Reuniting With Your First Love…on the Net

They say that you never forget your first love. And with the exception of yours truly, who would rather stick his tongue in a bear trap than even think about his high school girlfriend, many look back on their first romances with fond feelings. Although not everyone thinks of that relationship for more than a passing moment or so, some must wonder what it would be like to rekindle the romance they had when they were teenagers or college-aged.

Suppose for a minute that you could. What would that be like?

As of 2003, Dr. Nancy Kalish had studied over 2,000 “lost love” relationships. She said that three-quarters of first loves who reunite years later decide to stay together, even when the reunion begins as an adulterous affair. Normally, most marriages that begin as affairs terminate. How are these people reconnecting and why would the relationship work at a later date?

The web, of course, is where most of these meetings begin. When Dr. Kalish was doing her research in the early 2000’s, the most popular site for finding people from the past was Classmates.com. At that time, the site found that 36 percent of respondents had used the net to look up or contact a former significant other. And Dr. Kalish stated in an interview with the Boston Globe that while many people begin their search as simple curiosity, affairs can escalate quickly *. The interviewer, Carey Goldberg, noted an anonymous respondent from Dr. Kalish’s research to highlight this point:


“It’s like you’re falling in love all over again,” she said. Her first boyfriend found her on the web, and before she knew it, she was obsessed, and then lying to her husband, and then sexually unfaithful, and then caught by her husband – who, to her continuing gratitude, stuck with her instead of divorcing her.

Dr. Kalish brings up a very interesting point: “therapists tend to underestimate the powerful nature of such old loves, especially first loves. As a result, they tend to tell such patients that their feelings for their re-found loves are based on fantasy and that they can find the same feelings in their own marriages if they only try. But that fails to take into account that reunited lovers really do know and love each other, and a first love, in particular, remains unique. This is not about sex, it is not about the spouse or the marriage, it is not a midlife crisis,” she said. “The reunion is a continuation of a love that was interrupted.”

Carey Goldberg notes some research indicates that a teenager may attach specifically to a first lover in much the same way as a baby attaches to a mother. This hypothesis was given by Dr. Linda Waud, a Psychologist who wrote her dissertation on three reunited couples.

“There is an actual neurological attachment that happens between these individuals,” she said, “and that’s why it’s enduring and it never leaves your mind. It’s there forever and ever.” Interestingly, Dr. Waud herself reconnected with a long-lost love after 35 years apart.

In her in-depth interviews of the three couples, she noted that they had unusually intense sexual connections, which made her posit that sexual attachment may work with the same kind of specificity as baby-mother attachment.

Although a dissertation with only three couples makes generalization extremely difficult, she is onto something. I’ve made the very mistake that Dr. Kalish pointed out: that the former love is simply a fantasy and that one’s current relationship can satisfy this new need. And this is coming from someone who is not only a product of divorce, but someone who also spends most of his days thinking about why marriages fail, so I obviously thought I had some weight behind my advice. After I was wrong not once but three times with clients who ultimately chose to leave their marriage for their high school sweethearts, I had to rethink my position. There’s a possibility for a permanent footprint in your brain when it comes to your first love.
What does this mean for current relationships? With Facebook now in complete control of the human race, more and more people are reconnecting. Many will get back in touch with old flames, possibly their very first romance. Depending on how those conversations go – and yes, of course many of them will be simple hello’s and good-bye’s – casual chat may turn into flirtation, then a discussion about status and availability. And when the relationship moves from Facebook to IM to text to telephone and then to personal contact, the attachment that Dr. Waud talks about has perhaps manifested itself in a true rekindling of the romance, with much more backing than any affair could produce. For some, decisions will need to be made. If married, do I leave for what might be really ‘the one?’ Or do I stay and honor what I’ve agreed to while relinquishing what my mind had perhaps bonded to years ago?

Unfortunately I don’t have the answer to that question and I’m pretty sure that we could get a 50/50 breakdown if we asked enough people. Every person in this spot will need to answer it, however. And from what I’ve seen in my practice, it’s an agonizing choice, especially when the current relationship is at least somewhat satisfying. So essentially I’m along for the ride as people decide what is in their best interests as well as the other parties involved. This can take months, perhaps years, to weigh out the pros and cons, the practical and emotional changes involved in life-altering decisions like these, the risks involved in making the ‘wrong’ choice. In other words, watching a client grapple with a problem like this is very difficult to watch. Even if you think you know the right choice, you can’t give it to the client. He or she truly has to come to it via the self. It can’t be spoon fed. Some will leave their families and begin new lives with a former love, usually with a large amount of guilt. Others will stay put and feel that permanent imprint tugging at them. Either way, it’s not a particularly envious position in which to be.

