Reuniting With Your First Love…on the Net

They say that you never forget your first love. And with the exception of yours truly, who would rather stick his tongue in a bear trap than even think about his high school girlfriend, many look back on their first romances with fond feelings. Although not everyone thinks of that relationship for more than a passing moment or so, some must wonder what it would be like to rekindle the romance they had when they were teenagers or college-aged.

Suppose for a minute that you could. What would that be like?

As of 2003, Dr. Nancy Kalish had studied over 2,000 “lost love” relationships. She said that three-quarters of first loves who reunite years later decide to stay together, even when the reunion begins as an adulterous affair. Normally, most marriages that begin as affairs terminate. How are these people reconnecting and why would the relationship work at a later date?

The web, of course, is where most of these meetings begin. When Dr. Kalish was doing her research in the early 2000’s, the most popular site for finding people from the past was Classmates.com. At that time, the site found that 36 percent of respondents had used the net to look up or contact a former significant other. And Dr. Kalish stated in an interview with the Boston Globe that while many people begin their search as simple curiosity, affairs can escalate quickly *. The interviewer, Carey Goldberg, noted an anonymous respondent from Dr. Kalish’s research to highlight this point:


“It’s like you’re falling in love all over again,” she said. Her first boyfriend found her on the web, and before she knew it, she was obsessed, and then lying to her husband, and then sexually unfaithful, and then caught by her husband – who, to her continuing gratitude, stuck with her instead of divorcing her.

Dr. Kalish brings up a very interesting point: “therapists tend to underestimate the powerful nature of such old loves, especially first loves. As a result, they tend to tell such patients that their feelings for their re-found loves are based on fantasy and that they can find the same feelings in their own marriages if they only try. But that fails to take into account that reunited lovers really do know and love each other, and a first love, in particular, remains unique. This is not about sex, it is not about the spouse or the marriage, it is not a midlife crisis,” she said. “The reunion is a continuation of a love that was interrupted.”

Carey Goldberg notes some research indicates that a teenager may attach specifically to a first lover in much the same way as a baby attaches to a mother. This hypothesis was given by Dr. Linda Waud, a Psychologist who wrote her dissertation on three reunited couples.

“There is an actual neurological attachment that happens between these individuals,” she said, “and that’s why it’s enduring and it never leaves your mind. It’s there forever and ever.” Interestingly, Dr. Waud herself reconnected with a long-lost love after 35 years apart.

In her in-depth interviews of the three couples, she noted that they had unusually intense sexual connections, which made her posit that sexual attachment may work with the same kind of specificity as baby-mother attachment.

Although a dissertation with only three couples makes generalization extremely difficult, she is onto something. I’ve made the very mistake that Dr. Kalish pointed out: that the former love is simply a fantasy and that one’s current relationship can satisfy this new need. And this is coming from someone who is not only a product of divorce, but someone who also spends most of his days thinking about why marriages fail, so I obviously thought I had some weight behind my advice. After I was wrong not once but three times with clients who ultimately chose to leave their marriage for their high school sweethearts, I had to rethink my position. There’s a possibility for a permanent footprint in your brain when it comes to your first love.
What does this mean for current relationships? With Facebook now in complete control of the human race, more and more people are reconnecting. Many will get back in touch with old flames, possibly their very first romance. Depending on how those conversations go – and yes, of course many of them will be simple hello’s and good-bye’s – casual chat may turn into flirtation, then a discussion about status and availability. And when the relationship moves from Facebook to IM to text to telephone and then to personal contact, the attachment that Dr. Waud talks about has perhaps manifested itself in a true rekindling of the romance, with much more backing than any affair could produce. For some, decisions will need to be made. If married, do I leave for what might be really ‘the one?’ Or do I stay and honor what I’ve agreed to while relinquishing what my mind had perhaps bonded to years ago?

