that be like?

As of 2003, Dr. Nancy Kalish had studied over 2,000 “lost love” relationships. She said that three-quarters of first loves who reunite years later decide to stay together, even when the reunion begins as an adulterous affair. Normally, most marriages that begin as affairs terminate. How are these people reconnecting and why would the relationship work at a later date?

The web, of course, is where most of these meetings begin. When Dr. Kalish was doing her research in the early 2000’s, the most popular site for finding people from the past was Classmates.com. At that time, the site found that 36 percent of respondents had used the net to look up or contact a former significant other. And Dr. Kalish stated in an interview with the Boston Globe that while many people begin their search as simple curiosity, affairs can escalate quickly *. The interviewer, Carey Goldberg, noted an anonymous respondent from Dr. Kalish’s research to highlight this point:


“It’s like you’re falling in love all over again,” she said. Her first boyfriend found her on the web, and before she knew it, she was obsessed, and then lying to her husband, and then sexually unfaithful, and then caught by her husband – who, to her continuing gratitude, stuck with her instead of divorcing her.

Dr. Kalish brings up a very interesting point: “therapists tend to underestimate the powerful nature of such old loves, especially first loves. As a result, they tend to tell such patients that their feelings for their re-found loves are based on fantasy and that they can find the same feelings in their own marriages if they only try. But that fails to take into account that reunited lovers really do know and love each other, and a first love, in particular, remains unique. This is not about sex, it is not about the spouse or the marriage, it is not a midlife crisis,” she said. “The reunion is a continuation of a love that was interrupted.”

Carey Goldberg notes some research indicates that a teenager may attach specifically to a first lover in much the same way as a baby attaches to a mother. This hypothesis was given by Dr. Linda Waud, a Psychologist who wrote her dissertation on three reunited couples.

“There is an actual neurological attachment that happens between these individuals,” she said, “and that’s why it’s enduring and it never leaves your mind. It’s there forever and ever.” Interestingly, Dr. Waud herself reconnected with a long-lost love after 35 years apart.

In her in-depth interviews of the three couples, she noted that they had unusually intense sexual connections, which made her posit that sexual attachment may work with the same kind of specificity as baby-mother attachment.

Although a dissertation with only three couples makes generalization extremely difficult, she is onto something. I’ve made the very mistake that Dr. Kalish pointed out: that the former love is simply a fantasy and that one’s current relationship can satisfy this new need. And this is coming from someone who is not only a product of divorce, but someone who also spends most of his days thinking about why marriages fail, so I obviously thought I had some weight behind my advice. After I was wrong not once but three times with clients who ultimately chose to leave their marriage for their high school sweethearts, I had to rethink my position. There’s a possibility for a permanent footprint in your brain when it comes to your first love.
What does this mean for current relationships? With Facebook now in complete control of the human race, more and more people are reconnecting. Many will get back in touch with old flames, possibly their very first romance. Depending on how those conversations go – and yes, of course many of them will be simple hello’s and good-bye’s – casual chat may turn into flirtation, then a discussion about status and availability. And when the relationship moves from Facebook to IM to text to telephone and then to personal contact, the attachment that Dr. Waud talks about has perhaps manifested itself in a true rekindling of the romance, with much more backing than any affair could produce. For some, decisions will need to be made. If married, do I leave for what might be really ‘the one?’ Or do I stay and honor what I’ve agreed to while relinquishing what my mind had perhaps bonded to years ago?

Unfortunately I don’t have the answer to that question and I’m pretty sure that we could get a 50/50 breakdown if we asked enough people. Every person in this spot will need to answer it, however. And from what I’ve seen in my practice, it’s an agonizing choice, especially when the current relationship is at least somewhat satisfying. So essentially I’m along for the ride as people decide what is in their best interests as well as the other parties involved. This can take months, perhaps years, to weigh out the pros and cons, the practical and emotional changes involved in life-altering decisions like these, the risks involved in making the ‘wrong’ choice. In other words, watching a client grapple with a problem like this is very difficult to watch. Even if you think you know the right choice, you can’t give it to the client. He or she truly has to come to it via the self. It can’t be spoon fed. Some will leave their families and begin new lives with a former love, usually with a large amount of guilt. Others will stay put and feel that permanent imprint tugging at them. Either way, it’s not a particularly envious position in which to be.