If you enjoyed this piece please consider giving your blessing to my Facebook Fan Page. Thank you.

* I’d link to this specific article, written by Carey Goldberg, but it’s archived and you have to pay to read it. Hit up Globe.com if my piece doesn’t summarize it sufficiently for you or if you don’t mind spending the fee.

Related Post: Reuniting With Your First Love…On the Net (Revisited)

Update (11/20/13): I’m not sure if this is of interest to anyone, but I received this solicitation and agreed to post it. Consider it useful until early December, 2013:

Now Casting: People Looking For Missed Love Connections!

Do you believe that your one true love is actually someone from your past? Do you often think about “what could have been” with an old flame? Or perhaps someone that you met and felt the timing was off, but could have blossomed under different circumstances? Do you dream of reuniting with a high school or college boyfriend or girlfriend, but don’t know where to find them? Was there a person that you had a steamy vacation tryst with, but have never been able to track down?

If so, we want to hear from you! A major production company is casting for people who dream of working with an expert to make a love (re)connection with someone from their past. To learn more or refer a friend, please email us at MissedConnectionsCasting@gmail.com and a Casting Producer will be in touch ASAP.

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13,440 Responses to “Reuniting With Your First Love…on the Net”

  1. Hot Mess Nest says:

    @Down the Rabbit Hole – What I meant by saying that path is bulls*** is that no such path exists that doesn’t cause great pain. Pain for my husband, my son, my FL and myself. May be I’m just feeling very pessimistic these days, but all options feel extremely painful. The age of the writers on this board has not been lost on me. We’re in our mid-thirties, for your info. I fear waiting another 10, 15, 20 years only to realize that our moment to be together will never arrive.

    @Have Faith – Yeah. I know. I KNOW! It’s messed up to say those things about my husband. If you read what I wrote above, you’ll see I’m not without love for him. But my respect and faith in him is all but gone. The short reason is that he never left his mother. She controls many aspects of our marriage and my husband makes decisions from a place of fear… fear of upsetting a woman who has blind hatred of me, and is mentally unstable. He needs professional help to get her hooks out of him, and it won’t be easy. It might be impossible. If he can do it, and create boundaries to protect our family, our marriage would perhaps be fixable.

  2. Have Faith says:

    Hot Mess

    I can tell you from experience that lack of respect is the root of contempt …and those who are on the receiving end of disrespect and contempt will never be happy.

    I spent over 25 years with a husband who was disrespectful…and I’m not saying this to be mean, but if we don’t respect our partners our marriage will never stand a chance. If your husband puts his mother ahead of you (another serious issue ) you have disrespect on both sides. And then you mention that you are not especially compatible with each other….do you think any amount of counselling will fix that?

  3. Hot Mess Nest says:

    “do you think any amount of counseling will fix that?”

    @Have Faith – I don’t know the answer to that question. At this point I can only say I’m committed to finding out.

  4. Down the Rabbit Hole says:

    Hot Mess & Have Faith:

    I don’t see contempt in your description of your marriage, Hot Mess. Sure, the mother in law issue is potentially serious but not insurmountable if the spouse makes an effort to put his wife first. This was also an issue in my marriage to a much lesser degree and became self-limiting when we relocated early in our marriage. My mother in law was also a good person, but co dependent on kids to compensate for an absent emotionally vacant husband (I figured this out MUCH later on). I watched as she lay on her death bed, emotionally broken and angry as she learned shortly before about the level of deceit and deception perpetrated during her marriage.

    Like you, Have Faith, I experienced contempt and a repeat of the father in law’s habits to boot over most of the marriage. This causes lasting damage that is difficult to overcome. I don’t sense that level of issues with Hot Mess. Maybe I am wrong.

    Hot Mess, I hope you can work through your issues.

  5. Have Faith says:

    Hot Mess

    I didn’t write that to make a case for or against any certain scenario. And the question was rhetorical, only. But what I have noticed, over my time reading the posts here, is that people tend to focus on everything BUT the real issues.

    The real issues are these: what makes YOU happy? How does your partner treat you? If you aren’t happy, why? Are you treating your partner with respect? Can you trust each other?