Unfortunately I don’t have the answer to that question and I’m pretty sure that we could get a 50/50 breakdown if we asked enough people. Every person in this spot will need to answer it, however. And from what I’ve seen in my practice, it’s an agonizing choice, especially when the current relationship is at least somewhat satisfying. So essentially I’m along for the ride as people decide what is in their best interests as well as the other parties involved. This can take months, perhaps years, to weigh out the pros and cons, the practical and emotional changes involved in life-altering decisions like these, the risks involved in making the ‘wrong’ choice. In other words, watching a client grapple with a problem like this is very difficult to watch. Even if you think you know the right choice, you can’t give it to the client. He or she truly has to come to it via the self. It can’t be spoon fed. Some will leave their families and begin new lives with a former love, usually with a large amount of guilt. Others will stay put and feel that permanent imprint tugging at them. Either way, it’s not a particularly envious position in which to be.

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* I’d link to this specific article, written by Carey Goldberg, but it’s archived and you have to pay to read it. Hit up Globe.com if my piece doesn’t summarize it sufficiently for you or if you don’t mind spending the fee.

Related Post: Reuniting With Your First Love…On the Net (Revisited)

Update (11/20/13): I’m not sure if this is of interest to anyone, but I received this solicitation and agreed to post it. Consider it useful until early December, 2013:

Now Casting: People Looking For Missed Love Connections!

Do you believe that your one true love is actually someone from your past? Do you often think about “what could have been” with an old flame? Or perhaps someone that you met and felt the timing was off, but could have blossomed under different circumstances? Do you dream of reuniting with a high school or college boyfriend or girlfriend, but don’t know where to find them? Was there a person that you had a steamy vacation tryst with, but have never been able to track down?

If so, we want to hear from you! A major production company is casting for people who dream of working with an expert to make a love (re)connection with someone from their past. To learn more or refer a friend, please email us at MissedConnectionsCasting@gmail.com and a Casting Producer will be in touch ASAP.

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13,472 Responses to “Reuniting With Your First Love…on the Net”

  1. FLADDIE says:

    Olivia
    So good to hear from you again. I remember when you were struggling through coming to terms with your marriage ending and trying to figure out everything with Dave. Thank you for the update and I know it’s really you. I hope you find your new true love!
    I agree with you that that initial reconnection is so powerful, we overlook the obvious. I’ve had a bit of that reality myself lately and it’s hard reconciling that in my head. Your post helps.

  2. Casey says:

    I can verify that the Olivia post is real. Olivia and I spoke by phone not long ago and she filled me in completely. It is sobering when you realize who your FL is in real life as opposed to the fantasy you’ve built up in your head. I’m fortunate, I have a relationship with my FL. Is it perfect and all that I dreamed of?? Ummm…HARDLY. BUT, we continue to work at it and right in this moment, it’s as good or better than it has ever been (and that includes when we originally dated in 1980). Do I expect that the current status quo will continue? Not really. If nothing else, I’ve learned that if I wait just a minute, things will change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse when it comes to this relationship. I was married when we reconnected. He was divorced. I am now divorced and living not far from my FL. Despite the geographic proximity, we still struggle. There are so many other variables besides just “us” that affect our relationship. It’s not easy. It’s not a happily ever after by any means. It’s more like, we are happy today and who knows what tomorrow will bring. I did not leave my marriage for my FL. I was already emotionally checked out when my FL reappeared so I knew that I was leaving my marriage for me, not for him. I do not regret my decision. With or without my FL, I am happier now than I was for the last 10 years of my marriage. Just don’t blow up your life thinking that the FL grass will be greener…Chances are that it won’t be. Having met and really gotten to know several Fladdies, I can tell you that the odds of having a fairy tale ending are very, very small. Just WAIT, THINK and WEIGH things out before you make any drastic moves. If you do decide to leave your spouse and family, just be daggone sure you will be happy if things don’t work out the way you anticipate they will. Once that toothpaste is out of the tube, there’s no putting it back. I’ve been at this for over four years now. I have the benefit of experience and hindsight. I’ll check back in at some point in the future and I promise to share where I am at that time. For anyone who’s been on here for a while, they will know that I share the good AND the bad. Good luck fellow fladdies…

  3. Bob says:

    Hi Fladdie, Casey and Olivia
    I have a question for you ladies, as I’m looking at things from a man’s perspective, so I wondered how your FLs feel about the situation. Have they also come to the same place you ladies are at- have they lost all interest or decided that there is no hope of a future together? Or are they still hoping for more?

