Walking through Barnes and Noble recently I noticed a book with a familiar title. It was by Dick Masterson, the man who stole the show on Dr. Phil, the man I had interviewed just a few months ago as part of my research into the mind of misogyny.
Even though I patently disagreed with his beliefs I was morbidly curious to see what “MANspiration” Dick was giving out in his tome. He did say nice things about both his mother and prostitutes during our interview. That was nice of him. And it did cross my mind that I could continue my research using his book as a resource.
Tucking the book under my arm so that a woman wouldn’t see me holding it and begin to think I’m a woman-hater, I purchased it from the only male cashier in the store. He gave me a knowing wink as if I had entered the gates of some perfect Man-topia.
Flipping through the book on the subway I noted the venom that is vintage Dick Masterson:
You women are delicate creatures and don’t have the stomachs or the brains to look into the supernova of raw and uncensored man-logic that compromises this book. Your fragile women-psyches cannot stand the depths of sophomoric intellect this book conjures on every page. Women, feel free to go broaden your horizons with healing crystals, Feng Shui wheels, or any of that other new-age monkey shit. Ever wonder why no one who anyone respects – like your father or Donald Trump – buys into that crap? Of course you don’t, because you’re a woman. You don’t wonder about anything.
Such disdain. Such hatred. Some of my female friends have healing crystals. They wonder, don’t they? In fact one said to me the other day “Rob I wonder why anyone would read your website. It’s pretty dumb.”
But Dick didn’t rely on anecdotal women bashing. He incorporated research findings into his argument that women are the cause of divorce:
Women are always the reason for a divorce: your wife, her bitchy friends, her mother, even your own daughter, all conspire against you to fuck up something that’s sacred. Women are sacrilegious as shit.
Don’t believe me? Perhaps you’ll believe my friend, Science.
Gordon Dahl and Enrico Moretti are responsible for the following data:
Parents of girls are 5% more likely to divorce.
Parents of three girls are 10% more likely to divorce.
This was a complete manipulation of important data! It is not clear why boys hold marriages together but it certainly doesn’t prove that women are “sacrilegious as shit.” Although my mother did once tell me that if I were to get married my wife would most certainly divorce me within a year, so maybe Dick was on to something.
Finally Dick decided to put all mental and physical health professionals out of work with his simple solution to Erectile Dysfunction (ED): cheat on your wife.
My grandfather had ED. For awhile. Then it went away. Did Pop Pop cheat on Grandma? If Dick had been counseling him over the years there would be hell to pay.
I had had enough of this horrific, disgusting, sickening, abominable, intriguing, page-turning, witty and entertaining book. It was time to contact Dick and tell him that I was done with my research into misogyny.
To: Dick Masterson (DickMasterson@gmail.com)
From: Rob Dobrenski, Ph.D. (RDobrenski@aol.com)
Subject: Termination of Professional Relationship
Upon careful consideration I have decided that it would be unacceptable for me to continue to read your
well-writtenbook as part of my clinical research into the mind of misogyny. This is in spite of the book’s colossal merits as a provocative work that you should be ashamed of yourself for having written. You continue to have no respect for women. Thus, as much as it pains me to say, you should consider our relationship null and void. I hope you understand.
An hour or so later I got a response from Dick:
To: Rob Dobrenski, Ph.D. (RDobrenski@aol.com)
From: Dick Masterson (DickMasterson@gmail.com)
Subject: RE: Termination of Professional Relationship
Of course I understand. Trying to objectively find anything wrong with chauvinism once you’ve read my book is like trying to look North when you’ve got the North Pole shoved up your ass.
You can’t. And it hurts.
As far as respecting women goes, you’re right. I don’t. I don’t respect a microwave for popping my popcorn, I don’t respect the fridge for chilling my booze, and I don’t respect women for popping out kids and bitching about what a great job they’re doing. That’s what they were built to do.
By the way, if you or any of your colleagues want to turn that “clinical” research into “practical” research, I can recommend a few other books that will have you guys knocking the pussy off that pedestal like it was a big bronze statue of Saddam Hussein — and then also riding it into the Soviet Union like you’re Slim Pickens.
P.S. If you’re done reading my book, remember what I tell all the dissatisfied feminist [deleted expletive that my mom would really hate reading] getting copies of Men Are Better Than Women as graduation presents this year.
Don’t return it…just burn it.
It doesn’t take Sigmund Freud to know that this is clearly a cry for help. Anyone who mentions Saddam, the former Communist stalwart and the beloved star of Dr. Strangelove in the same sentence clearly needs intervention. However, help cannot be foisted upon a person. He has to want it. And he has my number. So I will sit patiently and wait for his call at which point I will show him the error of his ways. I’m sure he’ll call soon…
Silence. Tumbleweed blows by office door. Fade to black…