    Those are the kinds of things we should be thinking about. Not about things that happened 25 years ago (unless it relates to current curcumstances) not about superficial little details, not about the typos in our posts and our kindle accounts. And that may not make sense to you, Hot mess, but those are the kinds of things I have noticed often dominate the conversations here.

    People are scared to.look at the real issues. People are scared to speak the truth. Here, and often elsewhere.
    Just my opinion.

  6. Have Faith says:

    DTRH

    When I hear a statement such as “it was actually nice to see my husband have some balls “, to me the implication is that she thinks her husband has “no balls “, which I would take as an insult. I’m assuming a man may feel even more insulted by that comment than a woman. I think if I heard someone describe their husband as having no balls, I would take it as contempt.

    Also alarming, is that she seemed to think her husband was doing a good thing in confronting her FL, and in her eyes that action elevated his status.

    My opinion is that when you “fight” over a person, you are treating that person like a piece of property. Jealousy and possessiveness is not love…it’s an immature reaction and it doesn’t address the real issues at all .

  7. 20:20 says:

    Hello, Hot Mess Nest

    I just wanted to chime in here and say that I find that when a man fights for who and what he wants, it makes a real STATEMENT. Your husband is proving to you that loves you and he values your marriage! I, for one, will be rooting for you and your husband. Don’t give up on your marriage. Keep working on your relationship and tell your fl you want no more contact with him, and I’m sure it will all work out.
    Good luck!

  8. Hot Mess Nest says:

    Thanks, 20:20, I’m trying to remain hopeful myself, and I appreciate your encouragement. We have really great days where I feel like there might just be a shiny new “Marriage 2.0” on the other end of this, and then we have terrifying days (like today, actually) when I am in a state of despair.

    It’s been 1 week with no contact with my FL. I’m dealing with it privately, though not especially well. Maybe it would be easier if we had just reconnected randomly, but having to cut off someone who I’ve always had open communication with for 17 years is… ugh. I feel depressed. I’m grieving. I know you all know this feeling, and I somewhat know what to expect from reading so many comments here. I guess I’m just saying this to point out that grieving my FL while simultaneously going “all-in” on marriage counseling with my husband is a really screwed up juxtaposition that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

    I’m so, so sad. I suppose right now I could write myself in circles about whether or not I should do this, or that… whether or not there’s respect or contempt in my marriage, or whether or not my husband is going to fight for me. At this moment, none of it feels like it matters because all possible future realities look absolutely awful.

    Sorry to be the saddest person in the room. Know that I appreciate every perspective, every reply, and that each of you has given me something new to think about. Thank you.

  9. Aretha says:

    Hot Mess Nest I wish I had divorced in my thirties but here I am at 66 and still in a loveless marriage. When grandchildren come along there are more people to affect. I was trapped financially and my parents were dead so really there was no way out for me back then. Think hard about your future.

  10. For you a thousand times over says:

    From someone who was in a loveless marriage for almost 34 years.. I ask myself, why did I let it go on so long? All those years of my life wasted and I can’t get them back again. That, I still grieve.
    I believe that marriages are worth fighting for, that nothing is perfect..and I did try. There were the children, the house, the finances and there were many times that I said enough, I want out. But he didn’t want to go because he didn’t know how to live alone.
    I’m not going to say it was easy getting my wish, not at 63 years old. But looking back.. I should have tried harder to leave ..because my unhappiness affected not only me, but my kids and my family. Lesson learned to late, but at least I can say I’m at peace now, well with that part of my life…

  11. Aretha says:

    “For you a thousand times over” was it through death or the courage to leave? There is a saying “the devil looks after his own and god takes the best” so I guess there is not much point in me thinking I will maybe be a widow and free someday for the devil has looked after him well in the last 30+ years and god hasn’t been all that good to me with the loss of my much loved parents and so many financial worries that were of his making entirely. Little did I know when we took our vows in church that standing beside me, within 13 years I would find him to be nothing but a malingerer and Narcissist.