  4. Casey says:

    Hi Bob,

    I am always happy to see the guys on this site…You all bring a very different perspective to things. My FL is in the same emotional space that I am. He WANTS this to work and RIGHT NOW, probably for the first time ever, he’s REALLY REALLY putting the work in which I so much appreciate. It’s taken 4 years and many, many ups and downs to get here and even still, I don’t have full confidence that he can maintain this level of effort and when I say effort, I’m talking about daily contact and weekly dinners together. For most of our lives, he has spent more time running away from this than working toward it. The intensity of this connection has always scared him and he is one of those people who has to know WHY we feel this way, why it works when it shouldn’t, etc. He has always felt that I am too good for him (and of course, I spent many years believing that I wasn’t enough) so he struggles with that still but he has told me that he’s done questioning things and he’s made a decision to simply enjoy our time together and so far, so good this time. He also lives a very different life now than he did for most of his adult life and he worries that I will not be happy with him living the way he does now. What he has never understood is that HE is the only thing I’ve ever wanted. I don’t need fancy dinners or expensive gifts or lavish trips, I just want him. I am happier sitting on his couch in the living room listening to music and cuddling than I am anywhere else. He is my person. And I’ve tried very hard to walk away on many, many occasions and I’ve done pretty well at convincing myself at times that I can live without him but so far, even when we’ve had months of NC at a time, he has never given up. He has texted or called me every week for months on end without a single reply and yet, he continued just waiting and hoping that I would soften and I inevitably always do. This time around, I’m pretty guarded and he definitely knows that. He knows that if he really wants this, he has to bring his A game consistently over an extended period of time because he’s always been good in short bursts but never over an extended period of time. I’ve told him if he wants this, he needs to prove it to me. He’s made some very significant changes in his life which is very encouraging but there is still alot more that he needs to do. I’m willing to give him the time and space to do that but I need to see the progress because for most of the last 4 years, he’s said one thing and done another. So here we are, yet again, on the thrill ride and here I sit, just waiting for the next thing that derails us. I know that is a very self defeating attitude but given our history, I can’t help but think that this is just go round and that at some point, the ride will end. Of course, innately, I am the eternal optimist but this relationship has caused me to remove the rose colored glasses and look at it from the realist’s point of view. So Bob, that is the long way of answering your question. I hope that helps.

  5. FLADDIE says:

    Hi Bob
    My FL is still married and probably always will be. He loves his wife for the 35+ years they’ve been together. He doesn’t want to upset the apple cart. He says it’s not the same way he feels about me but he has a responsibility to his marriage and family.
    It’s something I’ve come to understand even if I don’t like it. He’s not willing to leave for many reasons. If you love someone unconditionally, this is the ultimate unconditional love.

  6. Down the Rabbit Hole says:

    Fladdie:

    Do we have the same FL? Describes my situation exactly minus a few years on his marriage. But we have been apart for more than 35 years. He loves me dearly, like he did then but cannot fathom leaving his wife. So I love…from a distance. And so does he.

    I too have accepted this reality even though it changes nothing in terms of how I feel.

    I don’t have many of the other issues with FL as others do. We are very compatible, love just being together, and have many of the same interests and values. We respect each other. I don’t think either of us have any doubt our relationship would be very good over the long haul. Not idealizing, just experiencing an epiphany based on what really matters.

  7. Sue says:

    I am presently wrestling with this exact situation. My FL found me on FB and both of us have been divorced for some time.. We are both single and not dating any one currently.. Your right our relationship moved so fast..It’s like we never missed a step with each other.. It’s kinda scary because he knows everything about me and my family.. We have been apart for 39 years..

    We have a unique situation.. What split us up all those years ago was me coming out to my parents that I was pregnant (but not his child).. He kept my secret while we were dating.. He knew the guy that I was pregnant by, but never told. We acted like this baby I was carrying was ours.. When life happened and everyone found out I was pregnant, we walked away from each other.. We were 17 & 18 years old (I’m older by 9 months) at that time we had no life experience to help us out on how to work through this..

    Ultimately, I gave birth to a boy and used my FL’s middle name as my son’s first name. Yes, we had talked about this and I was the one that wanted to name my son after him.