If you enjoyed this piece please consider giving your blessing to my Facebook Fan Page. Thank you.

* I’d link to this specific article, written by Carey Goldberg, but it’s archived and you have to pay to read it. Hit up Globe.com if my piece doesn’t summarize it sufficiently for you or if you don’t mind spending the fee.

Related Post: Reuniting With Your First Love…On the Net (Revisited)

Update (11/20/13): I’m not sure if this is of interest to anyone, but I received this solicitation and agreed to post it. Consider it useful until early December, 2013:

Now Casting: People Looking For Missed Love Connections!

Do you believe that your one true love is actually someone from your past? Do you often think about “what could have been” with an old flame? Or perhaps someone that you met and felt the timing was off, but could have blossomed under different circumstances? Do you dream of reuniting with a high school or college boyfriend or girlfriend, but don’t know where to find them? Was there a person that you had a steamy vacation tryst with, but have never been able to track down?

If so, we want to hear from you! A major production company is casting for people who dream of working with an expert to make a love (re)connection with someone from their past. To learn more or refer a friend, please email us at MissedConnectionsCasting@gmail.com and a Casting Producer will be in touch ASAP.

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13,472 Responses to “Reuniting With Your First Love…on the Net”

  1. Uh oh says:

    I’m having a hard time with this. You saw each other for the first time across the room (in school no less) ….and as soon as you got within reach of each other you grabbed the other and began kissing passionately? Wow.

  2. EYES ROLLING says:

    JOHN

    So are you stuck wanting to be with her and her with you but only distance is keeping you apart?

    You are both single and yet one or both refuse to make a change for the sake of your love for each other.

    Change is inevitable and we are stuck in the mud if we can’t lift out feet out for something so important.

    The description of your lovemaking could have been left out of your tale. Why do we need to know you have a flat stomach? Too much information and too funny.

    Anyway, you must be torn by the connection or you wouldn’t be here but I am wondering if she doesn’t want a long distance relationship, then why do you want one and if you reached new consciousness, isn’t that enough to warrant a move? Nothing would stop me.

  3. Have Faith says:

    I’m not sure if my eyes are rolling or if my stomach is turning (hope I don’t get censored for that) but I agree – that was far too much info!

    Considering that she isn’t that interested in continuing your relationship, perhaps her version of events varies slightly. Sometimes, it seems, we can be presented with alternative facts in a situation.

    John, I’m not sure if your post was meant as a joke or if you are a real person…but most people don’t include details like weight and height in these types stories, so I am skeptical.

  4. For you a thousand times over says:

    Have Faith..

    ” Alternative facts” lol..that phrase has now taken a life of its own. Thank you for the laugh..I was really having a difficult time with the reality of that post and what does any of that have to do with this site. All that was, was a hook up – ; The whole post was in poor taste, real or not.

  5. Have Faith says:

    For you 1000 times

    I learned about ‘alternative facts’ long ago…but I didn’t call them by that name then. Lol
    I think many people who are married to spouses who regularly lie and gaslight have always known about alternative facts, or as my ex used to put it “it’s not a lie if it’s my perception” and ” if I can’t remember that event and you can, then you must be making it up”. There’s always some kind of spin they can put on it.

    I think you are right about the reality of John’s post…I am a person who will give most people the benefit of the doubt, but I can’t imagine why someone would post the kind of information that he did. I think it’s probably a joke, perhaps just done to encourage others to post. If so, it did work.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Maybe that’s what it’s like for most men when they ‘hook up’ with an ex, the promise of sex with an ex, what man wouldn’t fancy a bit of that? They can have the best of both worlds. Maybe it’s just women who invest too much emotionally in these dramas, desperately wanting a fairy tale romance.