  12. For you a thousand times over says:

    Aretha, I had the courage to leave him many times, but he didn’t have the courage to be on his own, without me and his family. I rationalized not making him leave thinking that it would be better for everyone all around if I didn’t make him leave. Every one but me. And my unhappiness did have an effect on my family, my health, and quality of life.
    My ex was a sociopath and knew how to manipulate me and his kids and the women he would try to have affairs with. I finally realized the only way I could get rid of him, was to let him find someone that would take care of him. Fortunately for me, there are many desperate woman out there that would love to have a man in their lives, I just let him find one.
    And he did.. it happen to be his FL.. even though they only dated a few weeks, they see them selves as true love story.. lol.
    I was elated, but at the same time felt sorry for her. He told her he was a widow, he owned multiple businesses etc. She lived states away, and believed everything he told her. In the past I would interfere with these communications and let these dalliances know what a peice of crap he was.. but I’d had enough and just let this reach it’s peak and it worked.. he finally had the “courage” to leave me.
    I could never explain the relief I felt but at the same time, look at the path of destruction he left behind…. And knowing how much of it could have been avoided, if I just followed my heart from the beginning and not worried about everyone else..
    At least I know that going forward, I am making the life I dreamed of.

  13. Aretha says:

    Isn’t it strange how they don’t want to leave? When my lawyer sent him the divorce papers he just threw them in the bin. The sociopath or the narcissist weaves so many lies about their life to the outside world – sadly no woman has been taken in by my husband’s stories for them to take him off my hands.

  14. PleaseGodCanIBeWithLL says:

    @Down the Rabbit Hole, you wrote: Paralysis is safe and yet agonizing. Decisiveness is scary and brings other pains.

    So so so true!

  15. Still In It says:

    Hot Mess Nest – I think there are going to be good days and there will be bad as you and your husband work on your marriage; that’s just normal. You have the added struggle of losing your best friend and confidante to deal with as you move forward with your husband. My advice is take the time to grieve that loss and deal with it because I don’t believe there’s any. Icing forward while you’re always looking back.

    For those who are still stuck in loveless marriages, like Aretha, and those who feel they were stuck too long like For a Thousand Times Over, thank you for sharing because, although it seems trite- life is short – we all deserve happiness and joy.

    And, like Pleasse God, I too find Down the Rsbbit Hole’s words – Paralysis is safe and yet agonizing. Decisiveness is scary and brings other pains. – to be profound and they really resonate. No one wants to be near the end of their life and look back with regret at the things that might have been; the life that could have been lived. I think that once the choice is made the only way to go is forward and commit to making your choice work and to find that happiness within your heart because we are all responsible for our own happiness and peace of mind.

  16. Anonymous says:

    Re. The paralysis is safe quote.

    Its really fear that keeps us paralyzed. Sometimes once we make the decision to move , we find that it’s easier than we think. Ive never found decisiveness to be as scary as indecisiveness.

  17. Hot Mess Nest says:

    The last few weeks… what a blur.

    I still have no contact with FL.

    My husband is doing amazing work in counseling and at home. He’s said he will fight for our family and keep us together. He’s started thanking me for doing things around the house, and pitching in. He’s redefining his relationship with his abusive mother. He’s admitted that his family’s influence (and cult-like interpretation of Christianity) is unhealthy, and not appropriate for our son to grow up around. We’ve planned a trip overseas, are planning our future, and just generally starting to say “yes” to life again… together.

    All of this is so exciting and wonderful. I would have done backflips a year ago if this would have happened. I would have cried tears of joy because I thought it wasn’t possible for him to change.

    Why then, amidst all of this goodness, do I feel so sad? I cannot put my finger on that answer and it’s killing me. Maybe it’s that it’s new and that I don’t trust it. Maybe it’s too late and we’ve gone for too long disrespecting one another. Maybe I secretly want our marriage to fail. [Insert explanation here.]

    I’m starting to wonder if there’s something inherently wrong with me. If my husband can change and grow through this, why does it feel like I cannot?

    I will continue to give this the time it deserves in order to work, but damn. Every day and every week brings a new and unwanted feeling.

  18. Michelle says:

    i think all this reuniting!!! FL is just called LUST.

  19. Out of my flippin bird says:

    Michelle, I dont believe is LUST, I believe its REAL LOVE. But, Id love to hear your thoughts on why you think its lust. @Anonymous, I agree, its fear keeping us stuck. @Hot Mess, I really do feel for you, I hope it gets easier for you.

  20. Down the Rabbit Hole says:

    Hot Mess Nest:

    Speaking from experience, trust is very difficult to regain. It is not impossible though. You have something on your side that many of us do not…more time and a shorter past. My husband has turned over a new leaf since my no holds barred ultimatum issued a few years ago. That said, I still can’t trust completely because he fudges the truth. Not just with me but with others. I hear and see the contradictions.