    Fast forward 39 years and we had a very honest conversation (both of us) all the things we had been holding for the past 39 years.. The hurt we each went through, the betrayal he felt that I was not aware of (from me). The hardships we each endured, because we were not mature enough to know what to do with all these emotions and choices to make as a couple or family.. Would we have stayed together (probably yes for both him and I) He never wanted to leave or be left out.. I had to be a single mother, work, take on my family, take on the birth father & his family.. We were both over whelmed..

    Presently, we are working at this relationship.. I found that I need to get professional counseling to deal with all these emotions I have been keeping hid.. And he is waiting for me to get through it..

    The other unique part to this relationship is that we have not had sex. Which we both felt was too soon, in the relationship.. Please be aware, I have 2 grown boys and have been married and divorced and he has 1 grown boy, and also been married and divorced.. So, we wanted to be respectful of each other and decided to hold off till we are both ready.. Not that we haven’t had the sexual urges that’s for sure.

  8. Down the Rabbit Hole says:

    Sue: what are you both waiting for? Life zips by so quickly.

  9. Love and war says:

    Sue-
    Down the rabbit hole is right! Why wait

  10. Love and war says:

    Down the rabbit hole and hot mess nest-
    I’ve thought so much about what to do in my situation and have made no attempts to contact my FL. After hearing everyone’s stories on here and the fact that my FL is married and a few other reasons, locations, not knowing if I can trust any information I hear and not even sure if any of his reactions if he really reacted as he did means anything at all I think I have no other option but to just let this go. The fact is back so long ago when he asked me to marry him I knew then that him not going back would get him in a lot of trouble and that would be my fault. No matter how I thought about it then there was no other way and I told him that one day he was going to meet someone that he loved way more than he ever loved me and he would probably forget all about me. He told me that would never happen because it wasn’t a crush but rather he was in love with me and that love would fix it and somehow make things work out. I wanted so bad to believe him but knew I had to get out of his way then for him to be ok and from there life would get in the way and he would forget me. Until recently I thought he never looked back and though I have been told he did, without talking to him it’s all second hand info. I have no way of knowing if what his wife said is true or if she knows a lot more than she lets on and everything she has told my friend could be lies. Either way I was referred to as his high school crush, nothing more. If he never told her I was something more than he doesn’t believe I was. She has no worry of losing him what so ever. Most likely she is the one who I told him he was going to meet one day. I know this is his second wife in 8 years but that doesn’t mean she’s not his best love. In the entire time me and him have been apart even if he was the one leaving notes, he never knocked on the door most likely because he resolved then that it was over and he eventually married someone else. Me hearing that he’s excited to see my pictures and lights up after if it’s true is most likely nothing more than fond memories. Me wanting it to be anything more wont make it so. And if I have been given true info and even if he was still in love with me it still wouldn’t explain why the second time he got married it was to a different woman. He didn’t look for me after his first marriage ended he found someone he loved more or he would have made an attempt to contact me. It’s not like I was hiding. It sucks cause I wanted so bad to believe that what he told me that night about love making it work out was true. I wanted to believe that somehow in the future we would be back together but the common thing our relationship seem to have repeating was that he was always leaving me. Whether it was to go back to Iraq or because he thought I betrayed him, even if I hadn’t lied he would have wound up leaving me to go to army prison so I guess if I’m looking for a sign from the universe that’s probably the most obvious. Love doesn’t fix anything. Getting out of his way got him to her and from what I hear they are happy together. I think I would have been better off to not have met him. I think my new goal is to just to be indifferent to him and to just stop when it comes to love. It really never has fixed anything but will just cause more problems and heartache than what it is probably worth. And if I can’t do that then I need to get good at faking it and learn to just push it down. I guess if I feel the need to have love in my life then I’ll get a dog.

  11. Down the Rabbit Hole says:

    Love and War, I am at a loss for words in your situation. If you are hearing this third hand, I wonder what the intentions are for the third party. They are giving you information for what purpose? To encourage you to contact him? To facilitate the end of his marriage? Are they confiding in him at all?

    I can relate on the pushing it down and faking it comment. After going to therapy, I realize that is not healthy either.

    If your FL knows the real story and hasn’t reconnected, he could be in shock and trying to come to grips with it. If he doesn’t have all the information then he cannot be expected to reach out. The million $ question is, should he be told?