  7. True Love says:

    I sometimes think men are more romantic than women, so I dont know about that theory, anonymous. I’m a woman by the way. I remember reading one of the articles by Dr. Kalish that said, in general, men have a more difficult time than women in getting over a lost love relationship. I don’t think men are less romantic or less emotional than women, but I think they have been conditioned by society to hide those feelings.

  8. Down the Rabbit Hole says:

    My first love was emotionally devastated when we broke up, the depth of which I didn’t fully appreciate until our reconnection. I knew, to some level, he took it very hard, but in my naivety I thought it was fleeting. It wasn’t. So I agree with those who say men can be as emotional or more so than some women. Oh how I wish I had fully appreciated how sensitive and caring he was. Now I get it. Too late.

    I thought John’s post read like a romance novel. Perhaps that was his or her’s point, that we are somehow hopeless romantics living outside of reality. Hard to say unless he or she cares to comment further.

  9. Just Once says:

    I haven’t posted here in quite a while, but I wanted to come back and post a little story and a song that I believe a lot of you will really like. I don’t know if any of you remember me, but I do see a few familiar names here. I first posted here on August 29, 2014, desperately looking for others who felt the same way I did – hopelessly in love with my long lost first love. We met in high school and were together for almost three years, we split up and we both moved on – relationships, marriages, kids, and divorce, and through all that time, I never forgot her, not for a minute. At the time of my first post, it had been 28 years since she had left me, and I was still in love with her as much as I had been the day she left me.

    After posting here, many people warned me not to do it, not to reach out to her as it would only lead to more problems and heart break, but at the urging of one poster here, I did it. I sent her a message through LinkedIn, and she responded almost immediately. After a few weeks of messages, texts and finally a phone call, we met for coffee on July 11, 2015, and we fell right back in love all over again. She pulled up next to my car and smiled at me through her car window, and I knew. We got out of our cars and she hugged me so tight I almost fell over. I couldn’t believe it was really her! I fell completely in love with her again right then and there. Today makes exactly 19 months since that coffee meet, and it’s been the best 19 months of my life. We live together now, and are planning to be married in the next year or so.

    I didn’t come here to brag about this, but to share my story and let others know that the feelings you have for your FL’s are NOT false or wrong, it’s love, plain and simple. I am so glad that I reached out to her, and all of you should to. That’s certainly not to say that your story will turn out like ours has, but it’s better to regret something you did than something you never tried.

    On another note, before reaching out to her, I had always searched for a song that perfectly summed up my feelings for her, and could never quite find the right one, until now. I wish I had heard this song before we had reunited, because it says everything I would have said to her at any point in the 28 years we were apart. It’s “This Town” by Niall Horan (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ic1l36GrNOU). I wanted to share it here for those of you who may not have heard it yet. If you find this song as perfect as I did, then sent it to your FL and let them know how you feel. Let them know that if the whole world were watching, you’d still dance with them. Let them know they still make you nervous, that they still give you butterflies. That it all comes back to them. Let them know you love them. It IS possible. Tell them, before it’s too late.

    Good luck to you all.

    – Just Once

  10. Down the Rabbit Hole says:

    Just Once: I am over the moon happy for you! I wish my FL could read your post. This was great timing as I have been sad lately thinking of all the time we continue to lose not being together. Gives me renewed hope. 🙂

  11. For you a thousand times over says:

    Just Once..