    We have both been much more respectful to each other since then and overall our relationship is much better.

    So I can definitely relate to your situation. My issue is during that final straw, I left the marriage emotionally and fell in love with FL.

    My husband is a good man in many ways. Unfortunately, I can’t change his need to exaggerate and lie. Nor can I make him feel emotion he is not capable of. So I am trying to love the good and let go of what I can’t change. If the emotional abuse surfaces again, I will leave.

  21. Don't be so sure says:

    Michelle, this is far from lust. It’s totally different. Lust doesn’t last for years and years. You must be s jilted spouse.

  22. Anonymous says:

    DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

    How can a man who you describe as a liar also be a “good man”? The first description contradicts the second one.

  23. Down the Rabbit Hole says:

    Anonymous:

    We all have flaws.

  24. Can't see says:

    Everyone’s got something that is a flaw. She’s looking at what she knows is the good to maintain her marriage. 99.9% of the people here get it.

  25. Anonymous says:

    Down the rabbit hole
    A person who habitually lies has what is commonly referred to as a “fatal flaw”…so named because it’s pretty much impossible to have an intimate relationship with such a person. How can you have a normal relationship with a person you can’t trust? Their lies are used to cover things up and to inflate their extremely fragile ego. If you are interested in true crime stories then you may be aware of the histories of well known murderers , ..they are ALWAYS habitual liars.

  26. Gerry says:

    Can’t see
    I wonder how you know that 99.9% of the people here get this. You have no way to know what other people think or believe.

    I agree that we all have out flaws, but some flaws make it impossible to live peacefully with that person. If a person is untrustworthy it’s impossible to ever have a good relationship with them.

  27. Michelle says:

    my husband meet his fl for 40 years i can feel she had a love for him for years even now, my husband so honest with told me everything…she is flirting a lil bit but i went to her house and told her i dont like it what she says like talking about their old memories . my husband tell me everyhting at first i was mad then we talk about it and he told me i love her like a sister and if i love her i be with her..even tells me and show me text sms. but i keep my eye on her and i know if they talk or text coz i can looked them up on phone record but they dont talk. since i went talk to her she stop talking about old memories. i can see the love they have for each other but like my husband said that all gone they were young 15s. thats why i said is LUST if you wanted to be LUST.

  28. Michelle says:

    I went to depressed at first , we argue and he gets mad at me why i am mad he tells me about everything about anything if he wanted her he will not tell me but he loves me and he wont do anything and let her come within us.if he wanted her he said she will. but he cant to it he chance foe me, and he loves me and commited with me we been married 12 years. he said i just a love of a friend like a his bestfriend. she said its rare have a bestfriend a girl. they can talk about anything about everything. thats why at first i was jealous . his fl is flirting and i told him what i think and he said yeah a lil bit but if she ever touch me our showing something i will not be a friends with her again. i can see it on her for all this years she been married 3 times 2 youngin in 2 deffrent man and some man . she love my husband coz she told him she been keeping up whats going on his life for years. my husband said if i love her i been divorce i know where she live and why do i wanted her now why not before?? he said its just a love of a friend?

    what do you thinks guys? he been so good to me but im just going crazy about this fl woman. she is the one my husband fl.

  29. Down the Rabbit Hole says:

    Michelle, you are right to be concerned. Your husband is either in denial about this relationship or lying. Just my opinion. Is there a counselor you can see? Maybe suggest marriage counseling to your husband to work through this issue. Perhaps someone other than you to tell him this relationship is wrong and hurtful to you, will open his eyes.

  30. Down the Rabbit Hole says:

    Anonymous & Gerry:

    Yes, I know…hence my struggle with FL. If FL had been free or willing to leave his marriage 5 years ago, I would have left. My husband’s love has been conditional throughout our marriage. Until the last few years when he realized I was fed up.

    Now he tries very hard to make time for me and has stopped engaging in passive aggressive stonewalling (most of the time).

  31. Down the Rabbit Hole says:

    Anonymous & Gerry:

    And yes, our relationship will never be what it could or should be. Once I accepted that fact, I stopped agonizing about it. More importantly, I stopped trying to make it something it cannot be. That is a huge relief.

  32. Down the Rabbit Hole says:

    Anonymous
    Gerry

    And yes, our relationship will never be what it could or should be. Once I accepted that fact, I stopped agonizing about it. More importantly, I stopped trying to make it something it cannot be. That is a huge relief.