  12. Gypsy Soul says:

    Love and war, forgive me but I think your post is difficult to understand. Do you mean that your FL apparently told a third party that he still loved you, and then that party told you? If that’s the case , then I don’t buy it. I think the person who told you that is possibly a person who likes to instigate drama, because that’s not the type of comment most people will ever make (even if it’s a true feeling) and why would the third party reveal that to you?But some people do suffer from mental health issues, so who knows what their agenda might be.

    In my own situation I have seen evidence of meddling. For example, at least 2 fake social media accounts were opened in my FLs name, and the photos were photoshopped to make it appear as though his wife were in the photo. I can tell they are photoshopped upon close examination, and I wonder why someone would do this. Why not use authentic photos? I can only assume it’s because there aren’t any current ones available. This is a sad situation because it seems there must be some severe mental illness involved if this is happening.

  13. Love and war says:

    Down the rabbit hole and Gupsy soul-
    This is so confusing and hard for me to understand too. Initially my friend when she was moving found a bunch of old high school pics and things and got nostalgic about our friends back then. When she asked me if I had any info on anyone I told her I did and gave her info I had on a few friends. One of those was my FL. I didn’t have his info because we were keeping in touch I had it because after he left the night we split up I had been looking for him to tell him the truth but he had disappeared. Back then there was no internet so if you didn’t have info it was almost impossible to find someone. I had remained in love with my FL the whole time because I knew the truth and he didn’t. Throughout the years I would look for him but couldn’t find anything. I had begun to worry that I may have been successful in pushing him away to get him to go back to the military but then worried what if he went back and it got him killed? So I would keep checking here and there hoping to find that even if he hated me because he thought I had left him for someone else at least I would find out he was alive and happy. At some point I guess I just figured he definitely did hate me so the alive and happy became my main focus. After years of looking up people all over with his name and getting nowhere I was starting to think it was hopeless. I stopped looking and just tried to forget. Then I was reminded of him when I had met someone who had served at the same time and he gave me his contact info. I was just happy he was alive and was hoping to find he was happy. I had sent a letter to an email address and tried without babbling all ADD like I’m probably doing here to explain what I did and why and apologize and was just asking him to understand why I lied and to hopefully forgive me for it but I understood if he didn’t. I wished him the best and gave him my info in case we could somehow be friends. I had figured that even though I had never stopped being in love with him he most likely no longer had feelings for me so I kept my feelings to myself and was just happy to find he was alive. I didn’t know if he was married or what his situation was. I never heard back. Ok so forward to my friend moving and asking for mutual friends info. I gave her info on some people him included. She said she always remembered what a great guy he was in high school and how he was so in love with me then. She asked if I had contacted him and I told her I sent a letter a while back but didn’t hear anything so I figured he didn’t want to talk to me. If he didn’t hate me because he thought I left him for someone else then he most likely hated me for lying to him and telling him there was someone else. She said she was planning on contacting him and some other people and see how they were and that she would ask if he still was angry. I guess after some searching she found someone who she found out after asking was his wife. They started talking and sharing stories and I guess photos. I don’t know what photos were sent but only the info I was later told that he supposedly said or that his wife supposedly said about how he felt for me back then. That back then he had been in love with me so bad. I was told by my friend that his wife Said he has always talked about me and I’m the only girl from his past he talks about to the point she teases him about it. I was told he was given my pics and was super excited to get them and that he was talkative and happy all night as opposed to being quiet all the time and mostly keeping to his work. I was given a phone number and told I could call and say hi and catch up with him. Then his wife tried to friend me on FB. My friend later told me how cool his wife is and that we would probably be good friends with her. I was told that my friend and his wife are all chummy now. In the mean time I checked the email I sent to him a while back and it appears it was picked up a while ago. I have never called the number or spoken to his wife as I think that would be weird given I have feelings for him. The one thing that I thought was really strange was the fact that his wife literally showed no signs of worry about me and him talking. I thought then there had to be something she knew that I didn’t. Well if the email had been picked up and he doesn’t use the computer I was told- he doesn’t like all the technology now, then she must have picked up the email. If so then there could be a few things going on- his wife could have given him the email and he has no interest in me anymore so she isn’t worried, she got the email and never told him and she has been just feeling my friend out to see what she knows about our past. My friend knows everything, she was the one who helped me when after he left I was more than a bit self destructive. She was the one who understood and tried to help me get back to who I was then. I was young and him leaving and the thought of him with someone else kinda destroyed me then and i made it happen by trying to protect him. I’m sure you can imagine how that would feel. So my friend knows everything but said she was trying to keep it all separate because she was only catching up for herself and thought his wife was super cool. His wife and him could just be being cruel and talking with her giving false info about how he talks about all the time and is so happy to be contacted and would love to talk to both of us, how much he loved me back then and all the other stuff that was said. Maybe they sit back and laugh about messing with us and it’s his way of hurting me back. Maybe he’s just waiting to tell me something cruel. Who knows. I was told by my friend that he never told her that me and him almost got married but only referred to me as his high school crush. He never told her he proposed. I don’t know if that’s true. She may know everything and know that he’s long over me or she may be fishing for info. Maybe there’s some chance the email got deleted or put in junk and was never read and all I have been told is true or maybe my friend who said that she thought he was the sweetest person in high school and that everyone then thought we were the perfect match made in heaven and even today says she thinks him and his wife don’t really go together but that knowing me and him still believes we are destined to be together. Maybe she isn’t telling me the truth. Maybe she is giving me wrong info and false hope. All I know is that he did go back to the military after we split and he did make it home ok. He eventually met someone, got married and when it didn’t work out got divorced, later remarried and according to his wife they are happy. My friend said she found out he Was the one leaving me notes though he never signed them. At this point I can’t be sure. All I know now is that very recently my friend said she tried to contact his wife and she won’t get back to her. So now his wife is not talking to my friend. I have no idea why but figure it’s just best at this point to take any feelings I have and stomp them out. Someone posted about meeting their FL and he was not at all what they remembered and was lazy etc. I think I should just focus on that idea. Maybe him and his wife were just messing with my friend knowing info would get to me. If that is the case then he really isn’t the person I knew him to be anymore. I just don’t feel like I can trust anyone because I feel someone either isn’t telling me everything or isn’t being honest. I guess since I lied to him back in the day I probably deserve it.