    How lucky are you to have had this go right for both of you, it truly makes me happy to hear your story. Right place right time for both of you!
    I’ve been listening to that song for a few months, it sends tears down my cheeks every time I hear it. It happened again this afternoon. Unfortunately I was on a date with this really sweet guy and we were just talking and having coffee. I am finally forcing myself to go out and try to date…well that song was bad timing and i tried to drown out the song,but no luck. I was so embarrassed I mumbled something stupid and changed the subject…
    It’s so difficult to try and move on when you know there is only one person your heart belongs to…but I have to keep on trying. Maybe there’s someone out there that can help lessen the pain of never having what was once yours ever again.
    Thank you for your story, it was beautuful!

  12. Have Faith says:

    Just once,
    It’s nice to hear a success story here. Congratulations! I went back and read your initial post in Aug. 2014, and I thought you said you were still married at that time. Did you separate from your wife before or after meeting with your FL? Do you think your FL played a part in the separation, or were there existing problems in the marriage? I hope you don’t mind me asking, I’m always curious about how this FL connection has affected other people’s lives.

  13. Longtimegone says:

    55+ years………that’s how long since contact with FL. Too late in life for much time for us being together. But is is fun to reconnect and recall how sadly it ended for us. The feelings are still there after over half a century. How sad for both of us.

  14. RS says:

    Longtimegone.
    I can relate to your statement…..It is now 46 years later and I am married to my caring and loving wife over 40 years. I was awakened to the first love attraction which I have repressed for the entire time now it seems as if it were yesterday,,,,,, it all begin with reading her husbands obit last year. I was overwhelmed with repressed memories to which I never I repeat never ever believed in. I am now torn as I do not want to hurt anyone as a result of my feelings mostly my wife and our great family…….I feel so fricken sad and consumed all the time. One day at a time..

  15. Aretha says:

    Same here Longtimegone it’s now 49 years since we broke up and 6 years past since we got back in contact through social media. We will never be together I’m nearly sure of that now for we are too old – how I wish I had left my husband a long time ago and not wasted my life staying married to a thankless, unloving, non-provider of a narcissistic man.

  16. RS says:

    Aretha…..i am sorry regarding your life experience I hope you do something with your circumstance as life is way too short to remain in that situation. Including being single if that is what needs to happen.
    May I ask did your FL contact you or you him?

  17. Aretha says:

    I contacted him and he replied immediately. It was lovely going over old times and sharing photos, memories etc. It was sad to find out that both of us ended up in unhappy marriages – he did leave his ex wife. Although he never says I know there is someone else in his life now and he never asks about my husband for he knows the way things are. We have a first love/lost love fondness for each other that is special but no way will I spoil anything for him.

  18. Anonymous says:

    Hi I do love a good old love story ☺️ I to have a first love that I have recently reconnected with, we we’re 16 years old went to the same school we we’re each other’s firsts in every area we lasted for six years but sadly separated over his parents trying to control me “I lived with them” anyway in that time I marryed and had two kids and he to went and had two kids both of us had stayed with the same partner since we had separated untill two years a go when he met his now girlfriend who is a lot younger then him who he claimes he is very unhappy with has she has no kids and doesn’t get the hole parenting thing so she makes his life very hard, so after 13 years we have found each other again we both like the same things, we have the same sense of humor enjoy the same foods, we are preety much to peas in a pod and have both decided that again we would be great together, I have never stopped loving this man I had always felt like he was the one and that one day even if it was when we we’re dead we would be together again it was a feeling so strong that I could never fight it off, it was always there no matter what! I new in my heart i’d never love that way again not even my husband who I ended up leaving because I just couldn’t feel the way I hoped for him I tryed I really did after all I had his kids but my heart I had already giving and it was sad because it stopped me ever been able to move on in a way.