  33. Out of my flippin bird says:

    Michelle, as hard as your situation is, you cannot change how she feels, sorry. You said your husband has been honest with you, so TRUST him. Maybe speak with a counselor.

  34. Michelle says:

    To Down the Rabbit Hole: sometimes i wonder… but now not that bad before they friends again before i ever knew her he done told be he married his x wife because his fl got pregnant when they broke up they been of and on relationship when they were 16 .. she got pregant and ddnt work she come back 7 months pregnant come back want to met him and he did met her he still love her but he told him that day he cant be with her and move on with her life he cant raise somebody else child coz he was young. After that they become good friends and he was hurt and married his x wife . Even if he is married he still seeing her talk sometime bring his boy play with her girls. He told me she is the only woman he love . And one day i look on fb and its my fault i add her and onsay she posted some on fb a missing person and my husband told me to sms her to call him he want to ask her who that oeraon was. She call about a second after a year she text my husband asking if her husband can go hunting with him and he call back who is she coz we ddnt know she save his number and that started they talk and asking about what happen she cant remember how they ended together and he told her because she got pregnant he cant raised somebody else child. I was mad i told him she dont have to talk like that when she find out i was mad she told him that she will hates me fore that hell yah i was that the reason why i went to her house told her. The only thing she told me im happy for him he change alot he will not tell anyone he chance and we can be friend again. I husband was mad at me because i dint have faith on him i do t truth hkm he dont want to hide thing from me thats why he told me everthjng and im the only woman he told about everything he said if i love her i will be with her if i wanted her i will not twll you about anything and i will not trade you for 2 of her i love you and i love her the past thats when we are young and dumb. Since i went talk to her my husband said she chance she dont talk like before they alway open to one another talk about everthing. She is married and her husband and my husband hunt 2 years ago . They are just so close not talking every day its just when she want to ask something. Sometime i think i just think too much my husband said i have nothing to worry about he chance because of me and he been a good chistian now and been reading bible and the lord heal him feom running womans. I believe hin i can see on him i told him i was just scared he make a mistake and tempted he said i was crazy they just good friends and they know they cant cross that lines. Sometime i can feel i can see the love he have for him way back. We are friends too she even tell me he is so lucky and even told him too he was lucky to have me beautiful and a good woman. My husband is the only man in my life i told her i have never gave my self to him to we got married. I just dont trust her … what do you think? Do you think my husband still love her ? Thank you this is too long but this the only way i can get out my mind and get some advice.

  35. Hot Mess Nest says:

    Michelle,

    Yeah, I hate to say it, but it sounds like you have good reason to believe your husband is still in love with his FL. From what you’re saying, their relationship was cut short when they were very young, and they’ve maintained a very close relationship for most of their lives. That right there is all you need to know.

    If you don’t still love your ex, you typically lose contact with them naturally. This FL business is a completely different animal. It never goes away.

    Also, what you said in your previous post really resonates with me because I have said very similar things to MY husband. I have told my husband that I am not “in love” with my FL when what I really mean is that I’m not going to sacrifice my marriage and my family to pursue my FL. I tell him this because I don’t want to break his heart, and because I honestly do want to work on our marriage and see it succeed. So I rationalize to myself that telling him this tiny lie is doing more good than bad.

    I’m not saying your husband and my situations are exactly the same because I don’t know him and I don’t know you. But in my situation, I am definitely still in love with my FL, but I also love my husband and my son, and I am CHOOSING to be with them. This requires no contact with my FL, which is hurting me a lot, but it’s what is necessary. Maybe your husband will come to that conclusion too.

    Best to you.

  36. Down the Rabbit Hole says:

    Michelle: I wouldn’t trust her. It sounds like your husband is sincere, but no one but you can make that determination. I think you should find a person you can discuss this with openly. A counselor would be a good start. None of us are qualified to give advice, only our opinions based on experience. Some of us have been lied to in our relationships and have trust issues. Obviously that will bias our opinions.

    For example, my husband would never admit to cheating even though I knew it was happening. So I tend to judge based on actions, not just words.