  14. Gypsy Soul says:

    Hmmm…I still am having a hard time understanding this story, Love and War. If you haven’t actually communicated with him at all, and he definitely is married, I would recommend not pursuing this any further. You have no reason to believe he still has feelings for you, and frankly your friends whole story seems rather contrived.

    Without hearing anything from him, it’s probably best to just let it go. It’s my opinion that if there really is a deep soul connection between 2 people, you will know it. You won’t have to question whether it is real or not.

  15. Love and war says:

    Down the rabbit hole and gypsy soul-
    Sorry for going on so long on the last post just trying to give a whole picture of things here. I had sent him that letter a while ago and hadn’t thought anything about it because I never heard back and figured he didn’t respond because he was still angry or maybe he didn’t get the email. Through the years I had looked for him and found nothing but over that time there must be something like 70 to 80 letters I had written over 26 years to try to find him. I heard back from some guys over that time admitting they weren’t him but would love to meet me- yikes! But never a confirmation that I had found him. The last letter I had sent when I didn’t hear back I figured was possibly wrong or old even though I had gotten it from someone who served with him. When my friend was looking for our old school friends I gave her the info I had. She however did more digging I guess and confirmed it was him and he was married to the woman my friend contacted. I hadn’t thought to check to see if my email had been picked up until about a week ago. When I did I saw it had. My friend told me she didn’t know what what up because she tried to contact his wife and his wife won’t respond to her. His wife actually I friended her on FB but has not blocked her. So my friend says she doesn’t know what’s going on. She asked if I did anything and I told her since she had found he was married I have struggled with do I or don’t I tell him so I haven’t spoken to or tried to contact anyone. I did think it was strange when my friend was communicating with her that she would ask my friend- did you know this or did you know that about him? She had asked my friend questions about when my FL was in the military and what she knew about it. She also made comments about me being his high school crush and how in love he was with me in high school. My friend at the time said she obviously didn’t know it was a lot more than that after high school. When I had sent him the last letter a while ago I had reminded him that I told him back then that he was going to meet someone he loved a lot more than me and I was just gonna be Some girl you had a crush on in high school and Asked him if that was what happened and if so if he was married and happier now than he had been with me then I would be happy for him. I don’t know then if what I was told by my friend about the whole he had such a crush on her in high school comment was because of my letter. I had t thought about it before because I had sent the letter a while back and kinda forgot about it. It was just one of many over time. His wife asked my friend if I was married and for other info about me and said it was because my FL wanted to know. Now that she has gotten info from my friend and who knows what all info she got I don’t know about now she isn’t talking to her. I know my friend didn’t say anything about us almost getting married she told me then that she was trying to keep stuff separate because she was just trying to catch up for herself but said she realized there was a lot to do between him and me still with all the questions. She said initially when she sent pictures over that his wife asked,is that her? My friend didn’t know what she meant and then his wife started talking about the girl he had the crush on and was so in love with and talks about to this day. With all that and now she has unfriended my friend out of the blue and knowing now that the info I had was correct when I sent my last letter but never heard from him even though he supposedly wanted to know things about me and I had given my contact info. Plus I was told she mentioned that he would leave me notes for a long time and had been the one who sent me flowers with no cards. I don’t know if he is part of this or not. If he is then is he having her say stuff to my friend to mess with me, did she get the letter and not tell him and he still doesn’t know. I don’t know what to think but so far that’s everything I know