    So here’s my problem my first love is still with his girlfriend they have just recently moved in together “before our contact ” and they also work for the same company he has asked me to wait for him whilst he sorts his life out has he knows he doesn’t want to be with her and that he’s very sure I am the one for him. we have met up three times first two we’re for no more then half hour has he was passing by whilst working and the 3rd was a actual date, we haven’t slept together has I said I would not do that whilst he still had a girlfriend and he understood and agreed…but Heres my concern I don’t know if he will leave her he can not afford the rent on his own for his rented house which he needs for his two kids he has weekends ect the car they have is in her name and they both work together even tho there not marryed and she isn’t the mother of his kids he still has a lot of ties with her and I’m worryed I wait and he doesn’t leave her and he rips my heart out. I need a bit of advice please what should I do this is my man only thing is I don’t have him his heart but not him

  19. Down the Rabbit Hole says:

    Anonymous: I have more questions than answers for you. How long are you willing to wait? If your love can’t meet your time line expectations, can you move on and be happy without him?

    Your situation sounds way more hopeful than some of us. You are both technically available, even though he has a serious girlfriend. He has asked for time to work through financial and other issues. The real question is how much time can you give him? Do you trust him?

    My FL is married, as am I. He won’t leave his wife for reasons I understand and accept. So we continue to love from afar, unsure of what life will hold for us. I can’t imagine being with anyone else and so I accept our situation for what it is.

  20. JenniferH says:

    This forum used to be quite popular a year or two ago. I wonder why everyone stopped posting?

  21. Lost in time says:

    They all went to a private facebook group to talk there.

  22. Anonymous says:

    I don’t think there is much participation in the facebook group now. I used to belong to that group at one time and I stopped participating in it a while back. It appears that most people have left that group now. Maybe everyone resolved their issues and they no longer need to post? I see there are still quite a few visits to this page each day, so maybe some new people will show up.

  23. Magical Thinker says:

    I still look in once a week or so, but I stopped posting bc I feel like I don’t have anything new to say. Some things have changed/improved in my situation, but the overall picture is still the same. I’m in an unhappy marriage, I’ve never loved him as much as I loved my FL. I don’t know how much of that is bc of the kind of marriage we’ve had – I can’t say with certainty that I would still love my FL as much as I do if my relationship with my husband had been different. But I do know that what I have with my FL isn’t just nostalgia. We have a real connection, and I don’t doubt that if we ever talk or see each other again it will still be there. But I’m not available. I have to figure my marriage out, first and foremost. I’m really starting to see that it’s over, for reasons unrelated to my FL, at least for me. But my husband still uses my feelings as a reason to punish and take out his anger on me. Before he had other “reasons” to behave disrespectfully towards me, and I’m trying to give him a chance to work on himself and make real changes. Whether that happens remains to be seen, but I don’t have much hope. By now, so much damage has been done, I don’t think we can move on together. We’ve hurt each other too much. I think about my FL a lot; I hope he’s doing well. I didn’t know there was also a private FB group, but I’m not interested. I think the best way to deal with this longing and sadness is to acknowledge its presence, but not dwell in it. I’ve been finding other ways to channel my focus and passion. I’ve become active in social justice movements, I’m concentrating on being really present for my little kiddos, and I’m setting boundaries for myself with others and really working on being honest and true to myself and my values. If my FL and I have a future, I believe the best way to have it is once I’m really strong and healthy and happy with myself. If I go with my gut the rest will work itself out. Wishing everyone good health and hope, we all deserve real love!

  24. Carla says:

    I recently reconnected with a lost love and he had replied to me. I am in the weird stage of should I continue messaging or stop. But thinking about stoping makes me really, really sad. While thinking about and waiting for his next message gives me hope and happiness. I am married and he is also married. Don’t know much about his situation with wife, since we have not shared that info. I fantasy of seeing him again. It has been 33 years since last time we saw each other and we live about 2000 miles apart. I am curious if he is the same 23 year old I knew. I don’t have that clear yet.

  25. Aretha says:

    It would be a shame to stop messaging now after you were the one who got in touch and he did reply.

  26. Carla says:

    I am just afraid that my expectations are far greater than reality. Reality really depends on his feed back and progression of what I started and he so willingly corresponded. We are not even close to an admission of feelings, regrets or anything of that nature. It is just like testing the waters and feeling each other’s state of mind. Very primitive perhaps, but we are being cautious and conservative. Don’t know where this is going to take us. All I know is that i have never felt this way before.