  37. Michelle says:

    thank you all…

    its helps alot… other thing he said he love her but thats past im older and wiser and i love you and my kids we have 2 boys. the only thing they talk is when she wants something or asking after that they wont talk to couple months but when they talk it kills me she is on my mines everyday since last year. when i went o depessed my husband was telling me you dont have to worry about anything i told you some stuff not mean anything i just using her for you to love me more. and i dont know what to believe … but in my heart i know he loves me and im wonder about him sometime. i keep to my self …last year i bought i recorder coz i know when she need something he will take it to her house sometime .so i put on recorder in the car i heared everything all they talk about is about dog and dog food stuff and when he left he told her IM GOT TO GO TO THE HOUSE AND LOVE YOU BE GOOD…AND NOTHING HUG OR SHE DDNT EVEN REPLY. i was thinking its a friend love and you know american always says that to a friend i love you. many that. im not american im a PHIlippine woman. i dont used to american but im leaning. one day i told him i called you one day and you accident hit green button you ddnt hung up and i heared everything why you tell her love you be good shes a damn old woman> he said i dont remember did i say that? i i said yes,. i wish i could play it for him maybe oneday. in my heart i can feel he still love her . i dont know i probobly thinking too much or just jealousy like he said thinking worry over nothing. he is a sweet old woman . im young he said 34 im older im wiser, you and my boys are my heart she never enters in my mind. i know when they talk even he tells me or not i know i have our phone record setup i can see you call or who text but they never talk after he help her. what i mean help her like her husband is have a cancer she help him buy some for him asking my husband to her get them. the only thing i want it is i dont like to live with a man has a feeling with her or anybody else. i told him him before you ddnt cheating on me but you cheating on me emotionally and i hope im wrong. but i can see it like him the way he love at her like he have that love he has for her before it show. and how much more if im not around? oneday he said if i want her have sex her i done done it we talk in her house without her husband we just talk about anything nothing about us. if i ever had sex with her i will tell you and i dont care but i will tell you but not going to happen i chance for you .. i went to philippines went got you im so blessed to have you in my life god put us together. and blessed with beautiful boys. i believe it but worry about he might get tempted one day. do yall think he can do stupid thing??? and told me she just not happy with her husband one day she ask him for help looking for a house to rent she will leave him i told him she cant find anybody to help her but you?? he reply we just closed friends our friendship never been chance we trust one another we dont have hide things . had to find you can call friend you can trust. we are always been closed she is a good friend i want you to be her friend i trust her .she is a friend you can trust. but now her husband and her together and my husband said she is living with him for companionship she dont love him. i know her better than him i know her just to look in her eyes i know through her soul. we been dating 5 years on and off. until now i can look at her she never change. one time he said i see it in her eye she still love me. i dont know if he just make me jealous or what!! thats the time i went to depression and he was sorry everything he says was just to make me love him more and he should not done that. npw i dont know what to think. the only i can say is i dont trust her she flirt. yall what you all think? do i have to worry about it or what?

  38. Tamara says:

    Michelle
    The only one you need to trust is your husband. Ultimately it makes no difference what this woman does, and she can’t literally force your husband to have an affair. If you don’t trust your husband, it could be be because he is not earning your trust.

    I find it so funny when people want to put the blame on the “other woman”, as though her husband has no control over his actions.

  39. Michelle says:

    hot mess nest: i believe it they cant forget it. But we still together he never change i think im thinking too much and worry to much and dont have trust because she think she still have him and think she still gets what she want to do for him like before. And she know now she told me he change alot. Thank you all so much this helps alot,..

  40. Out of my flippin bird says:

    Michelle, I personally think you need to speak to a counselor. As DTRH said, alot of us here have been lied to etc, and it’ll bias our opinions. As far as you saying you check his phone, record his convo’s etc, shows you dont trust him. Jeeze if hes telling you all of this, it must mean he does love you, he could be doing it behind your back but hes not.

  41. Out of my flippin bird says:

    @Tamara—-THANK YOU!!!! Yes the blame is ALWAYS put on the “other woman”, and the husband is forced into it. Its never his fault. Some seem to forget, it takes 2 to tango, everyone controls their own actions, and you cant “steal” a man away. My grandma told me, “you cant take something that doesnt want to be taken”.

  42. Trevor says:

    Michelle if you suspect him of cheating then hire a P.I. I had to do that when my wife was having an affair so I could get proof. The affair was with her ex highschool BF, so I think this is a common occurrence , people cheating with an ex . We are now separated and I’m not sure if I can ever trust her again.