  16. Down the Rabbit Hole says:

    Love and War: I doubt your FL is purposely trying to hurt you. When I broke things off with my former love, he was devastated and hurt more deeply than my selfish and immature mind could comprehend. When he continued to pursue me, I got so frustrated I said something very cruel. To be fair, he was drunk or high and instigated it by trying to emotionally manipulate me. After all that drama, I carried guilt for years believing he must, rightfully, despise me. When he reached out years later, he had forgotten that incident. Finally I could apologize, and even though we have major regrets, we have forgiven. He never stopped loving me.

    I suspect it is the same in your situation. He will forgive if he knows the truth. Your reasons for breaking up were far nobler than mine. I was selfish. And foolish. You were the opposite.

    At this point, you probably can do nothing but wait. The fact his wife stopped talking to your friend may indicate he finally knows the truth and they have issues to work through. Hard to say, that’s for sure.

  17. Love and war says:

    Sorry all for the long posts. That should be the last of them

  18. Love and war says:

    Gypsy soul and down the rabbit hole-
    Gypsy- that’s why I was saying it’s very confusing for me too. Before I had been told that he had said he had all these feelings for me but I’m finding out that what I was told before may not be true. It’s possible his wife got the email that I sent back at the end of 2015 and if my friend had not been giving me false info then it’s possibke his wife had been messing with her. That’s why I said before I just have to let this go because it seems someone hasn’t been telling me the truth or has been giving me false hope. Without talking to him directly there’s no way to know and since he’s married I don’t plan on contacting him. It’s just frustrating.
    Down the rabbit hole- I hope your right and he is forgiving for what happened in the past. At least if he knew and was able to understand why I did what I did and forgive me then I could feel better about it all. Ultimately I want him to be happy even if that means I have to keep out of his way. My friend believes that if he knows the truth a lot would change. So maybe he did find out and like you said maybe they are trying to work through some things. I guess time will tell.

  19. Gypsy Soul says:

    Love and war
    I think it’s best to let it go, all things considered. I’m still confused about who told you your FL still had feelings for you, if you didnt talk to him yourself. I can’t see him telling his wife that he had feelings for another woman, and I also can’t understand why she would tell your friend anything about her husbands feelings. So strange!

  20. Love and war says:

    Gypsy soul- that’s the same thing I said. I’m not planning to pursue anything. My friend had told me she had been told he still had feelings for me but I know now she is hoping we get back together. I don’t plan on dealing with this any further. I don’t see why his wife would say something like that to my friend. She says she did but if so then his wife is just messing with her. It’s too much drama for me.

  21. Love and war says:

    Down the rabbit hole-
    Are you and you FL together now?

  22. Down the Rabbit Hole says:

    Love and War, no. We love each other very much, but he cannot fathom leaving his wife. The reasons I understand and cannot elaborate on. It is sad for both of us but I am happy we have come to a place of mutual love and respect. I do not know what the future holds, only living one day at a time.

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