  27. Green with envy says:

    Carla my advice is to be prepared for the greatest heartbreak and the greatest ride of your life.
    These relationship rarely go well.

  28. Magical Thinker says:

    Carla, no one can tell you what to do, but I will tell you what I told a good friend when she confided in me that she had gotten in touch with her FL. First off, if you love your husband and your marriage is relatively happy and stable, this is a probably a bad idea. How do you feel when you think about your spouse finding out? For me, when I first connected with my FL, a friend told me to stop, saying she could never hurt her husband that way. My marriage was in such a state of disrepair, I didn’t care what it would do to him IF he ever found out (and I thought I could keep it a secret, which was idiotic – they ALWAYS find out). Which leads me to: if your marriage is rocky and you’ve been thinking it’s over, deal with that first.

    Honestly, these relationships cause so much heartache and pain if one or both parties is married. It’s hard to say don’t do it, bc I’m so glad that I could comfirm that what we had was real, and I hadn’t overhyped it in my head or shaded it with rose-colored glasses. But at the same time, not being able to be with someone you love is extraordinarily painful, and if you aren’t prepared for the havoc it can wreak in your marriage and family, then it’s best to take a deep breath and step back. I know how hard it is to stop – it may be practically impossible, especially in the heady early days of reconnection. But here I am, nearly two years into this ride (what a great way to describe it Green w/ Envy), and while I can’t say I’d definitely change anything, looking back, there’s a lot I could have done differently. Good luck, I hope it all turns out right for you!

  29. Anonymous says:

    Well said ‘Green with envy’

    Seriously the most stupid thing I’ve done, 2 1/2 years of intense contact then periods of no contact which drive me crazy. I should know better at my age and I’m the one who dumped him many years ago!

  30. Red with Rage says:

    Green, it sounds as though you have a lot of experience in “these relationships”.. . Is it personal or have you done extensive reading on this topic?

    Carla, if you love your husband and are happy with your life, then don’t continue to communicate with your lost love, unless your feelings toward him are strictly platonic. At this point in time you have no idea at all if he still carries feelings for you, so any speculation at present time is premature.

    My experience in all this has been that these relationships don’t destroy a healthy marriage. I also think that there are many different factors involved in these reconnection stories so it’s impossible to compare one story to another. Some people will deliberately search out lost loves in hopes of starting an affair. Some people,who would never consider an affair, are guilt ridden to discover that they still have feelings for their LL. When you realize that your LL also has feelings for you, it can be emotionally overwhelming.

    The first thing to consider is your marriage. If you are unhappy; figure out what is wrong and if it can be fixed.If you haven’t already done a lot of soul searching on this, this will take quite some time to figure it out.

    Don’t expect any part of this situation it to be easy.

  31. Green with envy says:

    6 years worth of experience. Still the highest highs and the lowest lows. My FL wife just found out she has uterine cancer. Now ‘we’ are riding that roller coaster of ups and downs and yes, I am in this right along with them. I am the secret he keeps and I see everything in their marriage, even things she doesn’t see.
    These relationships aren’t easy or even fun most of the time.

  32. Carla says:

    Thank you all of you. Your comments are so meaningful and right on, it is amazing how this phenomenon is not as rare as I thought. I am going through the Silence hole again waiting for his message replying to my childish message. I guess I was so desperate due to his lack of responses lately that impulsively I made a fool out of myself. Red with Rage, I don’t even know if he has feelings for me really. He was probably just being nice and polite for all I know. I’ll probably never find out. Thank you guys again. I’ll keep you posted for sure.

  33. Red with Rage says:

    Green
    I assume that is a typo in your post and you meant your FLs wife has cancer, and its not YOUR wife who has cancer.
    In which case it sounds as though you have been having an affair with your FL for the last 6 years.