  43. Michelle says:

    Out of flippin bird: you are right that what he told me … he could do it but he is not. He said he chance because of me and he know if he wanted to she will… i know she love him that why she ask thise memories they have but since she knows i know it all by details she quite . Thank you all so much this help me somebody i can share.

  44. wifey says:

    michelle both you and your husband are kidding yourselves . Why is he still in any kind of relationship with this woman if he knows it bothers you enough to talk to her. He’s giving you all this nonsense of I love like a sister ,best friend etc. He’s just making excuses because he can’t let her go because he loves having her around for whatever it does for him.

  45. Michelle says:

    Wifey: you are right! I told him that before he should stop helping her so he will stop talking to her And he said he said it should not bother because they just good friends his bestfriend. He said he brag about me to her how lucky he is he have me in his life and im the only woman in his life he never cheated on and the day he met me. And she even told me that when i went to her house she said he loves you so much he brags about you and im happy for him. And my husband said if im intetested with her i wont be bragging about you to her i her about you how good of a peraon you are and how blessed i am!!! And you are right he like have her as a freind beause he can used her. I think the problem is me im jealousy beause i know my husband love her so much it is his fl and im scared that he might make a mistake. I told him that before im scared you might make a mistake and he was mad and said you do t trust me i love you and my boys . If i wanted her i can have her but thats in the fast and it ddnt work before. I wish i can talk to you on the phine and i aure explain it willl. I know my husband is just for a friend but im worry about her because she flirt lil. She even told my huband that she and her husband do t sleep together and she gets up middle of the might about feeling change life menupos lord have mercy!!! I was so mad so i went to her house told her i dont like it. Glad i done that she quite it. She just think he can do what she wanted she love him more jow he change. Thank you so much maam helps alot….

  46. Jana says:

    Michelle
    You need to explain to your husband how the relationship he has with this woman makes you feel. If he’s still unwilling to end the relationship with her, then you need to question how he feels about you. But It’s pretty hard for those reading from just your perspective. We don’t know if you’re being paranoid and jealous or if your husband is being disrespectful.

  47. Michelle says:

    Trevor: i turn in to be fBI my self. I cant get nothing because he ddnt do wrong. And dont go anyhere but work home. And if he talk to her or something he tell me every details or even he show me her text. I call phone company and now i can looked up online phine record they dont talk after the have talks after . Text or call if she text or call i know and i will wait for him to tell me and when i get home he tells me so and so… and sometime if he went to store or something i will follew him lol but nothing. I think its jealousy.. he said he wont trade me for 2 of her . She just a flirt and unhappy woman . Still love my husband for years. I met my husband 2 time he went visit me twice but never sleep with him till the day we got married he said thats why he love me not im a good person and best woman a man could have. All they have on the woman is a friendship and his bestfriend. Im just too good and damn . I told him i thinking to much and make him worry i just leave so i wont worry him for my action and he said you are not going anyway i ddnt done anything wrong. Thanks for your cconcern…. sir

  48. Michelle says:

    jana: both paraniod and jealousy… i dont have to worry about but im so jealousy if he talks to her she just call or text when she wanted to ask or news etc but not all the time. I just dint like him talking to her coz she flirt and i can tell she still love him. And she is my husband fl.

  49. Jana says:

    Michelle
    I don’t think the suggestion was to call the FBI, I think he meant private investigator. However, it doesn’t sound like your husband is having an affair, and since you are already following him and checking phone records it sounds like you have it covered yourself.

    My advice is this…no matter how much you worry and obsess over something, it will never change the outcome. So worrying that he will have an affair won’t prevent him from having an affair. However, all this obsessing over it is probably having a very negative effect on you. If you can’t stop obsessing , I think you really need to see a therapist for help.

  50. Michelle says:

    THANK YOU ALL…

    THIS HELPS ME ALOT EVEN ON NET I CAN GET THEM OUT.. HE JUST DONT KNOW how i feel inside i play along with my feeling… i do believe he love but sometime i can see on him when he talk to her the excitement like he is happy..
    i pray about it. i hope its all me… alot people said he i so lucky to have my a good person and beautiful woman and young. sometimes i want to leave him im so depressed and i just want to get out and find my self and free again ,,all i ever wanted is to have a man that love me just me and my family but thinking and worrying it might he might hurts me and kills me he just dont know. i done talking to him how it bothers me but he says nothing to worry and i worry over nothing i let my mind run away with me. all the have is friendship a very rare to havve a real friend. i dont know…. yall pray for me…love much…michelle

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