    I have to ask- if you find the relationship to be neither easy or fun, why do you not end it? Clearly your FL has no intention of leaving his wife, so you must be satisfied being his mistress, or you would have left him by now.

  34. Green with envy says:

    Red

    If you haven’t been on this site long or have not been in one of these relationships then you probably don’t understand.
    No contact is the hardest part of having a relationship like this. We are best friends and we talk every day of the week. Seeing each other is now secondary to the friendship part. We still do but it isn’t the primary focus for us.
    Most, not all, on this site are having or face having affairs outside of their marriage. It is why there is conflict and why people seek out this site. Either their FL or they or both are married and they want to know what to do. They want to know if it’s possible to find success in these relationships.
    These relationships are considered sacred in ways other relationships are not. Having an affair is not the same with your FL as it is meeting a random person. Most will tell you that they never considered an affair before reconnecting with their FL. They don’t think of it as the same thing. Justified.
    These relationships provide something more. It is the ultimate unconditional relationship but it isn’t without sacrifice. Unconditional comes at a price sometimes. They are neither fun or easy but that doesn’t mean they don’t hold value.
    I do not consider myself his mistress. He doesn’t either. We are best friends and we love each other in a very ultimate way. It is the best of the best but also sacrificial.
    I trust him and he trusts me. Whatever happens to us remains to be seen but neither of us wants to stop communicating. We can’t.

  35. Red with Rage says:

    Actually I do have some experience in reconnecting with a lost love, which is why I’m on this site. I have been reading here for a long time , I haven’t seen your name before so I imagine you have posted under a different name previously, as have I.

    No one “faces” having an affair. Having an affair is a choice . An affair is a series of actions, each action being a deliberate choice. You make it sound as if an affair with a lost love is inevitable and unstoppable – it isnt. We all have the ability to control our actions. What we don’t have the ability to control are our feelings. We can’t stop loving someone just because we are married to someone else, but just because we have feelings doesn’t mean we have to have an affair. There is no way to “justify “an affair. You can justify leaving a marriage, but you can’t justify an affair.

    You don’t consider yourself to be his mistress, but technically you are. And judging by the name you’ve chosen ‘Green with envy” you don’t sound pleased to be in the position you are now in. At least that is how I interpreted that name.

    I completely understand the need to communicate with a FL.. however communication is not an affair.

  36. Don't hold back says:

    We choose to love someone. Feelings aren’t uncontrollable. Love is a choice just like an action is.

  37. Down the Rabbit Hole says:

    Red & Green:

    FL and I communicate almost every day although we have had no physical contact for more than 2 years. Because our conversations are intimate in nature, technically they are considered cheating by many, at least on an emotional level. It is hard for both of us, and yet we can’t seem to let go because we are connected in such a deep and profound way. Best of friends, complete trust, and finally the ability to communicate in ways we were unable to in our youth.

    Do I feel guilt? Yes. Should I leave my marriage? Probably. My spouse was never in the marriage emotionally, which I finally understood when FL and I reconnected. The years of emotional neglect and abuse have taken a toll. I am finally recovering with the help of my FL. Even if we are never together, I now understand what a loving relationship is.

  38. Red with Rage says:

    Don’t hold back
    That’s not true. We don’t choose our feelings – we choose our actions. If you really think feelings are a choice then you don’t understand what emotions are.

    Try to stop loving someone you love, or try to love someone you don’t love. It’s just not possible if you are true to yourself. It’s possible to fake emotions, it’s possible to continue to stay married to someone and remain committed to them and care about them but to no longer love them.

  39. Outbound says:

    Love is definitely a choice. I have been in enough counseling to know that. We have a choice to love our spouse or not and they have a choice to love us or not.

  40. Red with Rage says:

    Commitment is definitely a choice. Love is not if we define love as an emotion. If we define love as the “action” of treating someone in a loving way, then it is a choice. Therefore we can still treat someone in a loving way, but not feel as though we love them. You may not understand this unless you have lived like this.

    Ask Green if love is a choice…because if it is a choice she would then make the choice to end her affair and instead choose an available man .

  41. Anonymous says:

    If love were only a choice we would not be posting here. If it were a choice we could day to ourselves “it’s a bad choice to love him/her while I’m married to someone else, so I will make the choice to stop loving them.”

    Then it would all be easy and simple. …but as we’ve heard it’s neither.

  42. Out of my flippin bird says:

    I agree with Red, if youre true to yourself you cannot force love. I dont think theres a such thing as forcing yourself to love someone. Either you do, or you dont. Love isnt a choice we make, its what we feel. We do have the choice to stay with our spouse/signifigant other, BUT it doesnt mean we love them. Alot of factors make you choose to stay…..money, kids, sickness, etc. Those things dont equal love.

  43. neverends says:

    Wow I have not checked this site in a very long time and don’t recognize any names but had to jump in on this. I agree with Red. My feelings are not a “choice”. My actions are a choice. From the moment I met FL, I loved him. After all these years I have accepted I always will. We reconnected 5 years ago and now although he lives very far away, we keep in touch on and off via email. It is a friendship now. We are both married and I imagine that is where it will stay. My feelings for him are real and not something I can remove so to me, there is not a choice in those deep seated feelings.

  44. Carla says:

    I am not a masochist, I did not choose to suffer, to cry, to spend hundreds of sleepless nights and to lose myself in despair. I did not choose to continue wanting him, adoring him, missing him, resenting him and forgiving him. No, love is not a choice.

  45. Red with Rage says:

    I think love could best be described as a combination of feeling and choice.

    I’ve read a lot of articles claiming that love is a choice, and everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I think common sense shows that love is not strictly choice. Isn’t this something poets and wtiters have known since, well, ….forever?

    Can you imagine a Dear John letter that says ” I’m leaving you because I choose to stop loving you”. Lol

  46. wifey says:

    my husband left me and our grown up son for one of these relationships and I as a a wife can tell you its devastating. That is all Ill say You people should wait and do things the right way . Don’t contact the other person if they are married and married men who contact women should be ashamed of themselves.

  47. Dr Who says:

    Carla,

    You chose to suffer. You can choose to not fall victim to crying and sleepless nights and despair. Those are actions and they are not his fault but your choice.

    I went to a counselor about my choosing to let this relationship take over my life like it did. I found out that ultimately, I was responsible for how I feel every day. If I want to cry and be miserable, I can and that’s on me. We do have choices.

    You can put yourself into your marriage and make it work by choosing to and you can love someone based on a lot of different things like sharing children and years of marriage. That’s your choice. You can also say I am not wasting any more time loving someone who doesn’t love me back. That’s a choice.

  48. Red with Rage says:

    It’s not true that we CHOOSE to suffer . Some pepole are put into positions thru no fault of their own that cause them to suffer.. think of situations where children are living with abuse. Saying that someone chooses to suffer is putting blame on that person , who for all you know Dr. Who, may be a victim of abuse . The fact is we don’t know all the details of someone’s situation and therefore can’t judge them based on a few small pieces of information. I don’t like to make assumptions without knowing all the facts.

  49. Running out of time says:

    Wifey,

    What do you consider is doing things the right way? What would have been a better scenario for you?

    I am curious. Thank you for sharing.

  50. Red with Rage says:

    I didn’t get to finish my post earlier. ..I wanted to add that though we all suffer from losses and emotions such as grief as inevitable for us all at some points in our lives…we can learn to get past the pain and grief and be happy again. The length of time it takes to accept the loss and move on will vary for each of us, but it is possible. In fact it’s necessary to do so in order to live a happy life.

    We all suffer- it’s inevitable, but we don’t suffer because we CHOOSE to suffer. Sometimes we just don’t yet know how to stop suffering.

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